That morning: the girl
“I will kill, I will kill”
I looked outside and saw the toad from the pond next door whispering these words,
so I shut the window because it was kind of creeping me out.
I went to get breakfast,
greeted my mother who looked like a ripe peach this morning
then got into my car and drove to town,
I ran some errands.
When I returned, I went through the gate to the back garden.
Then I saw her there, my mother, lying faced down
in a red Atlantic on the grass.
no one could have looked through their windows yet.
That morning: the toad
The girl didn’t acknowledge me.
She should have. Her expression was so nonchalant
She has no idea of her guilt
and this weaved me into my torment,
made us one being.
She drove over my love’s body,
No one should ever have to see a loved one like that.
She will atone.
I will make a deal with the warlock
for the ability to destroy her.
Destroy her and make her destroy me.
That morning: the child
In the mornings, I play with the toad in the garden.
I haven’t seen his friend in a while,
they seemed to be good friends.
I think he loves her
more than my parents seem to love each other.
This morning I had to call him,
but after a while, he came under the fence
and hopped towards me.
I sat crossed legged on the floor
and cupped my hands in front of me for him to climb up.
He hopped into my hands.
It felt like we’d been sat there for a long time
This isn’t how we usually play
While he was in my hands
I saw nothing but kaleidoscope colours.
Then he decided to go about his day
Leaving some old seeds behind in my hands.
I got up, walked into next door’s garden,
went through the back door.
I climbed on a chair
And dropped the seeds into the granola.
Then I went back through to my garden,
ran my fingers through the pond water
And went to play in the sand.
That morning: the mother
I have a lot to do this morning
I looked out the window
Saw the sky looked like a pink and blue tiger
I quickly got dressed so I could get outside
Start work on the car while in the midst
of something spectacular.
The tiger disappeared, the air started to open my pores
I know my daughter will be awake soon.
I went back inside to wash my hands and
at the same time she came down the stairs,
mumbled something and left.
This was typical of her, she’ll be back soon.
I went upstairs to have a shower
Then dressed in a brick red t-shirt and
some baggy jeans before tying my hair up.
I went downstairs and poured out some granola
with soya milk and relaxed into a chair.
After a few spoonfuls, I started to feel nauseous
So I got up to check the date on the milk.
Mistake. Everything around me started to warp and spin.
Water. I grasped onto the kitchen counter
a desperate attempt to stay upright
then I dragged myself,
over the sink
turned on the water,
then it started happening.
For some reason
I was still seeing specks of engine oil on my skin
they grew into thick blots and began boiling
and this is when I started screaming
arm in water, pain not subsiding.
I glanced out the window behind the sink
and saw my mother
who has been dead for five years
standing in the garden.
She beckoned for me to come outside
Her face more accepting than it ever was,
making me almost choke on the longing.
I stumbled along the counter to the back door
and went through to get a better look at her.
At this, her face changed and she shook her head
before brushing her finger across her throat.
I felt warmth pouring down from the new wound on my neck.
That morning: the girl continued
My gaze shifted from the windows to the floor.
In the corner near the flower bed,
I saw the toad from this morning.
Curiously, I walked in its direction.
It bravely sat there facing me.
I stopped in front of the toad, and stomped on it six times.
I didn’t realise that the neighbour’s child had been watching.
His little face red, his lip trembling
Every effort to barricade his tears.
I walk over to him,
crouch to his level, and try to tell him it’s okay.
It felt like I’d been crouched there a long time.
All I saw was kaleidoscope colours.
Then he turned and walked away
as if nothing happened.
I stood up, turned around
and saw my mother on the grass in a red Atlantic.
I collapsed to my knees, felt a stone dig in,
which made me fall onto my side.
Everything hit me like being booted in the face with New Rocks
I remember doing this to her,
How could I have done this to her?
I love her,
I loved her.