Hey guys this is an unfinished poem I wrote – I have wrote an explanation of hot I end it at the bottom. Feedback please :)

29 Jan

Even though you didn’t exist
by Simone Estridge

 

I remember that day when I coloured you in,
in my colouring book.
7 years old and I knew all about detail.
Pencil drowning deeper in the ocean of white paper,
waves of lead in the corners of your mouth.
Darker in the creases where you smile.

Gripping the enemy I made in my pencil,
I pressed down firmer,
harder,
until it choked.
The lead, it cracked –
just as you did with laughter.
Your eyes grew orange like the night owl I used to dream about.
My eyes clenched shut.

I hoped you’d disappear in that glimpse of darkness.
Tentative eyes open and notice, somehow, in the midst of the thick clouds of blackness my bubbling thoughts created,

you stole me.

You raped my heart with your hands.

I can still taste the salt in my mouth.

That afternoon, I sacrificed my life to hear your heart breathe.
What was once paper, became stone.
I hid behind your eyes of deception.
I wore you laughter as my own.
And those waves of lead I drew became my laughing lines.

{This is the first part… So basically the poem is about a young girl drawing a picture of someone which comes alive and resonates in her life, the person is not real, but it comes out in traumatic times of her life. The poem follows another event in her life when she is 18… She comes across this drawing again, in a bad event in her life. She has a fight with it and realises that they are not real, and she realises that the thing she is fighting is fear and shame, in the end she rips the book up and lives her life in freedom.}     

Hopefully you get the idea.

Feedback would be great.

Thank you!

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3 Responses to “Hey guys this is an unfinished poem I wrote – I have wrote an explanation of hot I end it at the bottom. Feedback please :)”

  1. mouthypoets January 30, 2012 at 12:29 am #

    Lovely idea. Reminds me very much of the feeling you get when you clear your room and find the awful shite you wrote when you were 14 and cringe abit. Anyone? Surely not just me. Really interesting perameter, comes across well in the opening, looking forward to seeing the rest.

    Matt M x

  2. mouthypoets February 3, 2012 at 11:38 am #

    hey Simone, Anne here: I love the idea – but I didn’t get that it was a creature you created, coming to life – the description of the drawing – pencil drowning deeper – is really strong. The stanza that begins ‘that afternoon…’ I feel is a little too jam packed with general dare I say it?? cliche – I am so sure you can find other ways of saying this – it will be interesting to see what the second part is like, because I think I would like to see her 18 year old self first, then flash back to how she drew this thing at 7… really keen to see how this pans out as I like where it is going

  3. mouthypoets February 13, 2012 at 1:00 pm #

    Hehmy Simone, Debris here.

    I think this is the strongest thing I have heard
    From you. In those whole 2 first stanza the only thing I would challenge is a little bit more specificity with the owl- what kind of night owl? Otherwise I Love every line, the description has movement, originality and familiarity all at once.

    Then from ‘I hoped you’d disappear’ to ‘heart breathe’ I would say is basically non stop cliche. That needs a complete rewrite. Take a step back and ask yourself what you are tryingto say, remind yourself of the original character you were describing before?

    I agree with annea suggestions for pushing this piece forward but I think maybe ripping up the paper seems to easy, a bit too much of a ‘get up and move on’ cliche. Could she not look in the rest of the book and discover all the other beautiful bright things she drew? Zoom out and see the bigger picture in her life? I would like o push you to make a more well rounded conclusion that could enlighten others because I know your writing is capable of it!

    We miss u
    How did ur interview go?
    Debs

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