What’s a Mouthy Poet Welcome?

12 Feb

Hi Mouthy Poet and Mouthy Readers 🙂

 

Raisa is a brand new Mouthy poet and we are delighted to have her on board on our way to Say Sum Thin III at Notts Playhouse on 31st of March (tickets on sale now!).

Here is a poem of hers that she would like feedback and opinions and love on 🙂

Like……….
It’s like the rush of alcohol running through my veins
A sudden rush of adrenalin causing excitement
To suddenly take over my natural state of mind
This type of excitement has no need for drugs or alchol
Who would of thought?
A rush of adremiline can enter my body
Through and insertation of ones self
Enraptured within the inner self of the other
Flowing like the ocean hitting the walls of the earth
Two and throwing
Who said there isn’t no way in hell can no body make me feel
Feel like you make me feel
Spiritually connected
Through ones thinking to my own
Smashing bashing riming
Smoothing smooching
Moving
Breathing faster and faster
Can’t anybody make me feel?
Like tomorrows worth living
Worth caring sharing wanting yearning
Being educated by the insertation of ones outer
To my inner being
Like two peas in a pod
Ripened by loving
Matched like birds
On a tree of tranquillity.
By Raisa and Posted by Debris
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7 Responses to “What’s a Mouthy Poet Welcome?”

  1. chihirotoinspire February 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    Hello,

    please comment and support I am sooo proude to become a mouthy poet such an exciting experiance. xx thankyou debra xx from Raisa

    • mouthypoets February 12, 2012 at 7:55 pm #

      Hey Raisa it is out pleasure. Do you want any particular feedback to guide people?

      Debs

  2. chihirotoinspire February 12, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

    I would love feed back also will be posting up some more that uses differnt subjects Ect. will be feedbacking on others aswell.( wow ! xxx 🙂

  3. Matt M February 13, 2012 at 1:17 am #

    Hi Raisa,

    I like the feel of this piece and the way it deals with quite close to the bone material, if you’ll excuse any unintended pun, without shying away. I like the imagery of the ocean smashing against the walls of the earth, but maybe generally, imagery in this poem would be more effective if it was toned down to more specific commonplace images? For example, I like the idea of two matching birds and feel this could be expanded or given more thought. Given the tumultous nature of the subject (which comes across well) perhaps quieter similies such as this would juxtapose nicely? Only a thought. I loved ‘two and throwing’ – immediately feels as if it should say to and fro-ing, but it doesn’t and actually, two and throwing makes absolute sense in context and works well. Back to the ocean thing, no influences from the nightclub is there? :p In terms of criticism, I feel like you have the beginnings of some nice images and thoughts but that each needs to be given more time and made more concrete as an idea of what you’re trying to get across.

    Much welcoming Mouthy love,

    Matt M x

    • chihirotoinspire February 19, 2012 at 6:43 pm #

      Thankyou xx I understand where you are coming from the imagery is quite explicite in terms. thankyou xx

  4. mouthypoets February 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    Hey Raisa,

    I think you have done some really interesting thins here and this is a really exciting piece to see from a newcomer. 🙂

    I like the image of alcohol rushing through blood it reminds me of the fact that if you smoke it makes you drunk quicker.

    I think your have some great imagery and word play here e.g.
    ‘like the ocean hitting te walls of the earth’
    ‘ripened by loving’

    I also think there is an interesting movement from the speed and craziness of inebriation to the calmness of having the right person.

    I think the two key things that will move this on, of Which really build on what matty said:
    – push the specificity of your images. E.g instead of ’causes an emotion to suddenly take over the state of my mind’ (state of min being a cliche and we do not like cliches because they are phrases everyone has used like chewing gum chewed 50 times before you and your emotions an stories are worth more than that) instead ask yourself- this character I am describing, what are they doing? What do they look like when this emotion takes over? They might vomit in a taxi cab or cry in the middle of the dancefloor. Instead of telling u what is happening inside that person, show us an image of what that person is doing as a consequence.

    I challenge you to go through this process with the following lines (as well as the one above):
    -the sudden rush of addrenalin causing excitement
    -enraptured within the inner self
    -Can’t anyone make me feel like tomorrow’s worth living?
    -like two peas in a pod (just think of another plant you can use because I love thefollowing line)

    I you do these things I would love to gk through your next draft in person! Really great having you!

    Debris

    • chihirotoinspire February 19, 2012 at 6:46 pm #

      Thankyou for that critiism it will really help me be more individual with lines that creat imagery in not sooo obviouse way I am coming next friday this friday if i can afford to come to that showing of the us poets but i really appreciate all the help wow soo happy that i attend mouthy poets if its the best thing ive done this year xxxx

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