my love lace and revolution poem please critique if you wish to positive and negitives

14 Dec

Your heart is my

Satnav

My inner soul

Gets you

Even when my eyes can see you

Our bodies radiate the sun and moon

You, my lunar star, me your solar eclipse

Connected by the linen linguist,

Strange eyes

Blinded by us

But ears drowned by them,

Those voices, sounds of unease,

Lead currents of moistened waves,

Vulnerable to lusts bay

Where I lay my head in order to find

What they say is love….

Young miniscule mind

Desperate for love…

As if it could fall from a tree.

Parting the oceans so easy as

Hide and seek

But painful to unread, unpick, uncore that apple that eve bit

Stranded ,remanded in custody of pirates

CHOKE!……

JOKES they sped

Took!

They took

Hope

I hoped

That one day, just one day

Those thieving hands wont, endevore

My maturing pride,

They wont even float a boat

It will… sink

I will swim..

And their you stood

With the storm hitting base

Your reoccurrence, lead me to believe that we had a rhythmatic

Crescendo of

Accapella echoes

Flowing vibrations

From our hearts

Misunderstood

But

Uncorrected

Our juvenile buckets and spades

Lead us into a garden called ours,

Did not see your reflection in the sand

Or your wave amongst the tide,

I felt your thunder come

Harshly between my diaphragm,

(Breaths)

I take extra measure

Holding you so we won’t descend,

Our reflection I soon saw,

Came to me in a dream

As thought, premeditated.

We shared our own revolution

I am sure you will all know

Love alone has so many meanings

But when you truly

No it your soul absconders.

 

Raisa Mcleary Francis xx

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One Response to “my love lace and revolution poem please critique if you wish to positive and negitives”

  1. mouthypoets January 6, 2013 at 11:34 pm #

    Hi Raisa!

    LOVE
    -I love the way I can feel you pushing yourself in every poem I read from you; there is always a growth in vocabulary and a new understanding of form.
    -I like the way I can feel your emotions gushing onto the page in your writing.
    -Love the like “But painful to unread, unpick, uncore that apple that eve bit”
    -I like the dynamic of pace and how the lone breaks and language changes how fast I read it!

    QUESTIONS
    -What is actually happening? Could you give me 5 bullet points telling me what happens in this poem step by step?
    -What do you want this poem to make me feel?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -Have you ever tried cutting as much as possible from a first draft and just leaving the bones of the poem? I think that might be something interesting to to with this, instead you might have this (I have also cut out clichés)…

    My Satnav.
    Our bodies radiate.
    My Lunar star.
    Your solar eclipse.

    …Do you get what I mean? Because I think very often your repeat yourself, you say things in a way that could be shorter and clearer. I also think doing these exercises would help this in your writing… https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/

    O hope this helps?
    Debris

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