Wrong time and place, wrong type of lace.

15 Dec

Hi, Jeren here. Piece for SS4, written on Friday. Would REALLY appreciate some feedback if you can 🙂
What did you get?
What didn’t you get?
Strong lines?
Weak lines?
Edit…?
What could be improved?
What could be added?

___________________________________________________________
Wrong time and place, wrong type of lace.
(title prolly gonna change…….)

You’re in the wrong place.
You really shouldn’t be here.
In a hot sticky mess in 10, 9, 8….
You’re wearing lace.
Expensive.
It’s not you.

White
Wedding
Snow flakes fall,
He looks back to make sure you’re still there.
“You wont stand me up right” He had chuckled.
But now you’re not so sure.

Stupid lace.
Itchy, Horrible.
RIP IT OFF!
He smiles and…
You remember how you fell.
But now you’re not so sure,

Third row, two seats in.
He smiles. He knows.
Oh god he knows!
You want to turn and run, ripping your train and leaving it behind.

Yet somehow you force yourself to stay.
Why?
I don’t, somehow changes into I do.
Lightening speed a ring on your finger,
Unwanted lips on yours.

No! Don’t cheer!
What have you done?
Stupid lace.

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2 Responses to “Wrong time and place, wrong type of lace.”

  1. mouthypoets December 16, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

    I quite like the 2nd person approach – the whole thing sounds very floaty and abstract. It’s like one of those adverts where there’s someone stood behind glass watching themselves and shouting. With the instructional tone, it has a kind of prose feel to it, which is fine.
    The first time I read it through, I was confused with what was going on until the end. On 2nd reading it made more sense and I enjoyed the storyline.
    I liked the detachment of the voice in the first couple of stanzas – ‘you are here, this is what’s happening, that’s all I need to say’ etc. The lack of opinion and dash of sarcasm had great effect I felt. However, how lose this voice very quickly, inserting an active dilemma in the 3rd stanza with lines such as ‘RIP IT OFF!’ and later ‘Oh god, he knows!’ Originally I was gonna criticise this and say stick with the detached tone but I’ve just read it again and disagreed with myself – I like that there’s a struggle between this cool sarcastic voice of cold reason and the more direct confused and heated voice of the person who this situation is affecting. Maybe you could further emphasise this dialogue within the poem somehow? Or alternately, pat me on the head and say at least I got there eventually – it’s quite a clever piece really. On that point, I like the opening two lines. Get’s the tone of that voice across well.
    In terms of improvement, its currently suffering from an overdose of cliché in places; ‘White wedding’, ‘snowflakes fall’, ‘turn and run’, ‘somehow changes’, ‘lightning speed’, ‘unwanted lips’ – these are all lines/phrases which I feel you can rework and make more effective – cement the image. You want to get the message that a wedding is taking place – saying ‘white wedding’ is, I feel, too easy. Following this with ‘snowflakes fall’, it seems like you’ve tried to pad out a weak image, though the words themselves don’t seem to serve much purpose.
    Don’t see this as harsh – this is a draft right? There’s always stuff that needs reworking.
    One more thing – you seem to be experimenting with repeated lines. i.e. – ‘Now you’re not so sure’ and ‘stupid lace’. Keep experimenting with this. With the whole dialogue element I think repeated lines could be very effective but you need to find the best way of doing this and have reasons for the placement of them.
    Keep going with this – it’s a clever idea and worthy of several re-drafts.

    Matt M

  2. mouthypoets January 6, 2013 at 11:19 pm #

    Hey Jeren,

    I am finally here! Sorry for the delay.

    LOVE
    -As a whole it is really impressive, your use of sentence structure and line breaks are really strong and concise. Considering that redundancies used to be something you struggled with and that you are 15(?!?!?!) this is truly amazing.
    -I also love the 2nd person approach, for similar reasons to Matt.
    -Great line: “unwanted lips on yours”
    -The pace of the action and the quality of the dialogue is fantastic!

    QUESTION
    -Why do you say the title is probably going to change?
    -You repeat rip and ripping? Is that deliberate? Put rip in a thesaurus and see what other words you could use that might be more effective?

    SUGGESTION
    -Cut “Lightening speed a ring on your finger”
    -I agree with Matt, there are some clichés, but just put the individual words that make the cliché into a thesaurus to make a new phrase or ask yourself: what to I mean by this? Feel what you want you audience to feel and try and come up with a better description.

    Well done, let me know if there is any other way I can help?

    Debris

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