Regret

18 Dec

Regret waited for me by my guitar, re-aligned the stars and sat beneath the moon.

I awoke from broken dreams, hearing the moan of his silence.
Sat next to him, as he shared with me the time of when he chased the world back into it’s socket – of when he painted the town blue.

Regret waited for me.
Stenciled a picture of the rooftops, and with a voice that melted like sand through stone he said, “ I don’t mind helping you.”

Feedback would be great, thank you 🙂 

By Simone x

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3 Responses to “Regret”

  1. Vic December 19, 2012 at 8:17 am #

    “I awoke from broken dreams, hearing the moan of his silence”- ❤

  2. Matt December 28, 2012 at 12:44 pm #

    really good opening line

  3. mouthypoets January 6, 2013 at 10:31 pm #

    LOVE
    -I agree, love the first line.
    -Actually I love the whole thing, I love how little yet how much you are giving me with the words you choose.
    -It feels like a trailer to a movie, like you are giving me all the best bits of a situation and letting me guess what happened! And I love that.
    -Some favourite lines, where I feel you have innovated clichees;
    “when he chased the world back into it’s socket”
    “painted the town blue”
    -Amazing verbs the whole way through!
    -Love the ending

    QUESTIONS
    -Why have you centralised the poem?
    -Not sure how you can hear silence or how it has a moan? What are you trying to explain here?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -The middle stanza has some great content but I think it is written a little clumsily, I think playing with sentence structure and like breaks can easily edit this (I have also edited the clichees cause I couldn’t bring myself to type them, so if you could change them that would be great ;p)

    I awoke from sparkling nightmares,
    hearing the moans sat next to him, he told me
    he once chased the world
    back into it’s socket
    and painted the town blue.

    …obviously I am not saying take these changes but play around with tightening the sentence structure and line breaks and see what works best for what you are trying to achieve?

    I hope this helps.
    Great poem! Will you be performing it at SST4?

    Debris

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