Reaper love

20 Dec

I have lost the fortitude of love so may the reaper take my heart upon the boat and see the boatman safely across to the other side, when I reach my final resting place allow me to hold you one more time and feel whole for I have kept the nightmare of solitude company for far too long now the thoughts that I belong to have created a corridor of insecurity and suspicion.

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2 Responses to “Reaper love”

  1. mouthypoets January 6, 2013 at 8:47 pm #

    LOVE

    -Awww I love the movement of this poem, it is like the side: sinister and beautiful.
    -I love the ending and the image of that corridor and the way you float slowly to it.
    -I think the flowing use of language is really charged and effective; fortitude, boatman, solitude, insecurity and suspicion. Lovely.

    QUESTIONS
    -I am interested in knowing why you have chosen the prose poem format? I feel that this format has possibly made some of your sentences feel a little clunky, using more punctuation and line breaks might help you avoid this. For example…

    I have lost love’s fortitude
    may the reaper take my heart
    upon the boat: see the boatman safely across,

    when I reach my final resting place

    …you can play around with this and it will add a new layer of meaning to the poem and also make you ask yourself what each line means and what each stanza means – each stanza (aka paragraph) should carry a unit of meaning, in my example above the first stanza there is a introduction to the cause of the events (the loss of love’s fortitude), the consequence being that the heart is sent away. Each stanza should develop the narrative further. Do you think playing with this might help you make the narrative a little bit clearer and your lines a little bit more concise?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -Cliches that need addressing; ” final resting place”, “allow me to hold you one more time” “feel whole” …. Try putting each word in a thesaurus to keep the meaning but revitalise the phrase or ask yourself “what do I actually mean?” these phrases are use to describe thousands of things, what are you trying to say that can only be said about this scene/theme/character/story?

    I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions?

    Debris

    • mouthypoets January 7, 2013 at 10:58 am #

      Hi have just read through I don’t know why but when I write its quite instinctive so I don’t feel like I’m writing poems until I finish, a friend of mind did point this out to me a few weeks ago he said that some of my writings lack a certain structure because of this. When I recut I know how I want it to sound bug do understand it can be confusing for people reading I will try and start to write in stanzas but I do also like this form as it feels less like and poem and more so like creative writing, if that makes sense? But am glad you enjoyed it and will explore playing with format. Thanks again

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