A Possible Entry for February:

21 Dec

The King Of C*nts


I raise my eyebrows just to say hello

All I get in return is a ‘yo yo yo!’

In your voice that makes me feel so blue

You are a tw*t and I don’t like you

You still play with magic cards and Pokemon

You ride a skateboard aged twenty one

And yet you were a hipster, before it was cool

You had it all figured out at secondary school

You tell us about philanthropy

And your well-seated philosophy

And all the women think your so deep

But when I listen, I fall asleep


People talk about you and I get bored

In every sport you’ve played, you’ve scored

Every team you’ve joined has won

Every project you’ve started is done

Every film you watch becomes a hit

Though all of your music tastes are sh*t


Even dubstep MCs would blush


I really don’t care about your worldly thoughts

I just wonder why you only ever wear shorts

And the same backpack and hooded top too

As if you’re too deep to buy something new

Even when out on karaoke nights

You make people giggle and laugh with delight

You tell everyone that you only drink tea

Then invite girls to yours to try LSD

The hard times in life for you are sparse

Even head lecturers kiss your a*se

They worship the ground you walk upon

Plenty of tuition for you one-to-one

You’ve got away with every rule you’ve bent

And had comebacks for every challenge sent

My heart and feet both quicken in pace

Whenever, wherever I see your face


And you treat me like I’m a closest friend

But I think you’re just one big b*ll-end

You always walk round with headphones on

As if memorizing lyrics to some yuppie song

Even on Facebook, my woes get higher

My own mum went on your page and got inspired

With all arty shots on Instagram

You clutter my feed with your indie spam

Apparently, you’re not that tough a guy

And are actually really sensitive inside

Well, bully for you! – a piece of me dies

Then go and heal an orphan’s tears with your eyes

With your six-pack abs that get girls so hot

‘Cus you’re at the gym every spare minute you’ve got

Why do you have two-inch holes in your ears?

It doesn’t make you look good – just a bit queer

Every word from you is a subliminal diss

If we meet in a bar, I go for a p*ss

When you start to dance, there’s no rebuke

When you start to flirt, I want to puke

You make girls look so easy to charm

When you show them a bit of your tattooed arm

Your laugh haunts me when I go to bed

You’re the nightmare in Freddie Kruger’s head

You walk with a smile cus you’re a bit thick

Even other douche-bags think you’re a pr*ck 

Everything I do just gets along fine

Til you turn up – then it’s a waste of time


I had a notion of the funniest thing

In a kingdom of c*nts, you’d be it’s king

You’ve travelled around all over the world

And you could have gone out with any girl


…but her.



Cheers Mouthys, I’ll see you all in the New Year! 🙂
Ad x


6 Responses to “A Possible Entry for February:”

  1. Matt December 21, 2012 at 5:29 pm #

    I quite like the sound of this guy. Stop being so jealous.

    • Adam Broome December 22, 2012 at 10:45 am #

      Trust me – you never met him 😛

      Though this is in part a metaphor of a guy who has absolutely no personality or interesting character traits, and has lost his love to someone who takes drugs, rides skateboards, listens to cool music and travels around. Thus, he is jealous of such people. Very, very jealous indeed 😉

  2. Sacha December 26, 2012 at 2:47 pm #

    Adam. Loved it… you had me in stitches! 😀

  3. Adam Broome January 3, 2013 at 8:35 pm #

    Cheers Sacha, will look forward to seeing how we all do performing them on Friday haha! (I wont be there until half past, so don’t do yours until I get there okay? :D) ~X~

  4. mouthypoets January 6, 2013 at 7:58 pm #

    Hey Adam, I mean this poem is getting a lot of love! And justly so!

    A lot of people know I am really not into swearing as a poet BUT, that is because I understand the power of swear words. Here, you have used them to great comedic effect.

    -Your use of specificity is great, and is what makes the whole this so effective. It makes both the narrator and the King seem very real and therefore very relatable to the reader/audience. In fact, your audience felt so engaged, one of them started standing up for the persecuted character!
    -“You tell everyone that you only drink tea
    Then invite girls to yours to try LSD”
    -“I just wonder why you only ever wear shorts”
    -“With all arty shots on Instagram
    You clutter my feed with your indie spam”
    – An example of the great use of topical references throughout this piece!
    -“If we meet in a bar, I go for a p*ss” – LOVE LOVE LOVE this line!

    -I enjoy how you bring the title in just at the end to give it a cyclical sense of conclusion and I also love the twist at the end that gives the humour a more serious and human emotional context. The ending also enabled the audience to feel some affection towards the narrator rather than just thinking he is bitching, he has a reason and one most people will be able to relate to and therefore further relate to your piece and performance. Nice.

    Even dubstep MCs would blush” …. Not sure I understand this bit, and I love dubstep?
    -“Well, bully for you!” also not sure I understand this?

    -In places your use of rhyme pushes you into the cliche, and you are clearly capable of being more original, so I challenge you to make the following sections more original (I would do this by looking at a rhyming dictionary and working around the words I get back but it is up to you how you want to address it!):
    -“In your voice that makes me feel so blue”
    -“And all the women think your so deep” (Though maybe if you italicised ‘so deep’ so it is like you are quoting what the women say, it would work far better)
    -“They worship the ground you walk upon”
    -“You’ve got away with every rule you’ve bent
    And had comebacks for every challenge sent”

    I am really sorry that I didn’t mention the 12a thing sooner, if I were you I would experiment with replacing the swearing, but I do understand the use of it hear and it does work really well! But either way, hopfully this feedback will help you develop the piece for other performances!

    Warmest Regards

  5. Adam Broome January 7, 2013 at 11:28 am #

    Cheers Debris! I have an idea about a possible way of delivering this in SST4 – doing a ‘radio edit’ version (just putting blank spaces where any offensive words are located) It will teeter close to something from a rap battle in this style, but I could perform it this way on Friday and see what the result is?
    ‘Bully for you’ could well be Midlands lingo – ‘Good for you’ works just as well, so I’ll change that. In other feedback I got, someone told me the dubstep line was their favourite – perhaps the line works better when spoken?
    Funnily enough, when performed at the last session, the ‘Instagram’ and ‘Two Inch Hole’ lines were already edited out! I can put the Instagram line back in if you think it works well, I just wanted to avoid accidentally annoying loads of people who use it, or people who have flesh tunnels (but I can criticise dubstep just fine, because I’m a fan of that music genre too!)
    I’ll also italicise a few of the emphasized words, as I agree it does help the poem work better on paper.
    Cheers for the feedback!

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