Sleepless

26 Dec

Lights off, light in,
heads down, brain begin,
shut down, start up,
empty bladder, full cup,
thoughts thick, mattress thin,
slumped torso, restless shin,
toss, turn, memories burn,
liver churns, never learn,
stay in bed, get up, earn,
think of daisies, think of urns,
mattress heavy, body light,
switch back on and wait for sight.

Matt Miller

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3 Responses to “Sleepless”

  1. Sacha December 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

    Nice rhythm and rhyme! 🙂

  2. mouthypoets January 6, 2013 at 7:26 pm #

    Haha, really reminds me of Caroline Bird’s poem, “my heart says… My head says…” did you take inspiration from it? You have drawn from the use of rhythm and juxtaposition really well and innovatively I think.

    Love the lines “shut down, start up,
    empty bladder, full cup,
    thoughts thick, mattress thin,
    slumped torso, restless shin,”

    So much so, I am tempted to suggested cutting the first two lines and starting there? Because I kind of feel like the first two lines are suggested by the rest of the poem in a better way, do you know what I mean?

    “Restless shin” – really showing your use of the techniques Bird taught us about pairing words in interesting ways to create nuances meaning, I think you have done it beautifully throughout this poem. I would say with the exception of “toss, turn, memories burn,” toss and turn is an unoriginal way of saying sleepless, as is burning memories, I like the meaning of the line but I think you need a better way of saying it, maybe try putting each word in the thesaurus? You should have, “tossing dust, memories combust” … play with it! See what you get.

    “stay in bed, get up, earn,” I think the verbs could be better in this line, I know we have spoken about verbs before – you know what to do!

    Love the ending,

    think of daisies, think of urns,
    mattress heavy, body light,
    switch back on and wait for sight.

    Fantastic mix of dream-like imagery and concrete presents, great use of words, only one I am not sure of is “body”, maybe being more specific might make it feel more tangible?
    Lips light
    nostrils light
    front teeth light
    fingers light
    calves light? …. I feel like the rest of the poem has this kind of concrete detail and that skill should be reflected to the end.

    Well done, great to see a shorter piece from you. You are really showing off your craft here and as a result I have really enjoyed giving you this feedback – thanks!

    Debris

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Sleepless « The MOUTHY Poets blog - January 24, 2013

    […] down, start up,empty bladder, full cup,scrutiny thick, mattress thin,slumped torso, restless shin,fling […]

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