Lace market

27 Dec
Lace market
 

Patterns cut like snowflakes for all to see as the crowds gather in the markets growing  continuously, bringing their children from beyond the Nottingham region forming straight lines resembling roman legions, it’s like a war as they try to attain the perfect lace, whether for window curtains or a lovers embrace, as siblings make haste to cover the ground burdened by bags that weigh them down, it’s all around where ever they look, placed on tables and draped on chairs, draped on torsos making human souvenirs, as proven fears of the past come to play on minds, as vintage is what they look for knowing they may not find, as the day moves on the lace is never ending the markets still full of people comprehending, kids grow tired and some even cold, wondering when they leave will their youth be bestowed, as their parents plod on looking for gems, lace made of silk they can show to their friends, gold threads on display bobbing through the crowds as profits reap from the dismay of times ticking howls.

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7 Responses to “Lace market”

  1. Matt January 3, 2013 at 10:26 pm #

    I like this a lot, and so does my dad!

    Really like the rythm and pace of it. I was wondering – is this intended as its finished form, in terms of page layout? If so, why? (I’m curious, not necessarily criticising)

    Two lines I particularly like –
    the reference to lines like roman legions was very nice
    the last line worked very well to bring in what seemed to be a slight political comment, weighted about right

    Two lines I’m not so sure about –
    Why are the people ‘comprehending’? what are they comprehending? Is this word just there cos it fits the rythm and rhyme, or do you know what it means?
    ‘When they leave will their youth be bestowed’ – I kinda see what you’re trying to say here, i think, but again it feels that you’ve crammed it into the rhyming structure and consequently lost some of its meaning – maybe try re-ordering slightly, find a new way of saying that thing.

    All thoughts, it does generally have a nice feel and encapsulates the downbeat monotony of a cold winter market

    • Aaron Broomfield January 4, 2013 at 9:22 am #

      Thanks for feedback! I used the word comprehending to tie with the line before, showing that they are thinking about the impacted of not attaining their perfect or vintage lace. The line youth be bestowed was to convey the sense of an era in one sense the old markets but also to try an relate to younger readers who where dragged from pillar to post when they would rather be running around if that makes sense.
      The structure is just how I write all the time sometimes leads to problems following if the poem is long a habit I am trying to get out of.

      Thanks I will try and edit now

  2. mouthypoets January 6, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

    LOVE
    -I like the intense use of rhyme throughout; how that gives it a hustle and bustle, I feel like maybe you have also chosen the prose-poem layout to reflect that too and I think that is really successful. I feel squished into that market as a child and I can’t see past peoples shopping bags and legs.
    -I love the way you have created a really vivid sense of time an place, I feel a bit like Oliver Twist; I can see the cobbles, feel the people pushing past and smell the bread being sold. It is saturating and feels like and experience.
    -I think the ending is so close the excellent, you are matching words and ideas alongside rhyme in a really exciting way!
    -I like how closed to finished this feels, you have an exciting poets brain – where imagery, narrative, rhyme and character meet!

    QUESTIONS
    -Why have you chosen the prose-poem format? (similar question to Matt’s)
    -” as profits reap from the dismay of times ticking howls” This sounds lovely, and feels very close to a nice ambiguous ending with hints of profundity, however I have no idea what it really means… do you? Maybe trying adding an image into this last line, for example, ” as profits reap from the palms of Mothers and time howls like our missing brothers” – I have routed the sense of abstraction in the people and things in the present scene of the poem. Does that make sense?
    -What is actually happening? Can you write 5 bullet points explaining the action in this poem?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -In the middle of the poem I feel you use rhyme really successfully, it gives the poem pace and purpose, however towards the end and beginning it feels like the rhyme it driving the poem forward and as a consequence the action doesn’t really make (I am not sure what is happening) sense and the writing can feel a little sloppy.
    -I want to challenge you to change the following rhymes; region (maybe you should cut this word, if feels like its only purpose is to kind of rhyme with children), likewise legions (I love the image but what relevance do Romans have to the moment you are trying to describe? It feels like a different tone to the rest of the poem which feels quiet Victorian and child-like in a brothers-grimm meets Charles Dickens type way. Try and find a simile that fits in line with that brilliant tone you have sustained in the rest of the poem?). Lovers embrace is a cliche, I know you can find a better way to describe that exact thing but still rhyme (have a look at a rhyming dictionary!).

    I hope this helps? Would be great to hear your answers to Matt and my questions!
    Debris

    • Aaron Broomfield January 6, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

      Hi everyone thanks for the feedback where to start? this is the question!

      Profits reap from times ticking howls, I used these words to express how people buy for the sake of buying. Profits rise due to the fact time is running out. My writing style is always like this interme if structure I suppose I just sit and write what I see so don’t give too much thought to structure( I know it’s bad!). The reason I used region was to show that it wasn’t just people from the town centre but the whole region, I originally was going to use Nottinghamshire but just visualised people queing in straight lines to get in the market and roman legions sprang to mind. However I do understand how it can take you from the period that I wanted to depict.

      I will try and meet your challenge to edit it as this is the first and only draft I have written I am thankful for all feedback and hope to make mouthy this Friday it’s shame when life gets in the way but I am still working hard and writing every day.

    • Matt January 6, 2013 at 10:24 pm #

      Aha so now you have two sets of feedback which criticise and praise contradicting things at times!
      I suppose then I should defend some things I mentioned more thoroughly – why do I like the legion image?
      Deb criticised it as anachronistic with the rest of the poem and I completely see her point. I feel however that there is perhaps room for this image: Unless I’m reading too deeply, there is a political point (if not necessarily a message) in this piece, drawn attention to by the last line primarily –
      ‘Profits reap from the dismay of time’s ticking howls’ –
      What I get from this is that this market and all the hustle and stress that come with it represents some of the natural repression people suffer, or feel to suffer, because of the nature of our society. This suffering has existed throughout time periods and therefore I feel the reference to legions has a place and potentially compliments your last line: When the Romans ran Nottingham, there was a market, and people felt this way, when the Normans ran Nottingham there was a market and people felt this way, when the Victorians ran . . ., when New Labour ran . . ., whatever (I realise this may not be historically accurate, but you have poetic liscence and I’m just trying to make a point)

      The prose poem format: I’m not disagreeing with it. In fact I wasn’t joking when I said my dad liked this and that was one of the first things he mentioned as a thing that worked for him. He said something along the lines of ‘It feels like you’re just reading a bizarre paragraph and then suddenly you realise it’s a poem’
      I also think Deb’s point about it complimenting the cramped conditions of the market is an excellent and insightful one. It would still be nice to hear if you have your own justifications for this form. Were there reasons for it originally? If not do you intend to keep it anyway? It would be interesting.

      I will end by reiterating that I did enjoy this piece a lot.

      Anyway, enjoy digesting the picked apart pieces of your work!

      • mouthypoets January 6, 2013 at 10:33 pm #

        It really just depends what you want to achieve. Matt and I have both explained what we feel are the effects of the image, so whichever effect you want to create, take the according feedback 🙂

        D

  3. mouthypoets January 6, 2013 at 10:21 pm #

    Hi Aaron,

    It if helps I can give you a challenge?
    -Try editing it into a poem that has stanza’s of three lines, and each of those lines should be roughly the same length.

    …I find sticking to a structure helps me challenge myself!

    -I understand your logic behind the time ticking sentence, but it isn’t clear to the reader so play around with it and see if there is a way you can clarify it.

    I am really glad you are writing every day and am impressed with how you are responding to feedback – to me this is the most important part of writing and the attitude you have is fantastic and gives me a lot of confidence in you. I can’t wait to hear you reading your work!

    Hopefully see you soon.
    Debris

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