Aside 6 Jan

Cheese line

You never know what u have lost till it’s gone.

But it’s true if I had known that your scent of Sean john, black and golden locks, brown/green island eyes, not big not small bt medium pink/brown lips and your tall muscular figure was not going to be here right now,

I would have shown you that I loved you when you were here.

I would have stopped thinking twice asking if I should or not I would have taken u in to my world make u see what I see through these just ordinary brown eys of mine,

I would have followed the love map of my heart a little more and it would have led me to u.

It’s hard to know that I cannot show you anymore not even a highlight or clue of the map that I once held on my heart.

I would have lived an era in just a few hours.

Consider every word u said, not letting them evaporate so fast. I was so wrapped in my own illustration, anxious to let it show, But now I crave to have loved you.

If I could go back I would change the moments that were insensitive to u the times that you were a broken shattered mirror I would have hidden the cracks that were seen in reflections.

But as an alternative I just have a few concise moments that I tried to show not enough at all.

I refused and erased the thought to feel love for you

Now you’re gone, I’m all alone, empty.

I wonder…… Did you know or feel that I loved you?

Advertisements

2 Responses to “”

  1. mouthypoets January 6, 2013 at 5:58 pm #

    Hey Wardah,

    really excited that you have posted something, it is always great to see your development.

    LOVE…
    -Hearing your voice when I read your words. I have missed it!
    -The line “I would have lived an era in just a few hours.” in fact, I like it so much, is there a way you could make it the first line?
    -The intense sense of emotion, you write like it is coming straight out of your heart and that is exciting!

    TRY…
    -I feel very caught up in the emotion as a reader, but I am not sure what is happening, could you tell me section by section what is actually happening in this poem and how you want that to make your audience/reader feel?

    -Why don’t you try playing around with line breaks and punctuation? I feel like it could help you be more concise with your language, for example your first stanza might become…

    It’s true.
    If I had known that your scent;
    Sean john, black and golden locks,
    brown/green island eyes,
    not big not small

    but medium pink/brown lips
    and your tall muscular figure
    was not going to be here
    right now,

    -This will illuminate the images you are giving the reader, they are great images, present them one at a time and use the control you have to present them however you want!

    QUESTIONS…
    – Is “Cheese Line” the title or a line of the poem?
    -The cliche is actually “you don’t know what you’ve GOT till it’s gone” … have you changed it to lost deliberately? If so, I like it WAYYYY better this way, it’s a very subtle way of innovating a (evil) cliche! I feel like I have lost loads of things, but they don’t really matter until my mum gives them to the charity shop, or they are suddenly wiped off my hardrive or I see a photo of it and re-live the moments, perhaps years ago, when I realised it was lost.
    -However, if you meant to use the cliche … why have you chosen to use it?

    I hope this helps!
    Debris x

    • mouthypoets January 7, 2013 at 12:22 am #

      wow yeah it has helped and i will try your suggestions

      “I would have lived an era in just a few hours.” i will try and work it

      yes cheese line is a line

      yeah i changed cah it still sounds cheesy

      i i do not n#know why exactly i have used it but i was talking to my cousin wen her brother died in November and that’s what she said

      thanks Debris

      Warda xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: