Love, Lace and Revolution (by Maresa)

7 Jan

The girl child worked her tiny fingers

until they stain the fine work of her lace.

The stain she makes with the rawness of skin, torn:

too young to work.

 

There were eyes watching the girl child

with fondness and anger, as cat a ready

to pounce on her captors.

 

Older now, the eyes are watching again

at the empty space.

Watching the space filled with another.

 

Those little hands never had the chance to grow

are now just dust, unremembered

except by the saddened, watching eyes.

 

There’s passion in those watching eyes,

unquenched and burning, still ready to pounce

on another’s behalf

 

when the time is ripe.

 

Maresa feels this is not finished, she has been working on a second poem/part from the point of view of the watcher. Feedback please…

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2 Responses to “Love, Lace and Revolution (by Maresa)”

  1. mouthypoets January 8, 2013 at 6:41 pm #

    LOVE
    -The line “until they stain the fine work of her lace.”
    -The line “Watching the space filled with another.”
    -This poem is a great example of line breaks with purpose, it manages to give the poem a cinematic feel and a build up of tension created by a use of repeated descriptions which I really enjoy.
    -The end does round off the poem in a satisfactory way, however I am uncomfortable with it ending on a cliche? Could you try putting adjusting the wording ever so slightly to stop it being one? e.g. When the alarm bell blossoms? When the sun opens? … there is something being achieved by the familiarity of the phrase, it is working in a way but I would like you to try some non-cliche options first before settling with this. Can I ask why you chose it?

    QUESTIONS
    -What does this poem mean to you? What are you trying to say? What are you trying to leave your audience with? I am not really sure what I am coming away with as your audience/reader and I want to know if that is deliberate?
    -Is this repetition deliberate; girl, child and tiny all suggest she is young (a word that is repeated again at the end of that stanza)? I think you should choose one and stick with it or find better words/lines to express that and more levels. In fact, part of me wonders if you need the first line at all? It is definitely made weaker by the strength of the second line (which I think is AWESOME and would be a really interesting way to start a poem). What do you think?
    -Is there a way you can show me she is young rather than telling me over and over? Could you describe her actions, her designs, her face? The image of the blood lace being repeatedly stained is so strong, I want to maintain that sense of imagery like I know you can.

    Debris x

  2. Sacha Wise January 11, 2013 at 3:08 pm #

    Hi Maresa,

    Thank you for your thought provoking poem.

    I think you have some really great lines in there like:

    “The stain she makes with the rawness of skin, torn:”

    “Those little hands never had the chance to grow

    are now just dust, unremembered”

    I agree with Debris that the structure of the poem really adds something to it, an element of suspense. I am learning a lot about structure recently and it was nice as well as helpful to read a poem that is structured really well.

    The element of the poem that I thought could be improved upon is the overall clarification of what the poem is about. I am personally left with an ambiguity of the poems purpose and meaning.

    Also the ‘watching eyes’ throughout the poem were with… fondness and anger, saddened and with passion…. Does the owner of these watching eyes change mid way throughout the poem or is it the same character throughout? There are a lot of emotions there but not so much justifications for the emotions felt. As the reader I am left feeling unsure about this which takes away from the poem for me. But on the other hand some may like the ambiguity… but I would personally like to understand the poem more.

    These are my impressions and thoughts, to an overall well written piece. I hope the feedback given is helpful.

    Sacha

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