Revolution

7 Jan

Revolution

Bold are they that hold the hammer to simplicity, walking into the clutches of the unknown with only the thought of a better tomorrow, the road to true freedom is found beyond the barriers of social referendum, culled is the nature of our desires creating mirages for us to follow, but our desires yearn to be set free, fashioned to shadow the few into the glory of the promise, never really allowing the promise to bloom, it is the bold that will one day step into the light and break free from the shackles of moral torment, they shall bath in prospect but smell the sweetness that once eluded them, rising simultaneously like corn in a field dismantling the soiled blanket which has kept them beneath, haste is the movement but lingering is the liberation of this revolt.

First draft by Aaron Broomfield

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One Response to “Revolution”

  1. mouthypoets January 29, 2013 at 5:18 pm #

    Hello Again Adam,

    Some slightly shorter feedback from me now (you will probably be glad to hear, haha).

    LOVE
    -“Rising simultaneously like corn in a field dismantling the soiled blanket” this is the kind of original imagery I would love to see carried throughout the poem.
    -I think you have used the prose-poem form successfully here. Well done, that is a hard thing to achieve. I think the revolt harboured within the poem gives the continuous line and block of text as if it should stand on a plinth where a revolutionist once lay down his life for a cause.
    -Applause for using one whole sentence! I really didn’t notice. You have shown great use and understanding on punctuation and sentence structure here.

    SUGGESTIONS
    -Who are they? I am not sure you know? I need more specificity, detailed. I want you to show me what you are talking about. At the moment you have cliché and abstract noun – I want concrete imagery, things I can touch, see smell, taste. E.g. I have rewritten the first line with these things…
    Bright clothed are they that hold a screw-driver to a loaf of bread, a pencil, a democracy: striding into the clutches of a windowless nightclub
    -Above are my versions of bold, simple and the unknown. There are so many different versions, you need to pin down the specific ones you are talking about so that your reader/audience can engage with the characters and setting.

    QUESTIONS
    -Clichés; “a better tomorrow,” “true freedom,” “social barriers,” “nature of our desired,” “our desires yearn to be set free,” “step into the light,” “break free from the shackles,” “smell the sweetness.” How do you identify clichés in your own work? And what do you do when you find them? Think of a cliché as chewing gum that has been chewed by 1000 people before you – it has no flavour! You, have lots of flavour!!!! Ask yourself what you mean when you see a cliché? And think of an alternative image or sometimes it can just be a simple as looking up one of the words in a dictionary. Please address these.

    I hope this helps?

    Debris

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