Untitled (by George Wilding)

7 Jan

George has asked me to put this up here via a text from her phone – so the spacing/line breaks may not be as she intended but as I have done them (this is Anne!)

 

The last bead of grease from the cafe drips from his skin,

caresses my torso and slips down to soak into (the bed of?) cotton.

The ring of tills, the scrape of change, gone.

Vaporized salt lingers over my taste buds as I catch my breath.

The hours before are just a memory.

Through everything prior, we were lovers.

We were lovers all along.

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3 Responses to “Untitled (by George Wilding)”

  1. mouthypoets January 8, 2013 at 6:28 pm #

    Hi George!

    LOVE
    -I like the way you have used the word ‘bead’ which would usually be the cliche for describing sweat, but instead the familiarity of the description applied to grease makes the character seem so embedded in the cafe that they now sweat grease – a lovely purposeful innovation of a cliche!
    -There is a refinement in your sentence structure that i have never seen before and am really impressed by.
    -There are no redundancies and your use of punctuation is really impressive – a really exciting presentation of development from what I can see. Well done!

    QUESTIONS
    -(the bed of?) is this supposed to be there? If your asking if it should be there or not, I prefer it with just the word cotton. But it would be interesting to see what the general consensus is.

    SUGGESTIONS
    -Cliche: “catch my breath”
    -Unoriginal: “The hours before are just a memory.” – what do you really mean here, because I am not sure, the words aren’t giving me enough. There is such strong action in the rest of the poem and then towards the end it all gets very abstract. You go from AMAZING telling, to intense showing which I don’t think works.
    -I don’t like the last two lines, they feel rushed… what where you trying to do/say? What were you trying to make me (your reader/audience) feel? Could you do that by describing an action or an object, just like you have done so well earlier in the poem?

    Debris x

  2. Matt M January 10, 2013 at 6:39 pm #

    I actually quite liked the last two lines. It seems to be showing the mundanity of things after you’ve fallen out of love with someone? Things that ued to mean something don’t anymore etc.
    I agree, however, with Debs point about ‘the hours before are just a memory’ – I think you make this same point in a far more appealing way with the penultimate line, ‘through everything prior, we were lovers’ – which I like as a line very much. I like the downtrodden, dull acceptance in the rhythm of it.

    Also I agree that ‘catch my breath’ is weaker than its surrounding here.

    Like it though – short and sweet. Captures a moment I feel.

  3. mouthypoets January 12, 2013 at 4:43 pm #

    I think for me, like Debris says, the telling is so precise and involved initially (the ring of tills, scrape of change – fantastic use of the sense of sound) that when the final three lines arrive, I find myself pulled into almost overthinking ‘what has happened prior between these two characters? I know it feels like something negative/difficult/sad but what and is that the feeling you’re trying to be conveyed?’

    I think I almost need a hint of an event or situation that has happened between the two, in the earlier lines, if that makes sense? So when the conclusion arrives it still can be abstract, only there’s a subtle hint of something that happened, an action that has left the narrator with this reflection.

    Could even be something as simple as ‘I touch the bruise on my neck’, ‘he removes the jacket I bought, still stained with Bulmers I knocked from his hands.’. (Think of a specific action that might give us a little more as to what happened between these two lovers)

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