Me First

10 Jan

1. Go on the blog to give other people feedback.

2. Find something of your own that you like from ages ago.

3. Allow your ego to take control and repost said thing of your own just so it can be on the top.

4. Hang your head lower than Simba right after he asks dad if they can go home and maybe get a takeaway and then realises that Mufasa is very much dead when said thing of your own gets overlooked again.

Worth a go . . .

In the Studio

When your voice was
a tannoy warning
and our side activity,
flashing lights and never
enough buttons, wires
and flirting keys, you
were Belefonte building
waves, riffing the soundtrack
to the moment, not
just in the next room
but disconnected
and all the more present
for the parallelity of
the soft echo of your
ease the metronome
beat teased out in time.

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2 Responses to “Me First”

  1. anneholloway January 25, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

    Mufasa dead? Nooooo! No. He’s not dead – but… I don’t know how to critique this? Do I like it? Kind of… but I’m not sure what it is. It builds, like music, it’s almost like the tish tish tish of a drum beat – you know when they hit the high hat with those splayed out metal pastry brush things? It’s like an intro. It’s kind of like Jazz… and then is STOPS just as I was getting into it…. is that any help at all? I love the idea of flirting keys, never enough buttons – I can feel the intimacy – where you say:
    “all the more present
    for the parallelity of
    the soft echo of your
    ease the metronome
    beat teased out in time”

    “your ease”, threw me, but I get it now.

  2. mouthypoets January 25, 2013 at 3:27 pm #

    Me First

    Hello…Who is this?
    Not sure I understood the 1-4 introductions. What does it mean? Is it part of the poem? I don’t think it is, so I will stick you what you put up in verse. 

    LOVE
    -Love the first 3 lines. I am intrigued to know what kind of Studio it is? And what is the relevance of that being the setting? The voice as a Tannoy warning is very strong, love that.
    – “flashing lights and never
    enough buttons,” … great lines, I love how this imagery builds up the identity of the characters but in an indirect way.
    -The musicality is really enjoyable and natural.
    -I like the use of line breaks, the shape feels like a sound-wave and this is matched by the flow of the text.
    -You make really creative and exciting word choices which makes this really fun to read and play with from a reading, listening and editing perspective.

    QUESTIONS
    -What do you mean by “side activity”?
    -Not sure about “flirting keys”? it feels jarring? The wires and keys flirt? or Wires. Keys. Flirting… play around with the order of words because at the moment it doesn’t feel as strong as the rest although I like the concept.
    -“you were Belefonte building waves” – what does this mean? Sounds lovely but I wasn’t sure what was happening here.
    -What is riffing?
    -Not sure I understand this line – “the soundtrack/ to the moment,” ?
    -What do you mean when you use the word disconnected? This word feels too abstract, I want a more concrete description of what you mean?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -There are a lot of ing words, these words can often be week. I challenge you to rewrite this without any ing words… e.g.
    “a tannoy warns
    and our side activity,
    lights flash …”
    …Do you think you could try this?
    -I think your ending has all the right words in it, but I am not sure they are in the right order…I don’t really understand what you mean? I played around with the words and this is what I got, why don’t you try doing the same…
    the teased echo of your
    metronome. The ease
    of a beat, soft
    in time.

    I hope this is helpful! let me know if it isn’t, I want to utilise my time and give you the best support so any advice/questions on my feedback approach is greatly appreciated!
    Debris

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