love poem Raisa

11 Jan

Heyy how did you decide to hold me

Hey how did you decide to love me

Ohh

Baby how did I decide to love you

The very day I met you boy

I remember you just like it was yesterday

My juvenile smiles

Though I did not approach you  

We went from strength to strength

Fighted lions and tigers too

The love i feel for you seems

Newer to me every singles second

Of the hours that I spend with you#

Thought i try to recreate new lovers in dis space

My eyes they resonate the newer state in front of me

My heart it repels

The newer flesh in front of

Me.

I am a believer in God more today than I did yesterday

The power of love stayed to reside in me

I could sit here to recite our past let it roll off my tongue…let it sting in my eyes

Too emotional to suppress the emotions I have in me..

But still I stand

Use reverse psychology because now I find it

Hard to say I still love you truly

So truer

 That I locked it out

In cupboard that I don’t open

Our seams they sow just like the waves to the sand

Our love it grows from bitter to sweet in second of leaving

To the second of greeting

Our kind of tug and war love and hate incomplete implacency

Every night i close my eyes I thank the most high

For an angle like you

Existing in my life like a candle with endless light

 

need some help with ending this I love this poem i just free wrote it it will be what i want to use

 

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3 Responses to “love poem Raisa”

  1. mouthypoets January 12, 2013 at 4:07 pm #

    Awesome:

    – The passion resonating through the piece is thanks to the freewrite flow, short, sharp lines and mix of positive/negative emotion going down. The opening lines being questioning sets the audience up nicely for the ongoing conflict in the narrators voice.
    – “I could sit here to recite our past let it roll off my tongue…let it sting in my eyes”: Love this line. The image of someone literally letting the experiences pool from their tongue until their eyes physically sting to look at them is ace!
    – I think this will be exciting for you to perform. The confusion involved in the positive/negative aspects of love coupled with the frantic pace will be

    Suggestions:

    – I think this piece needs more concrete, specific detail. Right now I’m interested more in the idea of how straining and love can be, than picturing or feeling for the actual characters involved. i.e: what places make you think of this love, what clothing captures this love, what literal words were shared?’

    – This is clearly a personal poem and it’d be awesome to have some little details that were Raisa-specific, so even something as simple as instead of the line:’though I did not approach you’ you could use an example of how it felt:

    ‘passing me the fingers of your Kit Kat, I hoped you would ignore the shake of my own.’

    – You use the word ‘love’ several times and I think if you were to show that love in an image or example instead it would be way stronger and more unique. Think of things like the clear memories and things that happened that stood out. They can be painful things as much as loving things as this piece explores both sides! Try listing them and seeing if they could be put in instead.

  2. mouthypoets January 25, 2013 at 3:26 pm #

    Hey Raisa,

    Gosh, you have louds of poems up it. Great to see you are writing so much! It would be great to see you reading and commenting on some of the other poems too? I know with your dyslexia it might take a while, I can relate as I read 4 x slower than the average 16 yr old. But it is worth taking the time because reading the work of others and commenting no doubt will help you develop and edit your own work. If you have any anxieties around this, let me know. Mouthy and I are here to support ya 
    Okay, back to the poem!

    LOVE
    -“My juvenile smiles”
    -I think the thing that enables everyone to know you are a poet through and through is the way rhythm guides you. I can hear the poetry bursting out of you as I read the poem in my head. I can see how you made Roger cry!
    -Your grammatical ability is going from strength to strength. Well done – everything is clear and concise and I know you have struggled with this in the past.
    -I like the idea of a feeling being newer to you than a second. very good concept. But I think the lines could be cleaned up a bit. Read them out loud and see if you understand the concept fully. Could there be a better way of wording it? I am not sure how it goes from seconds to hours practically – what do you want the reader/audience to be visualising? Do you know? How could you make this clearer?
    -“they resonate the newer state”
    -“ Our kind of tug and war love”
    -The end is very sweet. Is that what you wanted your audience/reader to feel?

    QUESTIONS
    -Is this a song? It reads like one, and I actually really enjoyed that organic musicality to the conversational wording and phraseology.
    -How do you identify clichés in your own work? And what do you do when you find them? Think of a cliché as chewing gum that has been chewed by 1000 people before you – it has no flavour! You, Raisa, have lots of flavour!!!! So when you clock a cliché, ask yourself, what do I mean? What am I actually trying to explain – there are so many different types of bitter sweet feelings, which are you describing? The kind you get from a shot of tequila as you lick the salt of your wrist? The kind you get out of a Chinese takeaway box? The kind you get from a hang over? Replace the cliché with a specific description, that could not be used for any other situation. You are unique, push your words to reflect that.
    -Lines I don’t understand; “Fighted lions and tigers too,” “Too emotional to suppress the emotions I have in me.”
    -This is a very interesting line break, why have you chosen to do this?
    “The newer flesh in front of
    Me.”
    -Why do you bring god into this poem? What does this add to the poem?
    -“ Our seams they sow just like the waves to the sand”
    -Not sure what this word it – implacency?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -Clichés I would like you to address; “I remember you just like it was yesterday,” “We went from strength to strength,” “let it roll off my tongue…let it sting in my eyes,” “But still I stand,” “Our love it grows from bitter to sweet”
    -just as an experiment why don’t you try flipping the Love orientated words in this poem – i.e. make them hate orientated words. Because at the moment it can feel too love orientated, it might be interesting to create a stronger contrast in the text. E.g. The first four lines might become…
    Heyy how did you decide to grab me
    Hey how did you decide to hate me
    Ohh
    Baby how did I decide to hate you
    …I think the meaning is still the same, but there is a better dynamic within the text. What do you think? Do you think you could try this within the whole poem? You would need to change the word love into the word hate every time and switch a few other of the lovey words, like how I changed hold into grab? Let me know if you need any support with this.
    ……
    I know this is a lot of reading. But this is the process I go through when it comes to professionally performing and publishing my poetry. I know you are capable of doing the same so I wanted to invest this time in your work. If any of my methods don’t work for you, please le t me know. I am here to help you, not to confuse you 
    Great seeing your growth Raisa, it blows me over every time.

    Debris

    • mouthypoets January 28, 2013 at 11:42 pm #

      thankyou for the positive feedback i feel this poem also, I have it difficult trying to explain my feelings without masking it with exlpicit tho its both parts,this poem was painfull to write but i think that if it means alot it will work alot, I am going to work on this tomorow day and also get critiquing also. thankyou and i will be re reading throught this comments, I wanted to sing on this i will be re writing or adding to it and reading itout loud and also to people so ive my confidence up, Thankyou for your time spent appreciate it very much. xxx much loves Raisa

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