The Second (Possible) Entry For February

11 Jan

Evermore (A Life In Five Chapters)

 

I. 

 

Evermore had Rosie kissed

On a winter’s bench in chilled mist

When once I had stood from afar

And watched her dancing in the park

Round and round her feet swept free

Then she stopped and smiled at me

My heart then froze at what I saw

My heart frozen forevermore

 

A sweet late rapture in life did see

My sweet Rosie taken from me

In dance floor heat, I saw her hand

But at the time I did not understand 

I said goodbye and I had to go

But remembered the chill of virgin snow

Arctic air to fill my bed

To stalk my dreams inside my head

 

She left for life with another man

Away back home in tears I ran

Pounding thrusts on a kitchen floor

To haunt my life forevermore

 

II.

 

Evermore since Rosie I tried

But at every love lost I cried

How twisted was fate to be

To take sweet Rosie away from me

In wedlock she vanished from the world

No more the dancing snowdrop girl

Once when innocence had reigned tall

To shy a hand forevermore

 

I tore my soul for a moment’s peace

For maddening lingering thoughts to cease

When I felt Arctic air again

And echoes of Rosie’s feet remained

I shouted her name into ravenous dark

Rejected her dance in that misty park

Her ghost only to provoke my shame

Unto my life, I cursed her name

 

Yet far away, where none could see

Rosie ran with her son of three

Husband dead on the kitchen floor

His threat to linger nevermore

 

III.

 

Evermore was Rosie to flee

Until fate sent her back to me

Upon her face I grabbed her hand

And said this time I’d understand

She told me how she’d killed her spouse

Dead and forgotten inside her house

That night the chill began to thaw

Til police came knocking upon my door

 

How twisted was fate to be

To take her once again from me

That night she asked if I could lie

To give herself an alibi

In the station I took a seat

Hearing faint echoes of dancing feet

Last night her head was upon my chest

When love had put the ghost to rest

 

But vengeance alone was in my head

A wish to stop my nightmares dead

I told them she had broke the law

She had no alibi. Nevermore.

 

IV.

 

Evermore Rosie clawed her cell

Screamed and screamed in concrete hell

I saw her once, and she asked why

Not holding the tear in her eye

Through clenched teeth, I felt a frost

For all that time that I had lost

I would have gently set her free

Had her ghost only left me be

 

I never saw her face again

And in that cell she did remain

Sounds of thrusts on a kitchen floor

Were silenced now forevermore 

Quietly, gently, her ghost returned

To remind me as her spirit burned

From true love I would not be free

But she took her life without envy

 

From out the dark at point of death

She cursed my name upon her breath

My coldest lover of them all

I shall haunt you FOREVERMORE!

 

V.

 

Evermore I found a love of mine

In older years we moved in time

We fumbled around in welcoming dark

And danced in winter inside the park

How twisted was my fate to be

To grant my love at forty-three

In hope, I achieved a little fame

I forgot evermore that ghostly name

 

When once one day of relative bore

I heard a knocking at my front door

I opened it to an emotional wreck

And a dagger jammed inside my neck

As I bled upon the step

An orphaned boy above me wept

Then leaned in close and whispered sure

She’ll haunt you dad, forevermore

 

Rosie’s curse was upon my mind

She froze my heart one final time

Inside a room that has no door

We now both reside

Forevermore.

 

From what feedback I’ve had, the main thing I want to draw focus to is the final twist. The boy who kills the main character at the end is not the boy of three years old in chapter two – it is a child she had given birth to whilst in prison, after the night ‘the chill began to thaw’ (thus, her actual curse) Is this point clear enough, or is it too complicated a device? I have this poem roughly 75% memorised at present anyway, so it should be a good fall-back one  just in case we need it! (Performance time between 4 – 6 minutes)
~X~

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3 Responses to “The Second (Possible) Entry For February”

  1. Matt January 19, 2013 at 11:56 pm #

    Like it – its a bit like edgar allan poe.
    I think that’s clear enough. If anything, get rid of the boy of three. Does he serve much purpose?

  2. Adam Broome January 24, 2013 at 10:07 pm #

    Hmmm… yes, actually I totally agree. You’re right, that child has absolutely no point in this narrative at all does he haha! Cheers for that, I’ll make an edit. And yes indeed – I wrote this not long after discovering The Raven by Poe 🙂

  3. mouthypoets January 25, 2013 at 3:25 pm #

    Hey Adam,

    I only read your feedback guidance after spending an hour writing up feedback for you. So unfortunately I haven’t really focused on your question and my feedback probably will disrupt your memorising of it. However I think it would be good for you to look at your writing in as much detail as I have asked you to. And really, I actually think the boys identity is ambiguous but I like that, I enjoyed that being left to interpretation and it didn’t jar the sense of conclusion and intensity at the finally of the poem.

    LOVE
    -That you are clearly exploring a number of different techniques here; AABBCCDD rhyme, scheme, 8 line stanzas (very usual and interesting to see in use) and relatively even line length throughout – this is a great way to push yourself to use words and phrasing you wouldn’t usually. For me, this is exciting – seeing that you are willing to use for to contain an idea.
    -Where the form really works with the content is the fairytale style of the word choices and narrative. How were you thinking of interpreting this when it came to performance?
    -“ Round and round her feet swept free”
    -“ In dance floor heat, I saw her hand”
    -“Virgin Snow” sounds so good I feel like it must be a cliché. Maybe you have invented one? This is where using form becomes really exciting – when it drives you to describe things in a way that are original and surprising. It is interesting because it can also do the opposite, but this is where editing becomes exciting – picking the gems and identifying and addressing the weaker lines. (Is it strange how exciting I find this?!!)
    -“ No more the dancing snowdrop girl
    Once when innocence had reigned tall”
    …. perfect use of original fairy-tale language and utilising the rhyme.
    -You really have a strength in narrative. Which is such a good skill to have, it means from first draft you know the story and the characters and so does the reader/audience. This makes your job as editor a lot easier: if you know the characters and the story line, replacing a word/phrase/stanza with a clearer one becomes all about research rather than deciphering what is actually happening (what I usually have to do).
    -“ ravenous dark”
    -I like the repetition of forevermore and nevermore at the end of each section. It works really well, helps keep a pace and gives each section a sense of conclusion alongside an attachment to the piece as a whole.
    -“ She told me how she’d killed her spouse
    Dead and forgotten inside her house” …I like the brothers grimm style of violence here. But I was confused by the sudden use of violence where I had not been prepared for it at all. The brothers Grimm prepare you with darkness in the text, you need more of this I think…I have suggested how in the questions section : )
    –I like the word “thaw” you don’t see it used enough in my opinion.
    -Amazing ending.

    QUESTIONS
    -Is evermore a person? It isn’t clearly a name? Do you want it to be jarring initially? It is particularly confusing because you also use the word forever more? I am dyslexic so I do get confused more than most, but that’s usually why I am a good test for the clarity of a poem to its reader/audience. If it is a person, could you use a more identifiably male name?
    -“ Husband dead on the kitchen floor” – WOW did you want this violence to come out of nowhere? It was very jarring. I like the fact it is abrupt and at the end of a section but I think your preceding language needs to warn me of it. Try looking at your verbs beforehand, maybe if some of them have more of a violent charge, it could prepare me.
    E.g.
    My sweet Rosie taken from me
    In dance floor heat, I saw her hand
    But at the time I did not understand
    ….(could be)….
    My sweet Rosie cut from me
    Her hand, in dance floor burning,
    But at the time I did not understand
    -I know I have slightly altered the rhythm but I hope you see what playing with verbs can do to the foreshadowing of the poem.
    -The introduction of the word fate makes me uncomfortable, it feels like it is trying to cover a lot of ground. Why are you using it?
    -“ Hearing faint echoes of dancing feet” I love the repetition of the image of her as a dancing girl, it maintains a sense of continuity when sometimes the story is moving so fast it could be hard to use that.
    -Lie/alibi – nice rhyme.
    -“ She had no alibi. Nevermore.” I think the double negative of NO alibi and NEVERmore cancels out what you are trying to do here. As it suggests she does have an alibi? I think Evermore makes more sense.
    -I think you have really successfully created a captivating story for all ages here.
    -I like the repetition of language in places, although at other times it feels like the rhyme is just forcing you to use weak words more than once (I have elaborated on this is Suggestions).

    SUGGESTIONS
    -I think at times it is very clear your use of form is driving the content, and as a result if can feel like nothing in really happening or it can be hard to understand or I am so distracted by the rhyming words I stop paying attention to what is happening.
    ….Some sentences where I am not sure what is actually happening;
    “A sweet late rapture in life did see”
    “To shy a hand forevermore”
    “Her ghost only to provoke my shame” (Using the word ghost really threw me off the narrative – when did she die?!)
    “son of three”
    ….Some rhyming words that I think are too weak (try using a thesaurus and rhyming dictionary to find new ones); free/me, see/me, be/me, flee/me, hand/understand x2, be/me, free/be,
    -I think the form also means sometimes your descriptive words are weak. Again, just pop these in a thesaurus and see if you can come up with some stronger words. Here are some I would like you to address; chilled, chill, shouted,
    -Clichés/ unoriginal – please change (again a thesaurus is useful for this)- “My heart then froze,” “To stalk my dreams inside my head,” “To haunt my life forevermore,” “vanished from the world,” “, I cursed her name,” “Until fate sent her back to me,” “Not holding the tear in her eye,” “From true love I would not be free”
    -Weak lines (again I think caused by the rhyming); “She left for life with another man,” “Away back home in tears I ran,” “Pounding thrusts (sounds a little bit to sexual), “Last night her head was upon my chest/ When love had put the ghost to rest,” “stop my nightmares dead”
    …………
    I hope this is helpful! I try really hard to give practical advice. I know its lengthy but this is how I work professionally on my own text and I want to do the same with others. Let me know if you have any questions.
    Debris

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