Among the blind. (Larnelle)

12 Jan

Hi mouthy ( Larnelle ) apologises for lack of appearances that will change very soon :), potential ss4 piece. Feedback would be great, feel free to break it down and tear in.

Among the blind..

My hands
Claws,scrapes
Through your heart
As your tongue
Licks my wounds
Our slow build up and gravity’s pull from me to you draws our pathways on a runaway train
On a derail time,I don’t know
On terrain, I’ve never touch.
Your presence is a cool calypso carnival under plymouth’s evergreen.
Your teeth slice my arteries
And my eyes gaze at your glory.
On an adventure in uncertainty.
On a feeling I’ve never felt.
On a ship washed with waves of doubt.
On a view so quaint.
Our embrace will still hold us fast
And your fingers grasped will seal our bond.

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One Response to “Among the blind. (Larnelle)”

  1. mouthypoets January 24, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

    Hi Larnelle,

    Great to see some writing from you!

    LOVE
    -Very interesting use of line breaks here. May I ask what your thinking is around them; why have you chosen to break lines in this way?
    -“Your presence is a cool calypso carnival under plymouth’s evergreen.”

    QUESTIONS
    -What is this poem about to you?
    -What do you want me to experience as your reader/audience?
    -I wasn’t 100% what this was about, so I think if you give me the answers above it will help me give you feedback that helps you achieve what you want to.

    SUGGESTIONS
    -Clichés (WHY?!?!?!) “Licks my wounds,” “a feeling I’ve never felt,” “Our embrace will still hold us fast” and “And my eyes gaze at your glory.”

    See you tomorrow?

    Debris

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