Potential piece for SST4.

12 Jan

Hey Mouthy – Jim here! I’ve been (as some of you’ll probably know) pretty wiped out/unwell these last weeks and have missed everyone lots. But I’m doing pretty well right now and for sure steadily getting better. 🙂

Here’s a potential piece for SST I finished up a while ago. Interestingly post-Arvon I would have maybe wrote this piece differently, but here it is:

 

A working playlist for Neal (Tracks 1-11)
 

1.You are the most impossible mix tape. You are so much to hear. It is no fault of your own that some forget the importance of listening to a record in its entirety.

2. The reason you stutter when you talk has nothing to do with speech disorder. Your body is merely a song unafraid to skip in the places that feel most pain. Voice box, a flooded auditorium. The weakest of notes accept they will not swim with enough volume to reach the surface but still refuse to stop kicking.

3. This friendship is the sold-out gig I booked every ticket for. I bend into its speakers praying for tinnitus. Your name to echo permanently through my skin.

4. Like me you have learnt romance in the key of Cute Without The E and clenched between the strings of Jesse Lacey’s Gibson Hummingbird. Have whispered “I love you” into more pairs of Panasonic headphones than earlobes of women. Our hearts are reckless stage divers. Bruised by the girls whose misdirected hands could not possibly break our fall.

5. Any Tuesday night at Bar 11 is a pulse of overcrowded adolescence. You, are always the headline act. All 2-for-1 Jagerbomb overspill and Iphone4 shoved to mouth like cordless mic. Underwood’s scrawnier Iggy Pop skanking impulsively to 90’s Nu Metal in barely laced Vans. A sweating preacher of mid twenties gospel gang chorusing post-hardcore Hallelujah’s in union with the most lost and alone of his dancefloor congregation.

6. I am working on articulating my own vulnerable. Forgive the cowardly disc tray of my mouth. For the personalised compilation of hurt it rejects when with you yet swallows smoothly when without.

7. You are the kind to practise clapping urgently for more before a setlist has even reached its encore. Claw away curfew as the crowd disperse taking your momentary sense of belonging with them. Queing by Rock City’s cloackroom I watch you slump against abandoned sound desk, like a crumpled Kerrang! poster for the band that will continually save my life.

8. Jimmy Eat World’s “Hear You Me” pieces the memory of your deceased Grandma back together. I assured you it was the album’s weakest track. I am sorry for missing the point. For not confiding I break down hearing the theme tune to Red Dwarf. That it is a flurry of flashback to my friend Alex’s robotic body-pop-perfected Kryton impersonation before cancer prematurely tampered with the hard-wiring of his life aged 14.

9. On the subject of death. When you called me convinced you were growing bored of music, if felt like you were slowly dying.

10. I guess we always were the outwardly strong kind. A Gangnam Style of gallop dance while Yann Tiersen hunches over the piano keys collapsed into our ribs. Nine-second man hugs for every twelfth boyish Hi-5. Record collections scratched beyond repair from the struggle we were too proud to show anywhere else. They are weeping therapists. Holding our hand promising to speak in the only language we understand.

11. We, are inseparable volume dials cranked ocean. Drenching one other in tidal audio. Together we might mute the entire world you know. At the very least, soften it, to the faintest of background music.

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One Response to “Potential piece for SST4.”

  1. mouthypoets January 24, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

    Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this! Takes me between 3-9 hours to go through and give everyone proper feedback so it takes a while to find the time : )

    Firstly, we all miss you! So it is great to see your words up here and represented alongside everyone else as they should be.

    Now, onto the poem…

    LOVE
    -“Have whispered “I love you” into more pairs of Panasonic headphones than earlobes of women.” I want every sentence in this poem to have the same balance of concision and concrete images.
    -“overcrowded adolescence”
    -“You, are always the headline act”
    -The specificity of the Jaggerbombs, iphone4, bar 11 etc.
    – “Underwood’s scrawnier Iggy Pop skanking impulsively to 90’s Nu Metal in barely laced Vans” I have no idea what most of this is but you have used a good enough sentence structure and enough familar verbs for me to visualise it! I think you could use this same technique more throughout the rest of the poem.
    -“the most lost and alone of his dancefloor congregation”
    -FAVOURITE LINE IN THE WHOLE POEM “Forgive the cowardly disc tray of my mouth.”
    -“When you called me convinced you were growing bored of music, if felt like you were slowly dying.”
    -“the band that will continually save my life.” very very powerful.
    -“I break down hearing the theme tune to Red Dwarf.” Fantastic. Maybe this is my favorite line?
    -I like the ending.

    QUESTIONS
    -There is a lot of telling in this piece? Which is strange because your poems are usually so filled with specificity and detail, why is this?
    -Why have you chosen this album format? I like it in theory but am not sure how the content of each track works with the concept?
    -I don’t understand this sentence? ” I am working on articulating my own vulnerable.”
    -What is this poem about? The story about the 14 year old friend with cancer threw me off hard. Because it suddenly wasn’t about the person who is the album anymore? It had such a different tone to everything else, and suddenly there was another person in teh narrative? When before it had exclusively been the narrator and the person being described?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -I am not sure if it is the prose format but your sentence structures use too much words and I get confused/disengaged in places. E.g.

    2. The reason you stutter when you talk has nothing to do with speech disorder. Your body is merely a song unafraid to skip in the places that feel most pain. Voice box, a flooded auditorium. The weakest of notes accept they will not swim with enough volume to reach the surface but still refuse to stop kicking.

    Could be..

    2. You don’t have a speech disorder.
    You found your stutter somewhere else.
    Your body is a song.
    Your fingers are courageous.
    Your palm opens when notes show pain.
    Voice box a flooded auditorium.

    …Whilst rewriting this I also notices how many over-used descriptive words you are using and how many abstract nouns you are using. I need more concrete stuff to see, touch and smell.

    -Redundancies also kept popping up; “reckless stage divers” (What stage divers are sensible?)

    -Cliché(?!?!); break our fall.

    -Sometimes your syntax gets very jumbled, so I get lost in the sentence. Again the above suggestions could help with this. This is a key example…
    “For the personalised compilation of hurt it rejects when with you yet swallows smoothly when without.”

    I hope this is helpful and you get enough time to be well and read it : )

    Debris x

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