I have no idea what to call it yet but…

13 Jan

She looks at her naff set of crayolas

And rolls her eyes

They can never capture the beauty of his

It would only insult his A stars

In her failed attempt at Renoir

He made her heart leap like a cricket

And the cricket’s sharp feet, pencil ends indent his words in paper

And make her

Gutless

Yet this girl says she’s fearless

She isn’t a liar

This is the other side of the spectrum of emotions

But why are they so similar

_________________________________

Ingrid

I really want to make it longer but I don’t know what else to write. Any feedback is appreciated 🙂

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One Response to “I have no idea what to call it yet but…”

  1. mouthypoets January 24, 2013 at 7:47 pm #

    Hey Ingrid,

    It is great to have you back and thank you for posting your poem up. If you can find a corner of time it is really worth reading and commenting on the other SST4 poems up here. Sometimes reading and commenting on the work of others can help you see how to improve your own!

    Now, to the poem!

    LOVE
    -Your first line! What an innovative use of specificity and description and showing character. It is also really memorable and has great impact. I could see her straight away and it made me laugh. Make sure you give this line the space it needs in performance. It really is worth it! Aww man I wish I had thought of this line!
    -“He made her heart leap like a cricket” Great image, I am a little distracted by the word leap, we all know crickets leap… why not “He turned her heart into a cricket”? This gives it a slightly childish and magical feel and also more depth and originality? And then in the next line you are personifying the heart even further by describing its feet and stationary (I love this line too by the way).

    QUESTIONS
    -Why do you want to make it longer?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -“rolls her eyes” is an unoriginal description of this action, is there a more original word or way of describing this? E.g. her eyes tumbled, twirls her eyes, sighs through her eyelids… it could be as simple as putting the word roll into a thesaurus and finding a better one?
    -I also think “beauty” is a weak word, why not try putting that in a thesaurus to and see if you can come up with a more original description word?
    -I think the ending feels rushed from here…
    And make her

    “Gutless

    Yet this girl says she’s fearless

    She isn’t a liar

    This is the other side of the spectrum of emotions

    But why are they so similar”

    ….It is all very abstract in comparison to the conrete images of the beggining.
    -What is actually supposed to be happening here?
    -Try showing me instead of telling me;
    -How was she gutless? Did her body split like a pencil case? Did the classroom laugh at her? Did she get a detention?
    -How was she fearless? Did she concur the impossible monkey bars? Did she drink a letre of water before swimming practice?
    …You have so many options!
    -Keep the meaning but but replace each line with a version that shows that meaning, rather than telling it.

    I hope this is helpful? Let me know if anything doesn’t make sense!

    Debris

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