Cafe. (Edited again) SS4 POEM! Feedback welcome!

18 Jan

The last

bead

of grease from

the cafe

drips

from his

skin

caresses 

my torso and

slips down to soak into

cotton.

The ring of tills,

the scrape of change,

gone.

Vaporised salt 

lingers

over my taste buds

as i catch my

breath.

 

Wet eyelashes 

flicker

on his nose

as i lift my head to

kiss

his cheek.

Hours before are just

a memory.

Through every

thing

prior,

every word, 

furrowed brow,

every sigh,

we were 

lovers.

We were 

lovers 

all 

along.

– Georgina Wilding

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One Response to “Cafe. (Edited again) SS4 POEM! Feedback welcome!”

  1. mouthypoets January 24, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

    Hi George,

    Nice to see your on the editing trail! How are you finding it?

    LOVE / QUESTIONS / SUGGESTIONS
    -Lovely to see you experimenting with the layout on the page. Are you thinking about how this layout could be reflected in performance? I actually think the form is jarring initially, but really comes into its own here…
    “The ring of tills,

    the scrape of change,

    gone.”
    Because here the line breaks start following the action. How would you feel about doing that more earlier on? E.g. starting with…

    “The last bead of grease drips

    from his skin
    caresses my torso and
    slips down to soak
    into
    cotton”

    -You are building such a simple, familiar, yet personal image here. Why have you slammed a cliché in the middle of it??? “as i catch my breath.” ????

    -I love the rhythm and contrast you have building up between the two main characters towards the end.
    -I can feel the eyelash image, a fantastic way to describe someone crying. Perfect in fact. LOVELOVELOVE that.
    -In the ending line, why don’t you just repeat we were lovers again? Instead of saying all along? I feel like this has the same effect but with a more original feel? All along gives a sense that you are trying to hard to give the poem an end, rather than giving the reader/audience and image and letting them think about it and work it out.

    I am really enjoying watching your writing grow George. And I am very impressed.

    Well done.
    Debris

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