Devoured by Honey Williams (Written for SST4)

19 Jan

[Intro: Sung with backing singers]

Deliciously you loved me too
Decadently I pour all over you all my love, all my love
Devoured, Devoured, Devoured, Devoured

[Main body of the poem: Spoken with backing vocals subtly singing in the background]

Starts incrementally, a biscuit crumb bites worth of doubt
But the peachy prequel to this predicament is…
Mr side of organic, artisan, fu-fu + kenke, yam + banana, madras, chilli hotness
Music + art loving, spiritual, well travelled, community minded, balsamically kind
Pungently strong soul sautéed with honey flavoured hope served with dark chocolate promise eyes

How did he turn this giant gumbo pot of rich and beautifully fresh ingredients into a sticky bun?
I start off nibbling with pinky fingers out, ever so nicey nicey, first daterely, just rightly
Ending up frantically stuffing my gob!
His bunny is only ever so slightly simmering
I vomit broken hearts and each one of those hearts had stomach ache
Caused by the lattice of pain constructed by your neglect
I taste eye water it cannot quench my thirst
Polite texts are inedible
[Unfinished]
Feedback appreciated x

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One Response to “Devoured by Honey Williams (Written for SST4)”

  1. mouthypoets January 24, 2013 at 6:42 pm #

    Hi Honey,

    I really appreciate you putting this up and acknowledging the challenges you overcame in doing so!

    LOVE
    -Your clear sense of voice in the way you write. I think a lot of this comes from your use of sexy language to describe often hard hitting subjects.
    -“balsamically kind”
    -The amazing moments of specificity; Gumbo Pot and sticky bun really made me smile.
    -“I start off nibbling with pinky fingers out,”
    -“His bunny is only ever so slightly simmering” : FANTASTIC comic innovation of a clichee. Playing on the familiar but keep it original, I love it!
    -The last 4 lines are EPIC, I love the way you bring all the food imagery, which concludes the language patters as well as the narrative. Fantastic work. But please please please cut ” it cannot quench my thirst” … the rest of the writing is so original and edible, don’t poison it with a cliché!

    QUESTIONS
    -You often use lists of words or lots of words rather than finding one word to describe something? Why is this? Have you ever experimented with using less? Sometimes, when you use too many words, it might sound lovely, but it makes some words redundant. E.g. You don’t need the word Starts in the first line of the poem, because by making the first word Incrementally it is inferred that this is how things start? Here are some other examples…

    E.g…

    Starts incrementally, a biscuit crumb bites worth of doubt
    might be…
    Incrementally, a biscuit crumb of doubt

    or

    Pungently strong soul sautéed with honey flavoured hope served with dark chocolate promise eyes
    might be…
    A soul pungent with honey.
    The dark chocolate smell of hope.
    A promise.

    Don’t get me wrong, particularly when you use uniquely specific things which define strong language, your lists are hard to beat. E.g…

    Mr side of organic, artisan, fu-fu + kenke, yam + banana, madras, chilli hotness
    Music + art loving, spiritual, well travelled, community minded, balsamically kind

    That is pure Honey Williams Excellence. But when it is less specific, I think less words might be more powerful. Playing around with line breaks might also help with this. Why not try giving yourself a restriction; E.g. this poem can only have stanza’s of 3 lines?

    Thanks again,
    I hope this was helpful!
    Debs x

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