Love Laced In Devolution

19 Jan

(Would love some feedback 🙂 I’m aware its to long and I might need to make it shorter? Don’t know what to cut out? change? make clearer? Thanks!)

Pulling passion out of the kinks in your hair
Running whispers through the ringlets of your flair
Rubbing fingers to sooth the distance just itching wishing you were near..
See your shampoo has my heart conditioned
Cause the neck line kisses you’d position below my ear recognizes your love in an instant when your fragrance fills the air.

So Images of us and kids still swing from any follicle draped in herbal essences
I’m here trying to tie back every strand of time with the pig tails of where your presence twists Overlapping my last eye lash wish with your stubborn ingrown selfishness
Combing through this blistred pit to straighten out reasoning for this tangled mix
I assumed at the end of these splitted tips was going to be or not to be where the answer is
But all I found Was a knot in the middle of our plated, pampered and jagged differences.

If only these stitches could pull the skin of my faith together with layers of you breathing and staying awake
It might tuck knuckles through the belt buckle of this regretful waist and force the air right out of this suffocating mistake.
And there I’d give praise to oxogen for exiting and worship your respiratory system for lifting that smile back to ur face
So believe me this stillness is strange
Because even in rage, a smirk would escape
So it defeats me, how are you keeping it straight?
I know they say perfection is made by practice but now’s not the time to be playing actress.
But I’ll join in and just prey your acting.

I never know my lines n’ I know your just pretending you’ve forgotten yours
So I’m starring back at my faults in the reflection of these clinical floors
I know life hasn’t always been this clean n straight forwards
Your the one that embraced me into the woollen warmth of your nest with no cautions, tucked me under ur hem
I shouldve saw then that you could just tie any heart to ur thread but I was freayed and seemless
At the bottom where I spun cotton over all of my problems
Then I wove them good bye cause you swore on my life you would be my cushions
Now magets grow from them like food gone rotten
But resentment can only bread on the fabric that love once had a spot on..

So make your bed carefully
Cause it started out us with laced pillows fighting cheerfully
Me braiding you’re hair, scarily Whispering forevers sparingly
We would bust joke n’ barely sleep You know six pack cackling and could barely breath.. And then you couldn’t

And right there, the claws of my distress tore open my flesh gutting the breakfast from my intestines seeing you rested in that hospital bed..
And with the surgical tape of my fright I’m stil dying to sick back the pieces of my puzzled memory to collect every sensory of what you had and had not been telling me in the months that lead to this night.. See I thought we were tight..

Then u let go of the ribbons you say kept imprisoned in a box full of present conditions
With berievement in your chest and all the distress trappeed between four corners of phlem
That coughing I now recollect could sugest that you were choaking and left to let the absence of ur dad decongest

I know u always wanted to join him in heaven see so they it happened inherently
But grace u were suposed to grow grey here with me.

Now the question that spirals around this lasoo..
If there was so much life left inside of the loop, why did you Close it?
We were set for star lights, the ones reflected by oceans
So I sunk to the depts of soul-less with every tablet that made its decent and progressed down the banks of your neck n’ swept you over the edge of that bottomless dosage…

Now its just me floating through seas with this locket of your Curley hair that waves at me gently buried deep in these reeves
Where Undercurrents turn these laced pillows in replace of your checks.

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6 Responses to “Love Laced In Devolution”

  1. Matt January 19, 2013 at 11:44 pm #

    love it. love the title, the rhythm, the building story . . . really nice.
    I’m not sure it is too long. What I’m gonna do is read this again in the morning more critically and try and make some specific suggestions, cos I think really it probably just needs a bit of tidying. But on first reading, it was raw and honest and cosy and horrible and vivid all at once. And very very good.
    Til the morning then . . .

    • mouthypoets January 20, 2013 at 4:40 pm #

      ah thanks matt for ur kind feedback!! 🙂

  2. Matt January 21, 2013 at 4:45 pm #

    OK, I’m back, I read it again and I still really like it, it’s a real performance piece.
    Particular favourite bits. . .
    – the majority of the second stanza
    -Now magets grow from them like food gone rotten
    But resentment can only bread on the fabric that love once had a spot on..
    -six pack cackling
    -And then you couldn’t (like the bluntness of this to end rapid action abruptly. amidst the metaphor its the first time we see what’s going on and its timed well)
    -gutting the breakfast from my intestines (love it!)
    -let the absence of ur dad decongest
    -Where Undercurrents turn these laced pillows in replace of your checks

    and. . .bits i wasn’t sure of . . .

    -Running whispers through the ringlets of your flair – i think this has the potential the be a great line but bottles it at the end and stumps for the rhyme – ringlets of your flair sounds nice but is cheapened by the rhyme with the first line

    -So Images of us and kids still swing from any follicle draped in herbal essences – really like this line apart from the ‘draped in herbal esscences’ bit. I know specificity is good but it feels forced and unnecessary here

    -your stubborn ingrown selfishness – nice but i’d just pick one of the two adjectives. ‘ingrown’ is my favourite

    -I know u always wanted to join him in heaven see so they it happened inherently
    But grace u were suposed to grow grey here with me. – i don’t get ‘it happened inherently’ and growing grey with me is a bit cliched

    They’re the bits I’d tidy but on the whole, really like it. Who is this by the way?

  3. mouthypoets January 24, 2013 at 6:20 pm #

    Hi Raph,

    Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this. It takes me a good 3-9hours to give proper feedback to every piece that goes up here so sometimes it takes me a bit longer than I would like to find that time! Hopefully I am not too late and their is still room for editing. Looks like you have already been getting some great feedback!

    The way you write reminds me of you. In early drafts it feels like your hand is running away with rhythm, imagery and emotion and it sounds lovely. This means when it comes to redrafting it is about standing back from the text and saying, what does this mean? And then refining it around whatever meaning you decide. I might be wrong! This is the way I work, but either way hopfully my feedback below will be helpful…

    LOVE
    -How much I can tell you are engaged with the flow and music of your language. It shows a really natural ability that makes me excited about your work.
    -“kids still swing from any follicle draped in herbal essences” a very sophisticated use of metaphor which is really great to see. You are also proving to me you know how to use Specificity, you have said Herbal Essences rather than hair product… every person uses a different hair product, by saying which you are experiencing it builds up a picture of the characters without directly tell your audience/reader. I would love to see you doing this more throughout the poem!
    -“all I found Was a knot in the middle”
    -“It might tuck knuckles through the belt buckle”
    -“tucked me under ur hem”
    -I like the cyclicle style you have used, taking it back to the hair at the end, this gives your audience/reader a great sense of satisfaction and conclusion.
    -“With berievement in your chest”
    -Amazing use of lace in the last line
    -At the end the narrative semi-comes together in a interesting and exciting way, but I am not 100% sure you know what is going on in each section actionwise. What is actually happening in each section? Could you write a sentence explaining each of them? Give this ago. If you know what is happening you can make it as clear as possible to the reader and also cut out anything that is repeated or unclear.

    QUESTIONS
    -Why have you written this poem? How do you want it to make your audience feel? Very often I feel like you are choosing words just because they create rhythm or rhyme or alliteration: but there is no pattern in these techniques. You should be using these techniques to hold up the heart of the poem, these things should clarify the meaning/purpose and not detract from it. It is great to see you have an amazing ability with poetic techniques, but now I would love to see you use them with intent!

    SUGGESTIONS
    -How much do you know about redundancies? I think if you cleaned up your redundancies this poem would be a lot cleaner and shorter. If you take the time do do the exercises here, I think it would help you a lot. https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/

    -To elaborate on the redundancy note, very often you use lots of words and punctuations, when if you used line breaks and a thesaurus you would be able to use less. To give you an example I have rewritten your first stanza…

    I untangle passion from your hair
    Rub the Almond Oil from my fingers
    Sooth the itching distance of my hands
    and your scalp. I see your shampoo
    and a line of kisses

    position below my ear.
    Coco Butter and Baby Powder
    dusts from your skin.

    -Notice I have also removed most of the ing words, these are usually weaker forms of a word, use an alternative where possible.
    -I have also added SPECIFICITY. Rather than saying your fragrance, we have Coco Butter, Baby Powder and Almond oil. Everyone has a smell, everyone brushes their hair, you need to give me enough specific details to make this poem smellable, touchable and applicable to only this situation.
    -I also deleted the second line because to be it didn’t make sense. This happens quiet a lot because I can tell you writing for the music, rather than the content. As a result, your writing sounds beautiful and that is a great skill but it needs to be balances with content. Some examples of other lines that don’t make sense…
    ” That coughing I now recollect could sugest that you were choaking and left to let the absence of ur dad decongest”
    “Rubbing fingers to sooth the distance just itching wishing you were near..”
    “If only these stitches could pull the skin of my faith together with layers of you breathing and staying awake”
    ….There are more but I just wanted to give you an example. I think it is because you try and stick loads of images together and jump from one to another without explaining what the poem is actually about and what is happening in it?

    SO, I have some challenges for you.
    1. All stanza’s in this poem need to have 5 lines and the lines need to be roughly the same length.
    2. Write the narrative of this poem (what is actually happening) in 5 bullet points.
    3. Look at each section of this poem and make sure it reflects said 5 bullet points.
    4. Go through each line, and each word and ask yourself – is this what I am trying to say? What does this mean? Could I use less words and say this in a more powerful way?

    I can tell you have a passion for writing and an innate ability for poetry.
    I cannot wait to see your development as a writer, performer and professional.

    Amazing first poem from you.
    Deborah

    • raphaelblake January 24, 2013 at 7:30 pm #

      Some really amazing feedback guys.. words dont describe how much I appreiate the time you have taken out to think about this feed back and put it up here for me. Taking it all on board and I know it will help make this poem the best it can be! Love. Raph x

      • mouthypoets January 27, 2013 at 10:33 am #

        You are welcome! Let me know how the editing process is going?

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