DESTROYED – Feedback needed

24 Jan

I need help in how to perform this with out sounding depressing as always please help

DESTROYED


Calm, soundless, warm, at peace 
Like the rising sun
Laying wide awake 
In the embracing arms of this feeling
If heaven had feeling 
This should come close to it
But just like your favourite song 
It does not last as long 

So when it comes to it
It’s just you against the world 
Alone, no one can understand
Or feel what you feel 
His not coming back they say 
No deal with it 

That’s when it kicks in 
Five hours later in your arm he lays

Heart stops body freezes as it spins 
Fast build up its courage the same courage
Used to destroy dreams
Just like the model that we all envy 
Beautiful a representation 
Of a monster we never fear it until it 
Shows its dangerous side 
It takes our live and dreams 
It turns it into the dust of the Sahara

He looks like he had a swim in the Sahara
Dust in his mouth, nose, hair,
Even all over the band new jacket 
I had bought him 
Just dust
Still I ask myself why I was there too
He must had gone to deep or not deep enough

If had known that this was how 
It was going to end then 
I would have held on to your words
Not letting them evaporate
Like the dust that took to away
You were my favourite song

Calm, soundless, warm, at peace 
Like the rising sun
Laying wide awake 
In the embracing arms of this feeling
If heaven had feeling 
This should come close to it
He died in my arms….

 

By Warda

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3 Responses to “DESTROYED – Feedback needed”

  1. mouthypoets January 24, 2013 at 5:40 pm #

    Hi Warda…

    -Why have you changed your poem from last week and previous editing? I am curious?

    And am I right in thinking you want no writing feedback on this piece, just performance? Why is that?

    Debris x

  2. warda January 24, 2013 at 10:26 pm #

    Yeah I do want feed back on both writing an performance

    I was not feeling it but I will keep working on it

    • mouthypoets January 27, 2013 at 10:29 am #

      Cool. I will get some feedback to you by the end of today. In the meantime, work on the feedback I already gave you on your other piece. I really liked it and would love to see you develop if further. You won’t develop if you just write a new piece every time I give you feedback!

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