Juxtaposition (for short)

24 Jan

Title?

The juxtaposition between me and him seems strange to some and screams perfection to others…

I am with my rightful owner,

as is he.

We both kiss and I don’t feel (insert cliché, fireworks/butterflies/sparks fly?)

Instead, I feel my body tingling

and my lips craving for more.

As he pulls me closer,

my arms naturally hook around his shoulders.

I’ve been with him for 17 months,

and every time I look at him,

I see the same blue shade as before, bright and beautiful,

as does mine.

We stay at his,

at least once a week,

cuddling, giggling, lying on the bed,

or even baking brownies.

And during this time, we have no other care in this world,

Because this moment is ours,

It’s ours…

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One Response to “Juxtaposition (for short)”

  1. mouthypoets January 29, 2013 at 5:29 pm #

    Hi Jess,

    Thank you for posting this up. I really appreciate you taking the time to do so when your life is currently filled with exams!
    In essence this poem is fully fleshed so please do not add dramatically, take my feedback below as guidance to manipulate what you already have; move lines around, change line breaks, swap words. Don’t be too heavy handed, this is a really delicate poem and we don’t want to lose that. You can get to this feedback whenever you want, I know your exams are the most important thing right now.

    LOVE
    -I think you have a great narrative structure here, which is exactly what you want from a first draft!
    -There is a build in pace and character development through the specificity of the images; lying on the bed, baking brownies and the natural hooking of your arms. I really enjoy how visual these elements are.
    -I also like the movement of this poem, how there are constantly actions showing me what his happening and moving the poem forward but also eluding to undertones and deeper meanings to be images given to the reader/audience.

    QUESTIONS
    -Why have you created this title? What purpose do you feel it serves?
    -What do you want this poem to achieve? How do you want this poem to make you feel? How do you want this poem to make the audience feel? The answer to these questions will help with refining the poem, especially in relation to my suggestions below…
    -What do you want the ending to achieve?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -I think you could play with the Verbs in this poem. Verbs are the doing words that push the action in a poem. They can make the poem move and develop aggressively, calmly, beautifully, contrastingly etc. etc. Try putting each of your verbs in a thesaurus, play around with them and see if you can innovate your images with them and strengthen the movement of the poem. Here is an example of me playing with the beginning…
    I lye beside my rightful owner,
    as is he.
    We kiss and I don’t crackle colourfully,
    Instead, I feel my throat warming
    and my saliva swelling for more.
    -The Verbs I would like you to address are; kiss, feel, craving, pull, closer, look, see, cuddling, giggling, lying.
    -Above, I have also added specificity. Instead of body its throat, instead of lips, it’s saliva. Keep asking yourself, how can I make each line more specific?

    -Could you try putting this poem into three line stanzas and keep the lines a similar length? I think this will push you to think about making the images tighter and utilising the page to emphasise your message.

    Good luck
    Debris

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