Sleepless

24 Jan

A re-draft . . .

Sleepless

Shut down, start up,
empty bladder, full cup,
scrutiny thick, mattress thin,
slumped torso, restless shin,
fling fingers, Tuesday smolders,
frothing toes and gurning shoulders,
stairwell spirit waits its turn,

softly prey the small concerns,

smallprint, smallprint, iris burns,
think of daisies, think of urns,
mattress heavy, spine light,
switch back on and wait for sight.

 

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4 Responses to “Sleepless”

  1. mouthypoets January 24, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

    ignore the line break, its unintentional, just seemed to format it that way . . .

  2. mouthypoets January 24, 2013 at 5:38 pm #

    I think your editing on this one is good. Well done. So much so I have little to say…

    LOVE
    -“scrutiny thick, mattress thin,”
    -Overall innovation of verbs!

    QUESTION
    -“slumped torso” is jarring because of the past tense, I also think because all the other descriptions are so strong, it stands out as being weaker. Slumped is an easy way to described this action in this context. I think you could find a more original verb?
    -Also not sure of the rhyme; light and sight. It feels like you only chose the words because you wanted them to rhyme rather than having a wider purpose?

    You should submit this to some journals/ competitions. I really like it.

    Debris.

    • mouthypoets January 25, 2013 at 12:59 am #

      I’m glad you like it so much, it have originally been so spur of the moment/ off the cuff/ some other cliche. I was gonna put it in for the Student Anthology submissions . . .

  3. mouthypoets January 25, 2013 at 1:29 am #

    Shut down, start up,
    empty bladder, full cup,
    scrutiny thick, mattress thin,
    crumple slack with restless shin,
    fling fingers, Tuesday smolders,
    frothing toes and gurning shoulders,
    stairwell spirit waits its turn,
    softly prey the small concerns,
    smallprint, smallprint, iris burns,
    think of daisies, think of urns,
    mattress heavy, spine extended,
    tattered, spent skint, twisted, mended,
    stretch out sideways to the light
    switch back on and wait for sight.

    how bout that?

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