‘You said’ I’m not sure yet!!!

27 Jan

You said you call me, you said you will let me know where you are, you said you won’t let me worry,

I had no signal and right now I have no more excuses

Next time, no there would be no next time

Next time I will call you like your my angel, I will tell you everything like your my lawyer I will not let you worry even if it take my life away, no there would be no next time, next time you will be my angel, you will be my lawyer , next time you will be with me. Silent took her words she looked up with thunder storm in his eyes. She said I was scared, all I wanted was to hear your voice; she said she’ll miss me.

She said when I was born, she was 2 years old

A 2 year old that loved her sister like a mother raising her child

She said I was her favourite Barbie doll with pink all over

She said she loved me because she loved life

She laughed at me because she loved me

She forced me because she wanted to protect me

She said no because she wanted me to be happy

I said I see you but I’m too shy to look you in the eye

Too scared to talk to you because I can’t look you the same way as I used too

I said you’ve been there for me like the days mum used to take us to the dentist

You always went first to make me less nervous

You called me Anna because you couldn’t say Pegah properly

You still call me Anna like the days I was 2 years old and you were 4,

But I’m 17 years old and your 19 now

I said this is a reminder from me, the 2 year old that you loved me to bits

A reminder to say I’m still Anna not Pegah

I’m still the little baby you didn’t let anyone to touch

I’m still here, waiting

I said next time I want you by my said. She said…. there wouldn’t be a next time. A tear dropped on my hand with a lump in my throat I opened my mouth and I said….. Thank you…

 

please comment for improvements thanks you pegah.

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One Response to “‘You said’ I’m not sure yet!!!”

  1. mouthypoets February 7, 2013 at 11:34 pm #

    Hey Pegah,

    Firstly, I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get to this. Illness has left me putting all my energy into my day to day teaching/performance work. But I am here and hopefully this feedback is of some use before the show next week! If not, then hopefully the feedback will transfer to other pieces in the future.

    Overall it was really interesting looking at this because it feels like you are producing really exciting and healthy early drafts – all the content is there, in fact you repeat a lot of it. So it is just about cutting out the unnecessary elements of repetition and highlighting the strong and skillfull elements of the poem, and there are lots of them.

    A great piece of work, thank you so much for putting it up here!

    LOVE
    -I have to say when I heard you read this last week, I was really impressed. It is a very delicately written piece and as a result I think touched everyone in the room. Well done.
    -I like the use of repetition in the piece.
    -I also like the use of topical and specific references which adds detail to the characters and setting, e.g. “I had no signal.”
    -Amazing metaphor: “looked up with thunder storm in his eyes.”
    -Nice specificity throughout; 2 years old, “She said I was her favourite Barbie doll with pink all over,” “But I’m 17 years old and your 19 now.”
    -I really like the ambiguity of this line in contrast with the specificity around it, it gives it weight and highlights it as being an area for interpretation on the audiences behalf -> “She forced me because she wanted to protect me”
    -I think the thing about calling you Anna instead of Pegah is innocently beautiful

    QUESTIONS
    -Have you thought about using form on this? I think that considering line breaks in this poem could help you be more concise and also help you think more about performance running up to the show next week. Why not try 4 line stanza’s, with all lines roughly the same length? I have converted some of your poem so you can see what i mean, obviously if you decide to do the same you can put the line breaks where you see fit!

    You said, you called
    you said, I knew where
    you were. You said,
    you won’t let me worry,

    I had no signal.
    I have no excuses.
    Next time I will call
    like your my angel,

    …How would you feel about doing this throughout the poem?

    -Whilst making this edit I notices a few other small things…
    -You tenses keep changing, make sure the whole things is in the tense you want it to be in. Read it aloud to make sure it sounds right. I have put it all into past tense above as I thought that is what you wanted?
    -Sometimes you use more words than you need to. E.g. “And right now” doesn’t even need to be said if you have “I will” or “I am”. Try doing the redundancy exercise here to sharpen your ability to be concise https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/
    -I think using more punctuation and the form above will help you be more concise too! Look at what I have done above and try and employ some of those techniques?

    -Cliche; “Next time, no there would be no next time” … Why are you saying this? What does it mean? What do you mean? This is your opportunity to express yourself in a way that only Pegah can. These words could be used for lots of things! Could you cut them altogether or find a better way to uniquely express what you are trying to say?

    -At the beggining of the poem the characters are “You” and “I”, I am not sure who “She” is? But I do love the change in pace and direction, could you make who she is clearer? Give her a name maybe?

    -I love the build up to the line “I’m still here, waiting” so much, could you finish the poem there and cut out the last section? I just think you have already said it all with your specificity and beautiful imagery… maybe try it and see how you feel?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -Cliches I spotten; “a mother raising her child,” – I actually think with this one, the barbie doll line after it is so strong, you could cut the cliche altogether? same goes for “She said she loved me because she loved life”… the next line is way stronger, why not cut the cliche and keep the line about her laughing at you? You do it a couple more times too. So I think that section would read…

    She said, when I was born, she was 2 years old

    I was her favourite Barbie doll with pink all over.

    She laughed at me because she loved me.

    She forced me because she wanted to protect me

    I said, I see you, but I’m too shy.

    I said, you’ve been the days

    mum used to take us to the dentist.

    You went first to make me less nervous.
    ….

    -And lastly…Cut “that you loved me to bits”

    I hope this has been helpful, do let me know if not! I wana do my best to support you as a writer!

    Debris

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