Indelicate Imbalance

28 Jan

The loom that weaves the thread

Begins to seesaw

As the equilibrium tips

From Juliet to Belle De Jour

The lace that once dressed

The lady in white

Is now draping the breasts

Of the lady of the night

 

She used to kiss me on my cheek

Touch my hand as we danced

Until the sun rose

Peaking its head for a glance

Now she shows off her lace

With her prostitute stance

This is what I’ll call

An indelicate imbalance

 

She used to save it all for me

The feel of her body and her kisses

Now she wears a string of lace

And she calls them knickers

Stripping down to her bra

As the candlelight flickers

For anyone who asks

So long as they supply the liquor

 

She told me there’s a difference

Between being admired

And selling your body

For sexual desire

But the difference doesn’t rest

On whether they pay

And the string that ties her lies

Is beginning to fray

 

You see, we weaved our worlds together

And watched them entwine

With no roads to follow

We trusted our heartlines

Now she dances alone

As I try to define

This indelicate imbalance

And the corruption of her mind.

 

Hayley Green (SST4 First draft)

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One Response to “Indelicate Imbalance”

  1. mouthypoets February 8, 2013 at 9:09 am #

    Hey Hayley!

    Firstly, I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get to this. Illness has left me putting all my energy into my day to day teaching/performance work. But I am here and hopefully this feedback is of some use before the show next week! If not, then hopefully the feedback will transfer to other pieces in the future.

    LOVE
    -I really enjoy your use of rhythm and rhyme, it feels very natural and flows very smoothly. You can tell that as a poet you follow your inner music and as a result your pieces are always enjoyable from an audience perspective.
    -Your word choices are really enjoyable to the ear, they are also innovative and juxtaposed in an original way that keeps your audience/reader intrigued. I particularly like; seesaw and tips.
    -Really like that you incorporated a loom rather than going straight in for lace.
    -I like the personification of the sun, “Peaking its head for a glance”
    -I like the simplicity of this image in contrast to the complexly of the others, “Touch my hand as we danced.”
    -I like the suggestiveness of a lot of the lines.

    QUESTIONS
    -What does the title mean for you? I think it is intriguing and sounds nice but I am not entirely sure of its purpose?
    -Do you mind that I don’t know what/who Belle De Jour is?
    -I am not sure about “Lady in White” and “Lady of the Night”, to me these are both cliches and in the rest of this poem I can see how capable of writing original descriptions, why have you fallen back on something unoriginal here? Try putting each word in a thesaurus to see if you can come up with something equally as familiar sounding but with a more original turn of phrase. I begun doing this and came up with…”Milky eyed girl” and “Lady of dusk”. I am sure you will create something better but I thought examples might help!
    -This is a super page orientated thing, but it is worth thinking about, why do you start each line with a capital letter? Everything you do should have a purpose/consideration. I ask mainly because I know I used to do it just because I thought that is what poets did. But actually you are the poet! So everything is your decision. If it has a purpose in this case, awesome, but I just wanted to bring it to your attention!

    -I am a bit worried about the 12a nature of these lines

    “And she calls them knickers

    Stripping down to her bra”

    …could you maybe work on making them less explicit and more suggestive?

    -I like that you take it from the personal to the universal, from two bodies touching to “She told me there’s a difference// Between being admired// And selling your body” which could be quiet a political disussion.

    -I like the cyclical use of of weave, it gives the poem a sense of resolution.

    -Likewise with the repetition of dancing, but this time alone. I think it shows a sense of development of the relationship which gives the poem lasting impact.

    -I don’t understand this line “We trusted our heartlines” ? Be careful with the word heart anyway, it is overused so if you do use it, you want it to be as original and poignant as possible!

    SUGGESTIONS
    -Sometimes you use more words than you need to for the sake of sustaining the rhythm. Have you tried doing the redundancy exercise here – https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/ … I think it might help you be more concise at times. To give you some more specific examples…

    “The loom that weaves the thread” –> “The loom weaves the thread”
    “The lace that once dressed” –> “The lace once dressed”
    “As the equilibrium tips” –> “The equilibrium tips”

    …The word that and as add nothing! I think it might be interesting if you experimented with using more punctuation and formalised stanzas in this piece to push yourself to be more concise? E.g.

    The loom weaves thread,

    begins to seesaw.

    The equilibrium tips

    from Juliet to Belle De Jour.

    The lace once dressed

    a lady in white.

    Now draping the breasts

    Of a lady of the night.

    …Really simple changes but I think it makes a big difference to the clarity and impact of what you are saying, do you think you could have a play with this?

    -“With her prostitute stance”, I think this line is too easy. Could you SHOW me what you mean rather than tell me? Explain how she is standing, look at sourcing a verb that is powerful and maybe play above it… e.g. “Now she boasts her thigh-high lace”

    -Verbs. Are you thinking about them? I think sometimes they could be working harder, as I pointed out above. Verbs drive the action in a poem, and they have the tone you want them to have. Use a thesaurus to make sure they are as strong as possible. Some that I would really like you to push further are; “feel,” “try,” “define,” “follow,” “fray,” “selling,” and “difference.”

    I hope this is helpful! I know this is the first time I have given you editing feedback so pleaser do let me know if any of my methods don’t work for you 🙂 See you tonight!

    Debris

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