No title yet- hope I post it in the right place too!

29 Jan

I feel this needs a bit of an explanation but I will put it at the end (and it’s also quite long!) . . .

“Groove is in the heart” she whispers to the empty room.

Her wrists pull her arms high into the air

Pumping down towards her chest, fingers point

To the DJ, to mates, to the floor

Suddenly she is back in her favourite

Club of her teenage years.  ‘Legends of the Dark Black’

Perhaps the only 90’s style rave

That had danced on through its eras day.

Original nuttahs, the friends raved in a room to

Drum and bass, until the weekend came

And they stood on the right hand speaker stage

Glow sticks, energised throughout the night with vertical wrists.

 

Suddenly her knee begins to drop low

She’s back in the quiet room alone.

Reminiscent knees slow wind to the sound

Awakening within her tibia joint

Her other knuckles know that King Tubby

Is Dub you can feel. She slips into liquid

Movement and melts back to the morning

Where toots and tals poured through the open window

And Into the spring garden. “Stick it up mister!”

On page 20 something lay her first

Paid published article.  What did I say?

She called to the boss who struck her off.

 Pressure dropped from her shoulders and knees gave way

To this sight. “I’ll never let you bring me down”.

 

Nodding her head, silent pride, she finds her self

Now sitting on the wooden floor once more in her

Quiet space. Her neck slowly swoops to the side,

Back, and round to stare at the task ahead.

“This time..” she uttered, “I’ll be Bulletproof”.

A huge spider hung from the ceiling.

Her love for bees not creepy crawlies

Twanged at guilt. Normally she closed her eyes

And chucked a book –  a definite kill.

But today is the day the spider gets away.

Broom in hand she offered its legs

a place to stand, then ran and shook

the broom handle over the neighbours fence.

“Been there, done that, messed around”, she shook

herself until she became a shape on the floor.

 

Loose wood from the boards grip to her skin

Kindling a revolutionary love

For the rough and smooth groove of the heart.

She reaches forward, stretching out the

sound clash and plants her feet into the ground.

Her feet take her to the stair way,

Where one day, after tidying files, washing up

She pounced from the stairs into a move,

The kind of move that if Addis was looking

Through the looking glass, he’d raise his eyebrow

And smirk at her foolish outburst of being.

But the sweet deep diversity of Azmari

Rumbles through the veins in her feet…..

 

I’m not sure how to finish it. But have no idea if this will have made sense to anyone. My idea was to show a girl in a room on her own (to create a stillness) and basically, I was trying to show that parts of her body were linked to different music genres (the wrists to dnb, knees to reggae, neck to pop, feet to african…) and when focusing on a body part and genre, and a memory associated with it. My objective with this poem is to make people feel energised/positive…though not sure if it has done that either!! Any feedback would be really appreciated x

 

 

Advertisements

One Response to “No title yet- hope I post it in the right place too!”

  1. mouthypoets February 8, 2013 at 9:51 am #

    Hello Lila (I think)?

    I am so glad you read this our last week, good on you for just getting up and doing it and generally getting so stuck in with Mouthy so quickly. I really am very impressed!

    This poem definitely made me feel energised and positive! So good work on that, I am not sure about the conceptual idea of limbs and music genres, I think it is a great starting point which has created great poetry. But I wonder what might happen if you focused on the narrative of the poem in relation to the girl instead? The limbs and the music will still be there but there will also be a stronger thread of people and stories for your reader to follow. Try writing the narrative of this poem into 5 bullet points, I think it might help you refine the poem a little? I have also put way more detailed feedback below 🙂

    LOVE
    -The use of speech, I think that is a brave thing to do but you have done it well. I also think this will be interesting when it comes to interpreting it in performance?
    -I really like the clear, simple action here…
    “Pumping down towards her chest, fingers point

    To the DJ, to mates, to the floor”

    -I love the movement of the narrative and the fun of it. I, as the reader, felt like I was having a good time and that is difficult to achieve!

    -Nice specificity; ‘Legends of Dark Black,’ “glow sticks,” “tibia joint,”

    -“Reminiscent knees slow wind to the sound” love this line, it sounds lovely, I can see and feel it and I remember it really standing out to me when you read it last week!

    -“Her other knuckles know that King Tubby

    Is Dub you can feel.” …. I have no idea what this line means! But there specificity and use of music in it means I don’t care, enough is suggested for me to feel safe in guessing!

    -This happens again here, where you use almost onomatopoeic language to infer words that not everyone might understand…
    “Where toots and tals poured through the open window

    And Into the spring garden. “Stick it up mister!”

    -Lovely description of movement here “Her neck slowly swoops to the side,” very original and visual.

    -I really love the narrative movement between these lines. So much is said and done in the spaces between them, it feels skill full…
    “Back, and round to stare at the task ahead.

    “This time..” she uttered, “I’ll be Bulletproof”.

    A huge spider hung from the ceiling.”

    -I think the saga with the bug is mad original and clearly has a very powerful metaphorical meaning that is illustrated in the line “she shook

    herself until she became a shape on the floor.” … I love that.
    …I think the using the stanza form I have suggested below might help you highlight this section and also make the movement from the previous action to this a little clearer. Because at times I am not sure how I got from this girl getting fired to getting published to killing a bug? But I think that is because so much of it is currently in the same stanza when it is all so good it deserves more space!

    -Kindling: nice word! I am not sure about it with the word love. How about “Kindling our revolution”?

    -I like the reintroduction of the groove towards the end, it gives the poem a sense of conclusion on a language level which is lovely.

    -“outburst of being.” I love the sound of that.

    -Great specific, beautiful sounding last two lines that have resonance with the beginning of the poem!

    QUESTIONS
    -I am not sure I understand how to visualise this image, ” Her wrists pull her arms high into the air”
    -How much have you thought about form here? I think using stanza’s could really help you be more concise in places and get you thinking out your performance…

    “Groove is in the heart”

    she whispers to the empty room.

    Arms high. Pump down towards her chest,

    fingers point to the DJ, mates and the floor.

    She is back in ‘Legends of the Dark Black.’

    The only 90’s rave that danced passed its era.

    Original nuttahs: friends raved drum and bass,

    until the weekend came and stood on stage.

    …How would you feel about using 4 line stanza’s throughout this poem?
    -Hopefully doing this should push you to use more punctuation and less words.
    -I also found in pushed me to condense imagery which give the lines more layers of meaning, e.g “until the weekend came and stood on stage.”

    -“On page 20 something lay her first

    Paid published article. What did I say?” … I find this move from a club with friends, to the past with an article and suddenly an “I”… it feels like a new poem and that is jarring. Is there a way you can make the movement from one to another smoother? And could we have an “I” from the beginning of the poem?

    -I am not sure what you are describing here…
    ” Pressure dropped from her shoulders and knees gave way

    To this sight. “I’ll never let you bring me down”.”

    -Who is “Addis” it was jarring having a name dropped in so late in the poem?

    SUGGESTIONS
    -Verbs drive a poem forward quickly, violently, lovingly…however you want them to! How much have you considered them in this poem? I think that if you put some of your verbs in thesaurus, it would really help the momentum of the poem. E.g. “she whispers to the empty room” could be “she mumbles to the empty room,” “she tells the empty room,” etc. etc. you might still decide on whisper, but exploring your options ensure you definitely have the movement you want! Some verbs I would like you to explore in this poem are; “came,” “stood,” “energised,” vertical,” “drop,” “alone,” “called,” and “plants.”

    …Also, funnily enough the poem that really made me think about verbs, was also a poem about a nighclub experience. Reading it might help you! http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/181755

    -The words suddenly and now are unnecessary, you can use line breaks and present tense to create the same effect without the extra word.

    -There are two good images here, I think you only need one…
    “She slips into liquid

    Movement and melts back to the morning”

    ….I think “She melts back to morning” is lovely!

    I hope this has been helpful and I also hope you perform this! I really have enjoyed looking at it and imagining it in your voice.

    Great Work
    Debris

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: