The Man Gun

30 Jan

I waged a war.
Didn’t need any soldiers, didn’t need any sailors, didn’t need anyone else but me and my man gun.

He wore a mask. Had no hands but thousands of swords in case his bullets ran into the sky’s mistake for recaptured land.

He reflected off the spine of a jigsaw puzzle, with all the corner pieces missing.
Missing, misplaced, or just lost
Who actually cares?

He has eyes for the cold alone and my fingerprints are the only ones he condones.

He consoles me because I carry the flaws of a card dealer.

Yes I’ll admit. I deal in hearts.

Give me a good hand I beg of you.

Or at least a royal flush to send the ocean spiralling but the desert does not crave for waters affection, unlike the moon who seeks the sun to steal light from, only to shed it on the hidden unseen.

You can keep the army, you can keep the navy.
I’ll take me and the man gun.
 

His feet are platforms, he’s my earth itself.

He revolves around me because I’m his energy he breeds upon or breeds from.

I sit there and he turns the world for my attention.

I found him in a soliloquy of silences so loud, each of my heartbeats had their own mention.

He was hiding behind the stars that ruin the night’s darkness. 

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One Response to “The Man Gun”

  1. mouthypoets February 8, 2013 at 11:07 am #

    Hi Abi

    I am sorry it has taken me a while to get to this. How are you getting on with it and feeling about it? I feel like you are getting more and more confident as the weeks go buy it would be great to hear more about how you are feeling!

    So here is some feedback on your poem, I hope you still find it useful, if not for this edit then for future edits!

    LOVE
    -I love the general concept of the Man Gun, have you thought about making it
    The Man-Gun to emphasis that it is the human interpretation of weaponry?
    -I think there is a really interesting juxtaposition of affection from the narrator and violence from the man-gun. It pulls your audience/reader into the poem as they anxiously wait to understand this relationship and innovative concept. It is very enjoyable, well done on that front.
    -There is an ambiguity of language here that feels a bit like a riddle, and I actually like that, it feels purposeful and pulls me into the poem to work out the meaning…
    “He consoles me because I carry the flaws of a card dealer.

    Yes I’ll admit. I deal in hearts.

    Give me a good hand I beg of you.”

    -I think you are really good at taking things from the personal, an individual with a hand of cards, to the universal, the impact of that hand on the ocean. I think it gives this piece a feel of fantasy which is consuming.

    -This line is awesome “His feet are platforms,”

    -I like the ambiguity and again riddle-like quality of the end but I am intrigued to know how this actually ended in your mind? What are you describing? You have sucked me into the poem so hard I need to know more!

    QUESTIONS
    -I don’t understand these lines…
    “His eyes for the cold alone and my fingerprints are the only ones he condones.”
    “for waters affection, unlike the moon who seeks the sun to steal light from, only to shed it on the hidden unseen.”
    “He revolves around me because I’m his energy he breeds upon or breeds from.”
    “I found him in a soliloquy of silences so loud, each of my heartbeats had their own mention.”

    …What do they mean? Could you maybe utilise line breaks to clarify the meaning? (I have given you a bit more guidance on this in the suggestions section).

    -Who are you talking to? I like the conviction, “You can keep the army, you can keep the navy,” but I think for performance it would be good to have in mind who you are and who you are talking to? Why are you having this conversation and can you insert that purpose into any of your language or your general performance style?

    -What is your opinion of cliches? I personally think they are like chewing gum chewed by 1000 people before you – they have no flavour! Now this poem proves you have muchos flavour! So I would really like it if you could look at the odd cliche that pops up in your writing and find an Abi way of saying it, try putting each work in a thesaurus and coming up with a new version or ask yourself, what do I actually mean? The cliche I would like you to address is; “he’s my earth itself.”

    SUGGESTIONS
    -I am glad to see that in this draft you are pushing your descriptions as far as possible, I don’t feel like you are holding back. Now, in the editing process, it is about cutting out any unnecessary language and making those descriptions as clear as possible. I have utilised 4 line stanza’s to enable this and give the images space. I have also looked at removing any redundancies, try doing the redundancy exercise here to further your ability within this area…https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/

    -Have a look at the beginning of your poem which I have edited. Do you think you could do the same; using for line stanza’s, punctuation and cutting redundancies throughout?

    I didn’t need any soldiers or sailors.
    Just me and my man gun.
    He wore a mask. Had thousands of swords
    for hands: in case his bullets ran into the sky’s

    He reflected the spine of a jigsaw puzzle.
    All the corner pieces missing.
    Or lost … Who actually cares?

    ….Can you see what I am doing? How would you feel about experimenting with these edits?

    I hope this is helpful Abi! I am very aware this is my first lot of feedback for you so please do let me know how helpful it has been. I am here to support you so always be honest about how helpful I am being so I can learn and get better!

    Debris

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