Security

16 Mar

He stands at the cross roads of the train track and looks out at its vertebrae of choices. Last night hadn’t gone as planned. The whiskey bottle slips between his fingers and flints of gravel chink beneath its weight. For all the rogue actions at opportune moments: her slow fingers ciphering through change, his back turned to the street whilst talking on an iphone.  For the simplicity in watching their eyes awaken in acknowledgement of his hand, his broad palm, clasping the handle of a knife.  For the blade that gently touched their supple necks and nipped the skin on their shoulders, he is now scared. Desperation to recompense tears his eye lids apart, forcing him to stare through the murk where just a few hours ago he had created justification to his decisions.

He had quickened his pace, ran until the inflation of his lungs was restricted by the weight of his angst. Now he stands on a trains track, throbbing temples focusing upon his families vacuous upbringing.

His control had been unquestionable – inconsequential, no reason to question possible consequences(?), until an approaching car startled him, causing his hand to jerk through the skin on her neck. Now the control is with a weeping family, whose cheeks are stained with the blood that drips from her doorstep; where she had stood searching for house keys: security.

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One Response to “Security”

  1. mouthypoets April 26, 2013 at 2:00 pm #

    Hi –

    Firstly, thanks for posting! Secondly, who is this? I really enjoyed reading it and commenting on it, it is very interesting and nothing like what I have seen from Mouthy before – hence me finding it hard to work out who might have written it!
    Here is some feedback – feel free to challenge as much of it as you want, I know nothing about the context of this piece so I am aware much of what I say might be irrelevant but hopefully at least some of it will be helpful!

    LOVE
    -I really like the intensity of this, the verbs you have chosen are interesting and intense. I am not always sure what is going on but I am always sure it is important and there feels like there is a lot at risk. It is for this reason that I keep reading and want to know what is happening or going to happen – this is an amazing starting point to have achieved. Well done!
    -“vertebrae of choices”
    -“his broad palm”
    -Very interesting contrast of tender and sharp language/ action here, “For the blade that gently touched their supple necks and nipped the skin on their shoulders,”
    -“the inflation of his lungs was restricted by the weight of his angst.”

    QUESTIONS
    -What does this mean? “created justification to his decisions.”

    SUGGESTIONS
    -The use of no names, but instead he, her, their and the makes it very difficult to work out what is going on. An example of when I was confused – “For the simplicity in watching their eyes awaken in acknowledgement of his hand.” Maybe changing it to the first person would help with this? Or giving he and she names?
    -Why have you chosen this prose poem format? I think the sophistication of the language used would lend itself to a more refined form. Why not try breaking it into 3 line stanza’s that use a similar line length. I think this would also challenge you to make your punctuation and language a little more concise at times. Look at my example below, I have put into stanzas and also made some small changes that I think would be interested to play with from your own perspective. I have explained all my changes above and below so you can play for yourself…
    I stands by the train track
    at the intersection – look out
    to the vertebrae of choices.

    Last night didn’t go as planned.
    The Jack Daniel’s bottle slipping
    between from my fingers:

    -The clarity of the action isn’t always set up in a way that is logical to follow. I was a bit confused about where exactly he was because a Train Track doesn’t have a cross roads? Do you mean a level crossing? Or an intersection either way I think you need to be clearer I think especially as this is followed by a more abstract image, it needs to be pinned down by something very concrete.
    -I want a slightly deeper sense of place and character in this and I feel you could do that with specificity. Being more specific will enable you to show me details specific to this story. E.g. What kind of Whiskey there is a big difference between the kind of person that drinks Tesco’s own brand and someone who drinks Famous Grouse – who are you talking about? Likewise, what kind of knife? There is a big difference between someone who carries around a butterfly knife and someone who carries around a machete!
    I really hope this is helpful – I see editing as a dialogue that should help you achieve your objectives for this piece so please do let me know if this is helpful!

    Warmest Regards
    Debris

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