SST5 First Draft

16 Mar

I have another piece that I’m also considering, but I’ll put that one up as a video though. All feedback welcome, and I might perform this on Tuesday as well.

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Back On The JSA

I celebrate my last pay day

And sign back on the JSA

Boring building with boring doors

With bored people on every floor

 

There’s really not a lot to say

When signing on the JSA

No-hopers stare viciously

At graduates on sofa three

 

A very subtle scent of weed

A man has got five kids to feed

A strange and foreign name is called

A part-time pensioner looks appalled

 

Report back to the same old mob

The same old fact – you have no job

Spirit crushed and hopes destroyed

Curse of the general unemployed

 

Typing, murmuring, hustle and bustle

Coughing, sneezing, papers rustle

Embarrassed silence within the air

Challengers being as loud as they’d dare

 

Smokers outside don’t wanna go in

Chuffing away right next to the bins

I’m almost now on first-name terms 

And when they call it, my stomach churns

 

It smells a bit like minted bleach

As a third year drop-out tries to teach

People who once earned more than him

All around, expressions grim

 

‘Look at all this time I have

To spend this money I do not have’

All faces like one sore slapped arse

Amidst this whole fortnightly farce

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6 Responses to “SST5 First Draft”

  1. anneholloway March 16, 2013 at 10:29 am #

    Hi Adam, this is a really pertinent piece, and you’ve written it in a humorous way, which nevertheless allows us to see the real picture of who signs on and how they are all feeling.

    Your mission, should you wish to accept it, is this: in a similar way as the exercise Debris gave us yesterday in MOUTHY, add in specificity and (you know I am the rhyme police) don’t worry about rhyme – hold on to rhythm and metre though – so where you say he has 5 kids to feed, show me the 5 kids – just see how this changes the piece – then by all means put it back to how it is now – but I think that you are covering up stuff that needs to be said by the seemingly lighthearted style of this poem – just like when we first meet you we think we see Adam, but you cover up a lot of stuff with the mild mannered, easy going, smirky, smiling chap – when really once we start to get to know you, you are a lot more than that – that’s what I’d like to see in this poem.

    • Adam Broome March 17, 2013 at 10:17 pm #

      Hmm, I’ll give that a try then! I’ll add a few lines here and there and see what happens. I know I am aiming more for general ‘conceptual’ atmosphere in this one, so I wont go into much detail about any of the characters I describe in it, but it never hurts to experiment!
      I have another piece for SST5 which is much more personal and complex, and sounds much more like something you’d enjoy getting your teeth into. There’ll be a video up within the week, I’ll be sure to send you the link 🙂
      ~X~

      • anneholloway March 17, 2013 at 10:53 pm #

        I think you could achieve conceptual and still add in more detail.

  2. mouthypoets April 26, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

    Hey Adam,

    How are you? How is London?

    Before I give you any feedback on this it would be good to know what you want to do with it as you no longer plan to be performing at SST5? I am still happy to give feedback if you want it but it would be good to know the context?

    Debris

  3. Adam Broome April 26, 2013 at 2:24 pm #

    Hi Debris!
    I’d say not to worry about it for now. This poem became ‘JSA Rap Battle’, and is (still) undergoing some developmental changes. It’s likely I’ll be doing something different for SST5 now – something a bit simpler! Thanks anyway though – once I’ve settled into my new home I’ll have plenty of evenings free to work on my piece 🙂 London is fine thank you – very warm down there weather-wise, and yet my housemates still have the heating on 24/7 haha
    ~X~

  4. mouthypoets April 29, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

    HI Adam – GREAT so you are still performing! Will you be able to get it up by the end of April and will you be coming up periodically for rehearsals? Would be great to help it in development! D

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