Real-Rough 1st Draft Of My SST5 Piece Exploring My Response To Channel 4’s The Undateables.

26 Apr

Brent, 21, Tourettes Syndrome.

A letter to Lizzie

I’m not really into writing that much. It’s weird having the control over what I say. I’ve already smashed my fist into this paper six times. That’s what tourettes feels like sometimes. Like all these words punching out of my throat.

I’m writing this cause I got really nervous after our first date. I was having such a good time I don’t know if I said sorry for everything that came out that I didn’t want to come out. I just stopped thinking about the tourettes cause you were making me laugh so hard.

I said in the show love’s like a medication and that when I sleep next to someone at night there’s no ticks or anything. If you watch it back I hope you don’t think it sucks to be like a shot of anesthetic for a boy who will swear at you more often than compliment you.

When I was waiting for you by the docks I asked the camera guy to fuck off. That wasn’t the tourettes. I just like to look out at the water and it calms me down. I know there was like a storm in me when you showed up.

After we’d snowboarded for like three hours you collapsed to the floor at the top of the dry slope and I didn’t tick once and we looked out at Plymouth in total silence which usually terrifies me but it didn’t with you there.

I bet all you were thinking about was how awesome the town looked all lit up from that view.

I quickly whispered wow just so you knew that for all the things I don’t mean to say, the ones I do are important.

Cause all I was thinking was: how many ways can I totally screw up this moment?

I don’t even know much about romance but I do know that there’s probably nothing worse than my hand almost touching yours the exact same time I blurted out “BIG TITS!”.

But you laughed for like ages man.

I started getting ticks really bad then but you laughing so hard made It okay and you started swearing too and it wasn’t at me or you it was at this town and everything we have hated or just feel trapped inside of us and It was like it was just the two of us and it was my favourite part of the date cause neither of us genuinely gave a shit.

If we had kissed that night I would have pushed my lips into yours way too hard and for way too long and it wouldn’t have been for romantic reasons. It’s just cause I know that way no words can get out that I don’t want to let out. Maybe that is romantic though.

I had this wicked idea you know. Well, it’s kinda more a prayer. I know I’m going off on one now.

What if there was like this way to make tourettes totally switch it up?

So whenever I said something I shouldn’t have said or that I didn’t mean to say but it came out all wrong..what if my tourettes fixed it, like blurted out what I meant to say?

Like if you asked me if I missed you after we’d been apart for a week and I was all like ‘I think it’s cool we got some space’ the tourettes would flare up and all I could spit out of me would be I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

Or if we were fighting and I told you to fuck off my whole body would spaz out and I’d scream I I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU.

Anyway, I get that we’ve had like one date.

I guess I’m getting more used to saying the things I want to say around you.

Hope you got some sleep after all that boarding and this doesn’t freak you out or anything,

Brent. x


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