Uni workshop writing

26 Apr

I think he probably feels like wax. Not wax, but like that sweaty wax – like that.

Smells like something somewhere between the back garden and the motorway. Probably found in one of the ditches.

Sounds like I can’t remember what he sounded like, but he echoes like a foghorn rippling down the coastline and the coast side town wonders what’s behind the clouds.

Tastes like ice cream laced with copper, looks like something else.

The photo frame on the bedside table only watched. The mattress maybe cushioned the blows, I hope. The kitchen knife shouldn’t have been in there, but it was.

Danny wasn’t there. I wasn’t there.

I’d like to think if we were stood in that room together now, Paul, you’d not have much to say to me.

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2 Responses to “Uni workshop writing”

  1. Matt April 27, 2013 at 7:07 pm #

    I recognise the exercise this came from but not the person – who is this? I like this. Lots.
    I can imagine it set to a background of eerie music (check out ‘What’s he building in there?’ by Tom Waits), with a cool gloomy video of some sort.

    Was interested by foghorns ‘rippling’ – immediately it feels like ‘ripping’ would work better, rippling suggests something slower and more dreamlike which I think works. I think.

    Love the use of senses – nicely subtle and bizarre – ‘Smells like something somewhere between the back garden and the motorway’ is a particular favourite.

    The action is perfectly followable but also nicely ambiguous – there is far more to know but I don’t feel I need to know it for this to be effective.

    Your first line is maybe your weakest I think. I like the use of contradiction – its like this, no not quite like that, but like this – kind of thing. but I don’t know what ‘that sweaty wax’ is. I’d be more specific here and it’d work better.

    Again who is this? Tell me. Then make a cool video and post that up 🙂

    Matt

  2. Matt April 27, 2013 at 7:07 pm #

    Oh, and give it a title

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