SS5 – To the man I married

5 May

Length: 4 mins
Theme: A journey in a marriage
Feedback: The flow of the piece (the way it is written, I am not sure if it feels jarred at times)?
Is the narrative clear enough?

**********************************

Divorce waited for me by my guitar,
re-aligned the stars and sat beneath the moon.
I sat next to him as he told stories
of when he chased the world
 back into its socket
and painted the town blue.

To the man I married:
**SANG: “Unchain our wings so we can fly together,
unchain our wings so we can fly with you.”**

I slept diagonally.
My ‘other half’ sank
into the Postit note you
left on our bed that morning.
“Love wasn’t meant for us”
Those words throbbed
like cuts in skin.

I never knew goodbye –
Thought the ‘good’ in bye
was too shy to split from it’s partner.

Paint my veins red;
as you once painted my nails.
Nail your vows within me.

To the man I married:
**SANG: “Unchain our wings so we can fly together,
unchain our wings so we can fly with you.”**

Our house is crooked,
bed has grown icicles.
I no longer dream of you;
screams now pierce my eyelids.

You were meant to give
your life for me.

I still believe in you,
as your grandmother did,
in cornfields that scarred knuckles.

I will never treat you how your mother did,
but grow Lilly petals for you:
Sellotape us – double sided.

To the man I married:
**SANG: “Unchain our wings so we can fly together,
unchain our wings so we can fly with you.”**

Patience stood by my front doorstep;
she stencilled pictures of the rooftops
onto dotted signature lines.
Took my hand, smiled and with a voice
that heated sand into glass
she said, “ I don’t mind helping you.”

**SANG: “Unchain our wings so we can fly together,
unchain our wings so we can fly with you.” x2 **

To the man I married:

Face the sun with me,
all our shadows will
fall behind us.

By Simone Estridge

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6 Responses to “SS5 – To the man I married”

  1. mouthypoets May 5, 2013 at 7:50 pm #

    Beautiful. The way you paint images with words is breath taking..’as he chased the world back into sockets’…’Those words throbbed like cuts in my skin’…’voice that heated
    sand into glass ‘…so many, the last stanza is such a powerful image to end on. Sorry i dont have any constructive feedback- i love it. ix

  2. mouthypoets May 6, 2013 at 9:26 pm #

    This poem is so heart wrenching, seeping with feeling at the seams. I love it.
    The only thing i picked up on were the lines
    “And I no longer dream of you but
    screams that pierce my eyelids.”
    The word “but” seems to make the lines a little incoherent. It might be worth making each line a single sentence:
    “And I no longer dream of you.
    But screams (still) pierce my eyelids”
    Hope that’s constructive.
    I can relate to all the emotion you put into your poetry. it is such a powerful thing.

    Jennifer Maloney (mouthy)

  3. mouthypoets May 7, 2013 at 11:20 pm #

    Hey Jennifer,

    Thank you for your comments and for taking the time out to read my poem, really appreciate it… 🙂 Your feedback’s helpful, it’s interesting you said that. I think the way that that was worded may be a bit confusing. Your suggestion of:

    “And I no longer dream of you.
    But screams (still) pierce my eyelids”

    could potentially work but it changes the meaning of what was intended. However, it does need re-wording.

    Do you think it would be clearer if it was:
    “And I no longer dream of you,
    but dream of screams that pierce my eyelids.”

    Once again thank you for your comments and feedback, I’m glad the emotion was translated 🙂

    Simone x

  4. mouthypoets May 9, 2013 at 7:49 am #

    but isnt marriage itself jarring ?
    that being said the emotion is well placed in this piece. in terms of the flow it breaks down a bit for me from the nails your vows…. then goes to the house growing crooked….. not sure you need that line…… if you take it our does the poem lose anything for you ?

    the imagery her is fantastic but be careful not to pack it with lines/filler the beauty and strength of this poem, i believe is in its simplicity i.e sello tape us together –again not sure you need together the Sellotape insinuates the together.

    the stanza patience stood……..i don’t mind helping….. — killlllllllllllllaaaaaaaar love it

    read through again being forensic
    – check your tenses
    – make sure either an addition or removal of a conjunction is necessary i.e. Jennifer’s point of still pierce my eyelids
    – and make sure the emotion that you want folks left with is coming through

    • Simone May 12, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

      Thank you for the feedback, i will get my forensic knife out and start simplifying 🙂 much appreciated

  5. mouthypoets May 28, 2013 at 3:18 pm #

    How are you? When are we seeing you (aka when are you escaping from work on a Friday?)

    I love your poetry man. I think overall the movement is clear, there doesn’t feel like there is a narrative per say but a sense of a journey and I think that is enough to be honest. Some more detailed feedback below…

    LOVE

    -BAM! I love that first line, strong and attention grabbing. So much so, I would cut the second line, it is abstract and wishy-washy in comparison to the concrete nature of the rest of the stanza.

    -I love all the inferences that come with this line and that you are confident enough not to feel like you need to explain them… “I slept diagonally.”… She is lonely, it is just her in the bed for her to fill, part of her is enjoying the space, part of her feels askew because of it. There is so much there and I love it.

    -I love the way you have used words to create movement and flow within this stanza…
    “Paint my veins red;
    as you once painted my nails.
    Nail your vows within me.”

    -I love the personification of patience, I can see her, I like that it is all a bit magic realisim but at the same time I see and believe everything you are telling me. The whole thing has a magical and mysterious movement in your image and word choices which I love.

    -I like that the two men in the poem are the husband and divourse and the two women are the wife and patience, I feel like there is an undertone of reflecting the characters there which works really well.

    QUESTIONS

    -Who is singing? Divorce or the narrator? I think having it say “Divorce sang or the man I married” or “I sang to the man I married”? just to make that clearer would be helpful to the narrative.

    -I am not sure what this section means. It feels like you are playing with words for the sake of it? I would cut the stanza for you, the text around it is already working plus I like having the cuts juxtaposed with the painting of veins…
    I never knew goodbye –
    Thought the ‘good’ in bye
    was too shy to split from it’s partner.

    SUGGESTIONS

    -The language you use in this section feels unoriginal in comparison to the rest of the poem,
    “Love wasn’t meant for us”
    Those words throbbed
    like cuts in skin.

    …I think dealing with this could be as simple as putting the verbs in a thesaurus (http://thesaurus.com) to freshen them up. E.g.

    “Love wasn’t designed for us”
    Those words thumped
    Like notches carved into arms.

    -I also want to challenge some of the word choices in your sung refrain, chains, wings and flight all seem like clichéd and used images, why don’t you try using the thesaurus again to try and freshen up the image but maintain the core of the image. I have had a play myself…
    ”Dismiss our feathers so we can dive together,
    dismiss our feathers so we can dive with you.”**

    -I think you could look through the whole piece and look at your verbs using a thesaurus to be honest, they could be doing more in places I think and to be honest this is good practice when editing any poem at your level.

    -I think the ending needs work, I think it should carry different images from the first stanza rather than the weaker sun/moon one. E.g.

    To the man I married,
    Waiting by my guitar.
    Chase me with stories.
    Plug in the sun
    and face it with me
    And all our blue shadows
    Will fall behind us.

    …can you see what I have done? Kept the core structure of your current ending but used the strongest images, language and ideas from your beginning. Have a play and see what you can come up with?

    -Lastly, a tiny thing – I think you should have; doorstep or front door, both is redundant to the image.

    I hope this is helpful?

    Debris x

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