EDITED Goats (by Jo) SST5

10 May

heya here’s an edited version – in the end i’ve decided to keep the last two lines pretty much the same – done some meatre editing so it should hopefully fit abit better. not sure about the 4th stanza – bit wierd that she spits and snarls before she bleets. also not sure about ‘forest nook and canyon‘ – canyon sounds a bit clunky but i cant figure out what to put instead!

Goats

Oh for sweet freedom, that taste so rare!

Tell me Great Muse, of those who would dare

To risk every limb, every hoof, for a whiff,

A whiff of that fortune the Dogs would not give.

For years they had struggled, the Muse tells me how

They wrote their complaints to the ‘Institute Bow-wow.’

They marched on parliament,

They stormed Woofeteria ,

But still Dogs were adamant:

‘These goats are inferior!

Look at their hooves, they’ve only two toes,

We’d eat them for supper, such weaklings one knows.

Their horns are so curly, its deeply unnerving,

And that god-awful bleet is simply disturbing!

A unanimous woof I hear, well enoof about that!’

But Mildred the Goat, she snarled and she spat,

She bleeted and bleeted and started to march

On her own at midnight with fire in her heart:

‘Give the goat the vote, freeeedom is ‘aaars’’

And suddenly the hill side resounded with ‘maaars!’

They painted their banners,

They polished their hooves,

They sharpened their horns,

They were on the move:

Twenty went to fifty went a hundred then more,

From forest, nook and canyon the crowds began to swarm.

‘Bleet la revolution’ echoed the deep cry

Of 20thousands goats as they marched through the night.

‘Ooonward to London!’ Mildred’s voice was heard,

‘Let us give these dogs what they reeeaally deserve!’

As their numbers grew, the twilight bark was heard,

Which PM Fido found truly absurd:

‘That rabble wont get past our sturdy cattle-grids’

‘My lord,’ said the chancellor,’ they have bridges!’

Suddenly round parliament swarmed the goatie ranks,

The bleeting was frenzied, then up rose a plank

From the ground to the office of Fido all alone,

Which Mildred snuck up, to take on her foe…

He didn’t see her coming, she bashed through the door,

She threw him out the window,

Streets splattered in gore,

As all dogs they could find got a hoof to the heart,

And Mildred the Great became Chevre Presidente.

And so the goats lived and freedom was theirs,

Finally getting what they believed was their share…

Until an oink was heard, then two, then three,

And the Pigs decided it was time to be free…

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3 Responses to “EDITED Goats (by Jo) SST5”

  1. mouthypoets May 12, 2013 at 12:52 pm #

    Jo. This is fantastic. Not sure what to add here. I think the story is clear. Funny and the undertone meaning is great.

    Maybe. The last line you remove yourself from the piece with something like “everyone wants to be free” and you bring it back to reality. It’s not necessary but it can help wrap up the overall sentiment you are making. The performing of it is about you enjoying the poem. Learn it well and if it falls off the lips you’d worry less about how to say it and its natural whimsical will be prevalent

    Great job

    • mouthypoets May 17, 2013 at 12:26 pm #

      oh wow thanks very much – yea performance is defiantely something i need to really work on! ill have a play around with the last couple of lines too. thanks

  2. mouthypoets May 28, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

    Hey Joe,

    Thanks so much for keeping this updated despite not being in session, I appreciate it! If you get the time to give some of the other poems a look and some feedback I think that will help your involvement pre-say sum thin 5 too!

    All my feedback is to enable you to achieve what you want to with the poem, feel free to challenge anything! I want to get better at supporting you ☺ Overall a great and original poem that I think will add diversity and comedy to the show. Some more detailed feedback below…

    LOVE

    -The title! I think it takes some balls to go with a monosyllabic noun as a title. But it is strong and gives us a clear picture from the get-go but also keeps your cards close to your chest with the content.

    -The use of rythmn, rhyme, stanza and line breaks is perfect. It gives the humour of the poem a contrast and a sense of stability and poetry which I think makes the audience/reader feel secure in laughing and following a narrative that sometimes feels unclear.

    -The ending is awesome! I love that they only come in in the last stanza and it is left to our imaginations!

    -I love the personification of the animals it is very balanced and vivid, here is some of my particularly favorite sections; “Their horns are so curly, its deeply unnerving” & “Mildred the Goat,” (I really like the idea of naming the animals and setting up a more visual tension between ‘characters’ it would be nice to have more of this from the beginning, I have elaborated on this in ‘suggetions’).

    -Great dialogue and use of the goat voice, I can’t wait to hear that! E.g.
    “‘Give the goat the vote, freeeedom is ‘aaars’’
    And suddenly the hill side resounded with ‘maaars!’”

    -I think the way you build momentum within the poem is great, I particularly like the increase of pace here… “They painted their banners (until) hundred then more.” So much in fact I think you could cut the canyon line, the preceding images are working hard enough!

    -The puns are great!!!! “‘Bleet la revolution’ echoed the deep cry”

    -Great verbs throughout!

    QUESTIONS

    -Can I ask why canyon is in bold?

    -Why is the narrator cussing out the goats? It feels like that is what he is doing and I kind of want to know what within the text a bit more, I have elaborated a bit on this in the ‘suggestion’ section…

    -What is the actual action of the story, what is happening? Could you write it out in five bullet points? Once you have done this, look at how much extra material you have in the poem that deviates from that action because I think at times it feels like you are describing more than you need to and it is making it hard to follow what is actually going on. Try doing this then pruning some of the text, I think it could do with being 20% shorter?

    – I don’t really understand Chevre Presidente?

    SUGGESTIONS

    -Occasionally rhyme and rhythm takes over sense and I am clueless as to what is happening in the poem and what I am trying to see. I think in these moments you could loose the attention span of the audience. Remember your piece is going to be amongst 2 hours of poetry and I think the unique tone and rhymn of you poem could keep them – but that narrative needs to be tight to.

    In most of the poem it will just be about giving the performance lots of thought and making the meaning clear through that – because I have to read the whole poem twice to understand what I needed to imagine, you will need to be that thorough with your voice and body to embellish the meaning and movement. But in the following sections I was not sure what was happening, try going through them line by line and asking yourself; what is the audience seeing here? Does this image, action follow on smoothly from what is happening before and after it within the text? …

    For years they had struggled, the Muse tells me how
    They wrote their complaints to the ‘Institute Bow-wow.’
    They marched on parliament,
    They stormed Woofeteria ,
    ….For me, the main confusion in this section is – Who are they and who is me? You are setting up a conflict but I don’t know who with! Is it the dogs? Are you a sheep? I am not sure but it needs to be clearer.
    …As I sift through the piece and look for extra sections, I am starting to realise that is the key difficulty the we, I, they… I am never sure who is who. If it is humans, dogs and sheep I just think it is just about making that clearer throughout the piece and particularly at the beginning.

    I hope this is helpful.
    Debris

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