SST5 – I was Born, I was Raised.

10 May

Theme: Longing to be mom

I was born from the womb.

Of a strong woman
Held for 9months.
It all started off 1989 17th may,
A wednesday,I pushed my way out of mother nature me crying,cord cutt mum crying yes i made my debut apperance into the world.
I can’t remeber. That day when I was born but can imagine me being small but cute. A spiritual aura surrounds my bed protecting me as a child….. My mum barley not smiling with her. Soft motherly love holding me closly me coverd in a thousand kisses. One day I’d love to be a mother I’d hold you close ill not let go. Ill teach you how to dance to sing to stand tall tho I imagin you petite and small, your eyes will be his eyes. Twice the dimples and so wize. Your small hands for holding your dreams for keeping. Our love will surround you like gates surround gardens of roses with butterflies and bees,though stones that hurt ill never tell you they won’t
life is a gift of hope
But sometimes we let it drift like smoke.
I still hope that one day me and you will meet someday so my wishes of hope can be retrived. The journey of ours can begin

Raisa

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2 Responses to “SST5 – I was Born, I was Raised.”

  1. mouthypoets May 11, 2013 at 10:23 pm #

    Raisa great piece
    Not sure of the feedback you want but the poem for me starts at one day I’d like to be a mother…… The parts before that are filler that you could simply put as I want to or I’m gonna be as good a mother as mine was to me. She would…….

    But the power in this for me is what you want to be and how much you want that. If the theme is about longing. Then let that drip from this. What are the fears the unknowns the knowns that you can’t wait to embrace. I love the potential of this and the opportunity you have to dig into yourself if you choose to.

    I’m longing to know your name. Your gran has named you 15 times already. Said you will be strong and African and …… But I want you all those things and ………..

    Make sense ? run with this ( if you’d like)

  2. mouthypoets May 28, 2013 at 12:31 pm #

    Hi Raisa,

    I hope you are well? I know you are not sure if you want to perform at Say Sum Thin 5, but Mouthy and I do! Plus I love your work and want to support your poetry irrelevant of you being in our shows. So I am taking out the same time I have with everyone else to give you feedback on this poem. I hope it is helpful…

    LOVE

    -The title is great, it has layers, depth, detail and ambiguity all at the same time. I also think just by using the word Mom there is a sense of tenderness and connection with your audience/reader.

    -There are some really nice turns of phrase in this piece, I like that you say “it all started off” rather than “it all started on”… it gives a sense of drama and conversational tone which gives the poem a sense of intimacy.

    -Your mixture of natural references, “mother nature” and “wombs” etc. combines really well with your modern day language – describing birth as a “debut appearance” is original and insightful and I love it.

    -There is an innocence in your language that makes me feel intreagued in you and want to listen to you, e.g. “I can’t remember. That day when I was born but can imagine me being small but cute.”

    -I like the use of rhyme and imager here, it has relevant rhythm to the dancing image and I can see it clearly, “Ill teach you how to dance to sing to stand tall tho I imagin you petite and small,”

    -I like how you bring “him into it” and again the way you use a nursery-like rhyme to make it innocent and beautiful, “your eyes will be his eyes. Twice the dimples and so wise.”

    QUESTIONS

    -I am not sure I understand this line. Could you make it a bit clearer, maybe using some of the suggestions below? …. “My mum barley not smiling with her.”

    SUGGESTIONS

    -I feel like the concrete, meaty detail of this poem starts on the third line, so if I was you I would cut the first two. I think the rest of the poem shows what you are telling in these first two lines. So I think the poem should start on the line “It all started off…”

    -Have you ever use set stanza’s? Stanza’s are like a paragraph in poetry, a block of text. At the moment you have one stanza in freeverse aka you are doing whatever you want to do. Set stanza’s mean you have more blocks of text, each block with the same number of lines – we played around with these at Arvon, do you remember? I think this poem would work well in three line stanza’s, I have started playing with how you could break it up, read what I have done out loud and taking a pause where the breaks are. See if you can see the effect it has had on the lines and try playing with the poem in this way on your own…

    It all started off
    1989 17th may,
    A wednesday, I pushed
    my way out of mother nature crying,
    cord cut, mum crying
    yes I made my debut appearance

    into the world. I can’t remember.
    That day when I was born
    but can imagine me

    being small but cute.
    A spiritual aura
    surrounds my bed

    -This line feels a bit soppy and clichéd…
    “Soft motherly love holding me closly me coverd in a thousand kisses.”
    …What else would your mother do to comfort you? Something that no one else would do? My mother would press my hand against her lips when she spoke so I could understand the movement when learning to talk, what might yours have done? Could you give me that detail instead of the more typical hugging and kissing that everyone does to babies?

    -Likewise, “I’d hold you close ill not let go” … this is a clichéd way of describing what you do to a child. Imagine you have YOUR baby in YOUR arms, what would YOU do that no one else would? Would you twizzle her hair around your finger? Would you pull up her socks as they fight to fall from her tiny feet? Would you pretend to bite her ear off and make her laugh? Give me a more original detail that makes me see your special relationship?

    -Do some research into flowers, “roses” are overused. Is there another flower that represents what you want more originally? Flower names are lovely and can create great imagery; irises, daisy, chrysanthemums, tulips, asphodels, hibiscus etc. etc.

    -Also could you give me a type of butterfly and a type of bee for specificity and detail. A simple google could give you some interesting names and images.

    -How would you feel about letting the poem end on “let is drift like smoke” I think it is a beautiful line that gives an image with a lot of connotations and ambiguity – it lets the reader see themselves in the piece rather than exhaustively describing what you mean?

    I hope this is helpful, irrelevant of performing or not!

    Debris xxx

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