SST5 Poem Bree!

10 May

Hi all! Here’s my poem – it’s an emotional journey that I experienced in a relationship (1 min 20 secs approx.). I still need to express my emotions more fully, and the 2nd and 3rd verses need more work. It’s the first poem I’ve ever really written so I would really appreciate some feedback, especially regarding the structure and redundancy of words but any other feedback is also very much appreciated 🙂

Sorry if you don’t like my honesty

But I can’t take your lies

It might seem like a novelty to you

To hear the truth sometimes

v

I was cast as your shadow; your emotions projected on to me

And the light could not reach,  for me to be seen

v

To fight unconscious enemies in the dark hue of my mind

And admit how I’ve failed in the face of such hardship

Was the hardest compromise I made for you

The dissonance – I could not bear it

v

The song that you sang was not the same as mine

You told me we could work – you just needed more time

To show me that you and I were meant to laugh…

But you were living life on my behalf

v

To gaze for so long into the eyes of another

I could have become a monster…

I felt the hate but love took over

I let you take from me; but now I’m sober

v

Like an artist with a brush to paint your lies

The impressionism was convincing for a while

But now the light has changed

  I think it’s time to say goodbye

v

And all you have left are those empty words

To console yourself with – now that I

Have painted a new picture where the sun shines free

I do a little sun dance, just for me

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2 Responses to “SST5 Poem Bree!”

  1. mouthypoets May 11, 2013 at 11:34 pm #

    As your first poem briiiiiii lllllll. Iii Ant. Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable on your first go round.

    I don’t feel the poem is redundant and the structure is good. There are some really great sentiments. I was cast as your shadow….. Etc is a great play with words and the light never reaching is a great image.

    I think there’s many choices for this, heres 2

    1. Sometimes when we start as poets we start to write and try to finish a poem before we have actually written it. Before we write what your thoughts and feelings are at first. We tend to miss things and sometimes skip the emotions because we are busy telling the story.
    We wanna know how you feel. What did the actions do to you. How did it twist you. How did it leave you. If you wrote all that out and then circled the parts that affect you most. Take those parts out and then write them by themselves and build the poem around those feelings. It doesn’t have to rhyme.

    2. Keep poem as is but just stretch out the stanzas to convey how they made you feel. There a lot if good here it just needs a bit more of “you” in it

    Hope that helps

    • mouthypoets May 12, 2013 at 2:49 pm #

      Thanks for the feedback, very much appreciated. I’ve been struggling to find ways to express my emotions in this and you’re right, I need to stop trying to tell the story and go back to the raw emotions that I felt at the time

      Thanks again

      🙂

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