Hi everyone this poem is called ‘5 times in a minute’ i need to make it clear what the poem is trying to say, but need help! pegah :)

20 May

 You walk up and down the same corridor 5 times in a minute

and it makes you think about what you should have done.

I sit there in the corner of the left hand side of the same corridor

I watch you walk up and down the corridor 5 times in a minute

and it makes me think about what you should have done.

When you had the chance.

Every time you lift your feet up to take one step forward

gravity lets you go and your tears fall backward through your eyes inside you washing you out.

Every time your feet touches the same corridor as me your tears fall down,

flooding away your steps, your thought and your dreams.

Every time you open your eyes and mouth to say something you stutter

because you can’t decide on what you want to say

so you decide to take a step back to look inside you

but all you can see is the flood washing away your steps and turns.

I said  I let you be my map,

You gave me direction you gave me a path,

But now, I have nothing except from my cold veins across my hands,

I was lost in your heart,

I was a voice stuck in your chest like a victim behind bars drowning in blood.

Then you realised there was a wall between us,

my side was a dead end and your side there was nothing but a swamp of lies,

the plants on my side had no roots to grow from

on your side their roots been cut off like a blood vessel to your heart.

You would rather watch yourself fall from the sky like a bird tired of flying

with tighten wings reminding him of his yesterday and forgetting about his tomorrow.

You say, that instead of the flood you want the ocean sea touching the shore softly

so when you want to take a step forward your not scared to get your feet wet.

Now you can look at me with a smile on your lips and on your heart

because you can fake a smile to everyone around you

but you can’t hide away the bullets in your heart from yourself leaking blood, chocking you from inside.

Because you knew I was sat in the corner of the left hand side of the same corridor.

Watching you walk up and down the corridor 5 times in a minute.

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2 Responses to “Hi everyone this poem is called ‘5 times in a minute’ i need to make it clear what the poem is trying to say, but need help! pegah :)”

  1. anneholloway May 21, 2013 at 7:42 am #

    I get school, or a hospital. He’s done something bad and is waiting for judgement or news about it. You know what he did and he knows you know!
    I like the repetition you use and think you could do more of that to echo his pacing.aybe reorder lines?
    But it’s still too obscure for me to really know what’s going on. You mention ‘bullet’ and blood but I presume that was metaphorical?

  2. mouthypoets May 24, 2013 at 10:45 am #

    Hi Pegah,

    Thanks for getting this up and also taking on my feedback and editing it so quickly! Well done!

    LOVE
    -I love this image, not sure what you have done to it but it feels much clearer than I remember
    “Every time you lift your feet up to take one step forward
    gravity lets you go and your tears fall backward through your eyes inside you”
    -This line/image is awesome, I have slightly changed the grammar to make it stronger…
    “Now, I have nothing except but the cold veins across my hands,”

    -I love “I was a voice stuck in your chest like a victim behind bars” so much I don’t think you need “drowning in blood.” At the end, I would delete that part.

    -Amazing image and idea = “the plants on my side had no roots to grow”

    -Amazing concept =“You would rather watch yourself fall from the sky like a bird tired of flying

    -The way you begin to bring it together at the end feels sophisticated, I like the way the water is repeating itself; tears, floods and then the dreams of the sea at the end =
    “You say, that instead of the flood you want the ocean sea touching the shore softly
    so when you want to take a step forward your not scared to get your feet wet.”

    -I also really like how you have integrated the cliché of scared to get your feet wet in a really original and inovvative way – you have given it a new and deeper meaning! That is impressive (we all know how I feel about clichés).

    -I think that “you can fake a smile to everyone around you” is a strong enough line, it says so many things that I don’t think you need the line before it…
    “Now you can look at me with a smile on your lips and on your heart
    because” — I would delete this part.
    -The ending is perfect, well done.

    QUESTIONS
    -Has the blog messed with the formatting of this? Did you want it as one block of text like this?

    -I don’t understand this line?
    “Every time your feet touches the same corridor as me your tears fall down,”

    -Why have you chosen not to use punctuation here…
    I said I let you be my map

    I think it would be stronger as – I said, “I let you be my map.”

    -I was a bit confused here because it went from you to him…
    “with tighten wings reminding him of his yesterday and forgetting about his tomorrow”

    SUGGESTIONS
    -I think your doing words – your verbs are weak. I want to challeng you to change some by putting them in a thesaurus and choosing an alternative word that is more interesting (http://thesaurus.com/) E.g. “I was lost in your heart” could be…
    “I was lacking in your heart”
    “I was at sea in your heart”
    “I was between the cracks in your heart”

    -Can you see that there is more depth and originality to these options?
    -I want you to do the same with the following words; sit, watch, lift, step, look, washing away, between,

    -Sometimes you use more words than you need to, look at each line and see if you can cut words out and maybe add punctuation or line breaks to make the meaning the same but with less words e.g…

    “my side was a dead end and your side there was nothing but a swamp of lies,”

    …could be…

    “my side was a dead-end
    your side was a lying swamp”

    AND

    “on your side their roots been cut off like a blood vessel to your heart.”

    …could be…

    “Your sides roots:
    cut off: a blood vessel
    to your heart.”

    -The more poetry you read the easier it will be to instinctively do this!

    -The emotional meaning is a lot clearer to me now, as are the images but if you want the actual narrative to be clearer I think you need to work on this line

    “but you can’t hide away the bullets in your heart from yourself leaking blood,”

    Because ultimately, we want to know what he did, why he is pacing and this is the line eluding to what that is. Can you make it clearer? E.g…

    “you can’t hide
    the bullets are in your heart
    leaking blood,”

    + another line that hints at why he is pacing; are they Ill? Are they going to prison? Have they hurt someone? Have they hurt you? Whatever it is, add one line that links WHY they are doing this. Don’t tell us, just hint at it not metaphorically but actually!

    Amazing editing work Pegah. Well done. I hope this helps you get to a final draft for next Friday!

    Good luck with the rest of your exams.
    Debris

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