SST5 Poem Bree…edited

20 May

Hi all! Here’s my poem – it’s an emotional journey that I experienced in a relationship (1 min 30 secs approx.). I still need to make it a bit clearer what the poem is actually about and how I came to realise certain things – still working on that. It’s the first poem I’ve ever really written so I would really appreciate some feedback, especially regarding the structure but any other feedback is also very much appreciated 🙂

Sorry if you don’t like my honesty

But I can’t take your lies

It might seem like a novelty to you

To hear the truth sometimes

v

You put yourself on a pedestal; the magnetism was hypnotic

I used to dance in lightning storms as a kid

Then, later… I was drawn to the storm in you

v

I was cast as your shadow; your emotions projected on to me

And the light could not reach, for me to be seen

I was on a different frequency… no one could see

Or hear the silent screams for you to stop it

My self-esteem hammered down like a nail into my own casket

v

I fought unconscious enemies in the dark hue of my mind

You coloured my perception black and blue

To admit how I’d failed in the face of such hardship

Was the hardest compromise I made for you

v

To gaze for so long into the eyes of another; I could have become a monster

I raged inside at the compromise that I had made to my integrity

Bowing to your authority; but that insanity called love took over

v

Like a parasite, you cheated me out of a love that you did not return to me

I looked into the window of your soul and realised that I did not want to be

The host to carry on your genes

v

The song that you sang was not the same as mine

You told me we could work – you just needed more time

To show me that you and I were meant to laugh…

But you were living life on my behalf

v

Like an artist with a brush to paint your lies

The impressionism was convincing for a while

But now the light has changed, things don’t look quite the same

And I know now that we will never be what we could have been

So, I think it’s time to say goodbye

v

And all you have left are those empty words

To console yourself with – now that I

Have painted a new picture where the sun shines free

I do a little sun dance, just for me

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2 Responses to “SST5 Poem Bree…edited”

  1. Sacha Wise May 22, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

    First of all I completely love this poem. Here are my favourite lines/stanzas….

    Sorry if you don’t like my honesty

    But I can’t take your lies

    It might seem like a novelty to you

    To hear the truth sometimes

    My self-esteem hammered down like a nail into my own casket

    / …I did not want to be

    The host to carry on your genes

    But you were living life on my behalf

    Like an artist with a brush to paint your lies

    The impressionism was convincing for a while

    Here are some of the lines I really wanted to fall in love with because I love the concept but for me it just needed a bit more and I explain a bit why I feel like this:

    I used to dance in lightning storms as a kid

    Then, later… I was drawn to the storm in you

    (I felt that storm needed to be taken out of the 1st line to have a better impact in the 2nd line)

    I was cast as your shadow; your emotions projected on to me

    (I felt like there were to many words in the second part of the sentence which loses the impact. I think to have more impact i would have liked to see something like…”I was cast in your shadow; darkened emotions projected”)

    And the light could not reach, for me to be seen

    I was on a different frequency… no one could see

    (Again I feel like there are too many words which loses the impact of the meaning. I would have liked to see something like.. “No light could reach me” or it somehow condensed to be full of impact and punchy)

    Like a parasite, you cheated me out of a love that you did not return to me

    (I love the concept of this line but I think it can be made stronger by removing the cliche of ‘cheating out of love’ – so because the parasite imagery is so strong it would be great to add something that adds to that simile like, for example… “Like a parasite, you sucked out blood that you did not return”)

    I looked into the window of your soul and realised that I did not want to be

    The host to carry on your genes

    (I love the second half of this sentence and the 2nd line but I find the first half to be a cliche so I would love to have something else in there to make it more impactful)

    Bree overall like I said I love the poem a lot and these are all my suggestion which I would do if it was my poem so please do feel free to take or leave them as you like to best suit your poem and the feelings you are trying to portray. Hope this is helpful and this helps with your editing process.

    Sacha x

  2. mouthypoets May 24, 2013 at 11:19 am #

    Hi Bree

    So glad this is up there – YOUR FIRST POEM EVER!!!! Well done! How do you feel about it? And how does it feel to get this all out?

    So here is some feedback that will hopefully help you get to a first draft, the main thing with my feedback is using it to achieve what you want to achieve with the poem. I will give examples which are less for you to copy and paste and more fore you to see an example of the kind of advice I am giving so you can take the same process and make it Bree!

    So here we go…

    LOVE
    -“ I used to dance in lightning storms as a kid
    Then, later… I was drawn to the storm in you”
    ….I really like the magical image of a child dancing in a lightening storm, it is a strong and clear image that tells me a lot of specific things about you. I also like how you use the strength of that to explain so much about this relationship in so little words. In fact, I love these lines so much, how would you feel about starting the poem here and cutting all the lines above? Because before this, I don’t really see any of the things you are saying, they feel vague and I don’t feel or remember them. This is the opposite, it is strong visual and visceral – performance poems need to grab the audience with the first line (to stop them thinking about dinner) – these lines do that 100% and the fact you are writing them in your first poem ever is amazing. Well done.
    -Again, bravo on this line
    “My self-esteem hammered down like a nail into my own casket”
    -It is so good, maybe we should look at getting your title from here. E.g. “Hammering Self-Asteem” or “Nailing Self-Asteem” or something like that? Play with the words, I think you could get something really interesting and profound.

    -Great original use of a usually unoriginal phrase “You coloured my perception black and blue.”

    -I really liked hearing about the research you did into parasites on Friday, could you add some of that imagery into the part where you are talking about being cheated out of love? Maybe replace the cheated with a metaphorical image that represents cheating? Likewise utilize that research to replace the “window to your soul” image as for me this is a cliché and I would like something more accurate and original to replace it.

    -“The host to carry on your genes” is still fantastic!

    -Very interesting and powerful line, I am not sure what it means but it made me feel worried and sad for the relationship “To show me that you and I were meant to laugh…”

    QUESTIONS
    -I am not sure I really understand what is happening in this section…
    “I was cast as your shadow; your emotions projected on to me
    And the light could not reach, for me to be seen
    I was on a different frequency… no one could see
    Or hear the silent screams for you to stop it”
    -Like what is happening, what are you describing and how are the lines connected? Try explaining that to yourself and writing it down in plain English e.g. I am talking about how he did X and Y and Z and that made me feel like blah blah.” Talk about it in real life terms and then I think some of that content could be added to this section to make it clearer to the audience what they need to be feeling and seeing.
    – I don’t understand what this line means or is trying to describe?
    “I fought unconscious enemies in the dark hue of my mind”

    -“But now the light has changed, things don’t look quite the same” … great line and so true in so many ways I think everyone can relate to this idea.

    SUGGESTIONS

    -These lines feel like they are carrying A MASSIVE AMOUNT of content,
    “To admit how I’d failed in the face of such hardship
    Was the hardest compromise I made for you”
    -Failure, Hardship and Compromise are MASSIVE WORDS, they are abstract and untouchable and applied to SOOOOO many things. I could fail to make toast, or go through the hardship of walking home in the rain or compromise on a price to buy a car. Compromising on the price of a car and compromising with your Grandmother to let her sign an order not to resuscitate her next time she has a stroke are two massively different things. Can you replace these big abstract concepts with examples that represent what you mean e.g.
    To admit my own fists gave me this black eye
    To look in the mirror and apply the Sudocream to my face
    To take a photo and send it to you beneath the word “sorry”

    …I have tried to keep the movement but added my own (fictional) detail. Ask yourself, what am I talking about? What kind of failure? What kind of compromise? Just like above you could have said you liked to do crazy stuff when you were small, but you didn’t you said you liked to dance in lightening storms, and I want that kind of concrete detail here (and it doesn’t have to be factual in imagery, just meaning – if it represents the feelings you want to describe, that is factual – if that makes sense?)
    -I would like it if you could do the same thing as described above with the following words; integrity, authority, insanity, cheated & love.
    -Another section that feels like it is carrying SOOOO much content is…
    “And I know now that we will never be what we could have been
    So, I think it’s time to say goodbye”
    -But what does this actually mean? What are you trying to describe/say/ make your audience feel?
    -I love the ending, but I feel like it could tie together the contents of the whole poem better…

    “Say goodbye to storm and the lightening
    Because I have painted a new picture
    where the sun shines free
    where I am doing a little sun dance,
    just for me”
    …… What I have done is added the rain and the storm back in at the end because this is where we started and you are hinting at going back to the image with the dancing and the sun and I think it would be good if that reference was more explicit to give the audience a sense of change and an overall journey. Does that make sense?
    -Lastly, (small nigly thing) there are some redundancies poking around. Do these exercises to understand what they are and how to tackle them, they will help with editing all round so they are all worth doing! (https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/3-editing-exercises-for-stronger-poetry-2/)
    -Some redundancies I have spotted were “the song that you sang,” & “living life.”

    I hope this is helpful – let me know if anything doesn’t make sense and thank you so much for letting me read and comment of this amazing first step in your amazing poetic journey.

    Debs xxx

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