Ingrid and Sacha’s New Updated Piece

25 May

Sacha is in orange… Ingrid is in grey. Feedback plz.

 

Popularity is a roundabout,

Skip around it, you’ll be fine

 

Skip a meal and you’ll be fine

 

And I do it out of fear

 

I did it out of expectation

 

I stood in the way of a spear

that hit me though both arms

And I bled tears for everyone

 

I spoke to no one

Cut out pictures of magazines

And stick them unto myself

 

Each drop help to grow trees

Even the wood in the popular

Island screamed I’m going to be happy:

 

Every calorie screamed eat me

I whispered back saying, shut up

I am going to be super-skinny

 

Even if I’m not now.

Similar to the faces that sit

On bodies around it.

 

For fame women are hungry

Ignoring pain enough

To walk down catwalks

 

Polished well enough to make it seem

Like you can never damage

What is underneath.

 

I was a super-skinny model

eating Magnum ice-cream

 

But they never shot me away

From that outer circle

 

Encircle my bodies with numbers

Weight every morning broke scales

No one understood me

 

Nor. Will. They. Ever.

You, want to be different

Yet you can’t accept those who are

 

I want to be different

I want to be accepted like you are

 

It’s a contradiction that your grades

Don’t match how stupid you act

 

I am the only one with discipline to act

Emptying my body to get rid of this fat

 

Why not try being organic

Rather than damaged and bruised

 

Thinspiration from Tumblr

Bookmarked ideals of pro-anorexia

Decision made: I need to change

 

To match everyone’s hues

I know being popular makes you instantly pretty

like a microwave meal,

Hot in minutes

 

A cracker a day

A cucumber slice

Three olives

Today no butter

 

But being that hot I can see through you

Like the blue roaring Bunsen flame

 

Revision of maths

Is division on the back of a packets

times by addition of sit ups

 

It’s all going to evaporate

Then diffuse so completely

That you can’t hold on to it any more

 

Controlling perfection

I won’t see a mirror

It reflects too much

 

Strip back your clothes like a skin

And all you will see is a heart

 

Within my skeleton

My ribcage sticks out

as protection

 

This is most precious when

Worn on a sleeve

But most ugly when hidden by materials

 

Loosely hanging to be desirable

Until I get a thigh gap

 

It’s going to take a long time to get used to this skin

 

It’s going to take long time to finally be thin

 

I’m going to have to stretch it a lot to finally fit in

 

I’m going to have to shrink a lot to stand out

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5 Responses to “Ingrid and Sacha’s New Updated Piece”

  1. anneholloway May 26, 2013 at 9:52 pm #

    just a quick thought about anorexia- it’s as much about control as being thin – a student once told me that once her family realised what was going on, it lost its appeal- she needed to be in control, of her body, some area of her life. I dare say there are other aspects to it which would be good to include, maybe that would balance well with Ingrid’s character who is in control, not getting pulled into ‘popularity’ – how control can be a positive and a negative?

  2. Sacha Wise May 27, 2013 at 9:03 am #

    Hi Anne, the anorexia I speak about is from my own personal experience when I was younger and which for me was less about trying to be in control than trying to idolise models who were thin and trying to become like that myself to have a sense of achievement and believing discipline in your eating to the extreme was the way to achieve this acceptance of “popularity” within society. I agree some bits could contrast well with Ingrid’s character.

  3. mouthypoets May 27, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

    Hey Sacha & Ingrid,

    I cannot explain to you how happy I am to finally see these pieces spliced together. I have been hearing bits and pieces for a while and Ingrid – your writing has grown so exponentially and unexpectedly for a writer of your age. THAT + Sacha’s dedication, determination and eager ear for feedback is a true combination for education, success and progression. Basically I think this team is the shiz!

    Sorry again that this feedback is coming so late but hopefully it will still be useful, I have tried to make it as practical as possible! To be honest, all my feedback below is line specific, the overal structure is perfect, don’t dramatically change anything it is just about cutting a line out here and ultering a stanza slightly there. Well done…

    LOVE

    -The concept, content, writing and bounce between the two of you reals me into this poem, it makes me excited, it makes me intense it makes me curious and it makes me care. I love the contrast of light and dark between the two of you; the childlike connotations of the roundabout in Ingrids beginning line and then the mental health implications of Sachas. I also love how little is said but how much weight each word and line has. There is some great editing going on here, it feels like every word, every line has the weight of 10 because you are focusing on the suggested and implied rather than the explicit. AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING.

    -I love how you share rhymes, this makes them feel more expensive and is another platform for your dialogue to connect on.

    -The contrast of metaphorical imagery and literal imagery works together brilliantly for example, a spear through the arms/ cutting images out of magazines.

    -When you use specificity, the balance of it is often comic yet profound and I love that – “I was a super-skinny model/ eating Magnum ice-cream.”

    -These lines SMASHES the poem! Make the most of it in performance:
    “It’s a contradiction that your grades

    Don’t match how stupid you act”

    -I like how you are suggesting social media is playing a role but without telling me you think you – just using language to imply it. Its clever and balanced…
    “Thinspiration from Tumblr

    Bookmarked ideals of pro-anorexia

    Decision made: I need to change”

    -YOU GOT BARS!!!!
    “I know being popular makes you instantly pretty

    like a microwave meal,

    Hot in minutes”

    -It’s clever how this section “A cracker a day/ A cucumber slice…” initiates a real change in pace, this is important because the piece is long and there is a lot of back and forthing between you, so there needs to be a sense of a journey for the audience to follow and this part feels like the tention is really coming to ahead and I enjoy that – think about how you can play with that in performance?

    QUESTIONS
    -I am not sure what this section means…
    “Each drop help to grow trees

    Even the wood in the popular

    Island screamed I’m going to be happy”

    -I am not sure what this section means…(When is now, and what is it?)
    “Even if I’m not now.

    Similar to the faces that sit

    On bodies around it.”

    -I don’t really understand this one either…

    “Controlling perfection

    I won’t see a mirror

    It reflects too much”

    ….I think above, rhyme and rhythm are taking over sense. Go through each line and ask yourself – what am I giving the audience? What images/ feelings and how are they moving? What thread do they need to follow and why? I have a sense of something here but it is difficult to follow and as a result it is slightly jarring but I think with some very slight clarifications it will be as powerful as the rest of the text. I feel that the solution probably lies in specificity.

    SUGGESTIONS
    -Every once in a while, a cliche or unoriginal phrase slips in to this otherwise remarkably original piece of writing. Here is some lines/sections I would like you to address; “And I bled tears for everyone,” “Every calorie screamed eat me/ I whispered back saying, shut up/ I am going to be super-skinny,” “For fame women are hungry,” “And all you will see is a heart,” “This is most precious when/ Worn on a sleeve.” (With this last heart imagery, I actually think the skin imagery is so strong it is worth trying to cut out the heart altogether and focus on the skin/clothes metaphor and utilise that alone as the ending).

    (If you need a reminder or how to tackle cliches when editing, go here – https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/3-editing-exercises-for-stronger-poetry-2/)

    -I would cut this line… the other lines are doing the same thing but stronger: “To match everyone’s hues”

    I hope you find this useful!?

    Debris x

  4. Sacha Wise May 27, 2013 at 5:38 pm #

    Thank you Debris! This is great constructive, feedback, Ingrid and I will come together and apply this. Appreciated! Sacha

  5. mouthypoets May 27, 2013 at 9:14 pm #

    You’re welcome! I hope it is helpful when it comes to sitting down and moving forward. D x

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