Closure (In three parts) – Joshua Judson

27 May

Hi and sorry.

yes I do intend on speaking the bits in bold. It makes sense in my head, let me know if you think it would work or not 🙂

 

 

 

 

Closure 

In Three parts

 

 

 

Part One: Closure Eyes.

 

 

The Starbucks in which we first kissed is now a Noodle Bar.

 

Side by side,

with that stinging smell 

of overpriced coffee

following us up the stairs,

 

we sat and exchanged books.

 

In your battered copy of Catcher In The Rye,

I’d scribbled in pencil

my sentiments. ‘I

think you’re beautiful.’

 

Hoping you’d flick through 

and know.

 

You didn’t.

 

You still don’t.

 

I like to think that, one day, you’ll read it again

and see

and remember

 

But the Starbucks in which we first kissed is now a Noodle Bar.

 

We kissed against a backdrop

of garish, faux modern Art.

 

Superimposed, with 

coffee shop Jazz trickling down

our shoulders.

 

It was too good to be true

and I had a bus to catch

so,

looking back 

with every clumsy, love-drunk step,

I left.

 

‘We should do this again

sometime.’

 

The Starbucks in which we first kissed is now a Noodle Bar.

 

 

 

 

Part Two: Closure Mouth

 

 

You would only call me

when you were angry

or drunk.

 

When you weren’t yourself.

 

And the Starbucks in which we first kissed is now a Noodle Bar.

 

‘Holden Caulfield is so annoying’,

you said,

‘because he never says 

what he means.’

 

All I had to say

in reply was

 

‘Where do the ducks go in the winter?’

 

The Starbucks in which we first kissed is now a Noodle Bar.

 

 

 

Part Three: Closure Mind

 

 

190 miles is a long way.

and I don’t think you can look back that far. 

 

The Starbucks in which we first kissed is now a Noodle Bar.

 

The poems that once

poured from me

have now dried up.

 

When your pond froze over

I had nowhere to go

 

So I made my bed

on your frosty surface.

 

Spread eagled,

I prayed for the thaw.

So that I might fall into your

faults and flaws.

 

Trapped under the ice and at one.

 

The other day,

you text me ‘hi’

and by the time 

five messages 

had passed between us,

 

It was ‘goodbye’.

 

Your empty coffee cup collides

with it’s saucer

 

and we’re back.

 

Everything changes 

and we can’t go back because

 

The Starbucks in which we first kissed is now a Noodle Bar.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Closure (In three parts) – Joshua Judson”

  1. mouthypoets May 28, 2013 at 11:57 am #

    Hey Joshua,

    Glad you have got this new one up! Amazing amazing stuff, I am really loving your writing style, it is confident, per formative but also well read. I think this is really near a first draft so please take all my feedback on a detailed level; change a word here, cut a line there, suffle some line breaks there. I am 100% happy with the length, the content and the overall wordage of this poem…

    LOVE

    -What an amazing first line; “The Starbucks in which we first kissed is now a Noodle Bar.” … I love the specificity, the movement of it and the connotations of the imagery and the change. Give this line the punch it deserves when it comes to performance?

    -Great use of line breaks to mirror movement,
    “Side by side,
    with that stinging smell
    of overpriced coffee
    following us up the stairs,”

    -I love the story, the way in unfolds with your delicately structures line breaks and freeverse. The movement up the stairs, to the book, the writing in the book and then swiftly too now – the noodle bar. The use of repetition is brave and effective.
    -Verbs drive a poem forward exactly how you want them too, they can work in a lot of directions. Yours are often really strongl trickling, scribble, flick, stinging, exchanged… etc. They are often simply, but they feel considered and layered. There are however some that I think are worth popping in a thesaurus and checking they are the best work you could choose for your purpose; following, battered, looking, annoying, dried up & prayed, trapped. I wonder if there is a way you could root Starbucks and the Noodly Bar subtly into some of these? E.g.
    So that I might gulp down your
    faults and flaws.
    Thermosed under the ice and at one.

    ….Only subtly, but I think this could subconsciously give the refrain more power for the reader, in a similar way to how bringing it back to the cup and saucer does so nicely in your ending.

    -I love your dialogue, it is so Hemmingway. I like the way it flits between subjects in a very human way… ‘Where do the ducks go in the winter?’
    -I really like you carry over the duck migration line and how you extend that metaphor to slow down the pace of the poem into an ending.
    -I like how you rhyme, it is innovative, original, rhythmically tailored and driven by meaning, e.g.
    “I prayed for the thaw.
    So that I might fall into your
    faults and flaws.”

    -The way you use concrete details to create movement in the emotional narrative is clever and easy to connection with. E.g.
    “and by the time
    five messages
    had passed between us,”

    QUESTIONS

    -Have you thought about how you are going to perform this piece? I think movement will be important to map out the three parts and give the specificity of the lines the impact they are worth.

    -I really like what you have done with the line breaks. I am interested in how you have chosen then? I’d also like to set you a challenge, have you tried attempting to put this poem in the opposite – a ridged structure? Why don’t you try putting this poem in consistent stanza’s with similar line lengths – in a new word documents – just to play and challenge yourself. I think it could push you to be more concise in areas and it is also a good skill to learn because a lot of publishers prefer symmetrical poetry, and your poetry is nearing good enough to be submitting competitions and talking to publishers. I have had a play below so you can see the kind of effect it might have…

    The Starbucks where we first
    kissed is now a Noodle Bar.
    Side by side: that stinging smell
    of overpriced coffee following us

    up the stairs, we sat and exchanged
    books. In your battered copy
    of Catcher In The Rye, I’d scribbled
    in pencil my sentiments.

    ‘I think you’re beautiful.’
    Hoping you’d flick through
    and know. You didn’t. You still don’t.
    I like to think that, one day,

    ….Obviously it is doing something different and I am not saying use this or change it because it works very successfully as it is but I do think this will challenge you to use less words in places, utilise punctuation more and also challenge yourself to manipulate your work into a new form – one that will hopefully serve you professionally in the future. Finally, I think the way you say the refrain (repeated line) needs to grow, sometimes it feels chucked in. Think about how it is changing, why you are saying it – I think playing with line breaks could support you in doing this.
    -I don’t understand this section? …
    “and we’re back.

    Everything changes
    and we can’t go back because”
    …My gut instinct is – cut it – because the showing around it is strong enough to hold the ending. Maybe something like this…
    Your empty coffee cup collides
    with my saucer inside
    The Starbucks where we first kissed
    Which is now a Noodle bar.

    SUGGESTIONS

    -I really like the opening lines, “Closure/ In Three Parts.” I feel like people will get it but also feel excited and interested to see where you take it. I am not so sure about the subtitles to Part One etc, it feels like two many words. How about…
    Part One: Eyes

    Part Two: Mouthy Poets

    Part Three: Mind
    …There word closure is already there at the beginning, I don’t think you need to say it over and over again.

    -I feel like this section is less original and detailed than the rest of the poem…
    “We kissed against a backdrop
    of garish, faux modern Art.”
    ….I want the specificity you have given me everywhere else. E.g,
    We kissed against Ikea wallpaper,
    Next to a painting of a beach-ball.
    …Ask yourself, what kind of wall represents this moment? What painting? If the painting is generic and fake, describe the one painting that represents that?
    -Likewise as above, what song represents coffee shop Jazz? E.g,
    Superimposed, with
    Coffee shop Ella Fitzgerald trickling down
    Our shoulders.
    …Can you see the difference? It draws a more tangible picture for the audience to build in their minds.
    -Some other sections where I think you could be more specific; “when you weren’t yourself,”
    -Cliché’s/ unoriginal phrases I would like you to address; “It was too good to be true,” “looking back,” “with every clumsy, love-drunk step,” “The poems that once/ poured from me/ have now dried up.” “spread eagled”

    (if you want support in learning how to tackle them look here… https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/3-editing-exercises-for-stronger-poetry-2/)

    I hope this is helpful!
    Debris

  2. anneholloway May 28, 2013 at 12:50 pm #

    I can’t wait to see you perform this. Great first line. I agree with Debs on a lot of what she says, especially the bit about the sub titles, I don’t think you need to say ‘closure’ every time – eyes mouth mind would do.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: