Not sure about a title yet..

28 May

By Chumbeh

Sitting at this soggy bench

staring at my crushed knuckles

How did it lead to this?

 

The glimpse of rain down my cheek

tears blocking my view

 

Flashes of my smile this morning

When i was filled with possibility

i knew the probability. i didn’t care

because it happened!! it happened!!

 

Any chance of disappointment:

overshadowed

 

Hours went by

people walking past with their lingering shadows

Faces reflecting sympathy

Whispering soothing words

Confusion started roaming through my brain

Retracing whispered words

I am sorry Chumbeh

It won’t happen

 

Anger, disappointment, resentment

started to feed from my blood stream

regret flushed through my head

how could i have been so stupid?

 

Scream urges in my throat

trying to forget the impossible chance i had

distancing myself from the one person, i wanted to share with

 

Being around him

made me feel disconnected

i didn’t like myself around him

everything was changing

i was changing, not the way i wanted

its funny how you can lose yourself so fast

 

I remember being told once

acceptance is the outcome without

shame, guilt , fear

 

life is unfair

its here to be battled with

so be ready to fight

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One Response to “Not sure about a title yet..”

  1. mouthypoets May 30, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

    Hey Chumbeh,

    So glad you have finally got this up! And great to see you working on something so diligently and honestly, I really appreciate that and I think it has come out in the hight standard of this work. Well done.

    As always my feedback is detailed but I don’t want you to change anything massive to this poem, it is just a word or a few lines there rather than a over-haul! I really loved it so I hope this is helpful…

    LOVE

    -What an amazing first line!!!!! I love it, the description of a bench as soggy is original and accurate and sensory. The description of knuckles as crushed creates a sense of tension and anger and that we are sitting somewhere post-event. You have told us so much in just one line!

    -You have done some really delicate linguistic things to innovate clichéd images, for example, “The glimpse of rain down my cheek/ tears blocking my view.” The fact you have mixed the rain with the tears and visually blurred what water is what is real and emotional and I love it! I also think the ‘tears blocking my view’ carries an emotional as well as a literal weight, they do physically block your view but crying also makes it hard to be rational and therefore know what is really going on in front of you. Well done!
    -The ambiguity of the event is intriguing and I think next to the concrete images of the bench and the tears it works really well. The audience/reader don’t always need to KNOW what is going on, they just need to FEEL it and I can feel this.

    -I think the ending is BRILLIANT!!!! So strong that I want less of it, if that makes sense? To make it more concise. So I would cut this section “seeing him brought sorrow to my eyes… (until) … what I could have been” … because I think the rest says that but stronger!

    QUESTIONS

    -I am not sure what is happening here? “i never thought just ONE OBJECT…(until) …how could i have been so stupid?”
    ….Try writing bullet points of what is actually happening in the narrative i.e.
    -I never thought a car could kill someone
    -why did I listen to that taxi driver?
    … obviously that is not what you are talking about but I just need bullet points literally explaining what is happening.
    …I then think if you add some of that clear content to this section it will help your reader not get lost in the emotion. Does that make sense?

    SUGGESTIONS

    -I have done something a bit controversial. I have edited the first half of your poem myself. Mainly because I felt it was 95% finished, there were just too many words. You can say a lot with space, line breaks, stanza’s and the unsaid. For example, I feel ‘everything felt empty, questions in my thoughts’ is already said in the line above – through the beautiful image. You don’t need to show me and tell me, the image is strong enough.

    Try reading the edit below (without focusing on what I have changed, just read it out loud and see what difference it has made). Then look at what you want to change and play with and what you want to keep. Also think about what you can learn from this process with a focus on…

    1. How stanza’s (paragraphs), line breaks and punctuation can act in the place of extra words and give the words more meaning.
    2. How reordering the words or images in a sentence/section can make it clearer to follow.
    3. How an image can stand alone without an explanation….

    Sitting at this soggy bench.
    Staring at my crushed knuckles.
    How did it lead to this?

    The glimpse of rain down my cheek,
    tears blocking my view.
    Flashes of my smile this morning

    When I was filled with possibility
    I knew the probability. I didn’t care
    Because it happened!! It happened!!

    Any chance of disappointment:
    overshadowed.

    -What do you think?

    I hope this has been some kind of helpful?

    Debris

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