Kicking things off for SST6!

30 Nov

So I’m thinking this one is a bit too long to perform. I got an edit I was finally happy with done recently, so thought I’d share it anyway – it fits the theme at least! (And some people have been asking about it, so…)


The Night Jimmy Got Laid


Jimmy Marr was sweet nineteen

He stood at five foot one

But every nightclub night out

He ended on his one

Until one fateful Easter

The night forever stayed

Remained in people’s memories as

The night Jimmy got laid


It started out so normally

He met up with his mates

A toilet-standard local bar

A shithole of a place

When amidst the beards, and the booze

And all the ale kegs

He saw a face that raised a bone

Inside his trouser leg


She had the blondest Barbie hair

She wore the pinkest dress

She had a most toned up physique

She bore two perfect breasts

Jimmy’s mate went up to her

For all of her drinks paid

All she had to do tonight

Was get poor Jimmy laid


First she laughed, then she blushed

But poor Jimmy blushed more

As she led him by the hand

Down to the dance floor

Necking free drinks at the bar

The pair got rather drunk

She was doing Gangnam Style

Whilst Jimmy kept to funk


But she needed a cash machine

Some money of her own

After all, Jimmy’s mates wouldn’t

Fund their taxi home

They left the club, went down the street

When some youths appeared

All their arses hanging out

Still brought Jimmy to tears


Just before the gang attacked

Their saviour jumped in

A bulky man who clearly spent

Too much time at the gym

The plastic hoodies ran away

The man backed down the street

The blonde chased after him at speed

He’d swept her off her feet


Knowing that he’d just been ditched

Jimmy stood alone

As the heavens opened up

He fumbled for his phone

He sent a text to both his mates

Took shelter nearby

A goth girl came and joined him as

He awaited their replies


Neither of them said a word

Until ten minutes hence

She broke up the silence first

To make the still less tense

The rain continued crashing down

As Jimmy told his tale

The goth girl nearly pissed herself

At such an epic fail


Just then, a black car pulled up

And invited her inside

And sympathetic to the guy

She brought him for the ride

Jimmy introduced himself

Sat quiet in the back

The car shot off, using roads

Like Montenegro tracks


Jimmy smelt a scent of weed

Amidst the other thrills

The goth girl crawled back next to him

And offered him some pills

He told her he didn’t do drugs

Respectfully declined

She told him that was his problem

He couldn’t chill his mind


She handed drinks to Jimmy

More so than he’d have liked

And after a half a dozen down

She told him they’d been spiked

She cackled romantically

As he began to freak

He could barely find the words

As she licked up his cheek


His heart was racing frantically

His heart was racing fast

His eyes were blinking suddenly

His heart was racing fast

And the goth girl was laughing

And Jimmy could swear

That at some point the driver caught some air

But Jimmy didn’t care

And at some point, the rain stopped, because he found himself on a street urinating up a wall, and then running somewhere.

Anywhere. Jimmy didn’t care.

And he was just dancing and smoking the night away, with no part of his heartache left to say, display or stay on the street.

As he found his feet again

Poor Jimmy looked round

No familiar faces now

Even in this crowd-ed room


He was in a nightclub now

And he’d lost everyone

Just as every club night out

He’d ended on his one

But not tonight, Jimmy thought

Not after all that

Tonight’s the night he was to prove

More than a virgin prat


He scoured all the bodies til

His eyes found a brunette

He stared at her across the room

Until both their eyes met

He walked across and pulled her close

Pushed his chest to hers

Feigned a kiss with nervous lips

Hands shaking on her curves


Her sharp blue eyes were bright alight

They promised him the world

Then she promptly turned away

To get off with a girl

Muscled men strutted over

Asked him to come to play

Jimmy shook his head sadly

And said he wasn’t gay


Only at that moment then

Did the penny drop

Man on man, girl on girl

Too many pink tops

The realisation dawned quick

For poor young Jimmy Marr

He shot straight out into the night

To onwards and afar


Crack of dawn came peeping up

Jimmy headed home

To stop for one last hopeless drink

To toast his life alone

When in that empty bar was there

An older woman sat

Middle-aged and worried, with

A coat and fancy hat


The two sat drinking silently

Until ten minutes hence

Jimmy broke the silence first

To make the still less tense

She said that she was lonely

Sad of getting old

Jimmy put his arm round her

Two strangers in the cold


He felt a real connection

Jimmy felt he cared

He asked so seriously

If she would take him upstairs

The solitary woman laughed

At such an easy thing

Raised her left hand to the light

To show a glinting ring


She smiled as she saw the boy

Defeated and ashamed

This made her feel young again

As part of Cupid’s game

She slowly raised herself back up

And said that they were done

‘Just as every man’ she said

‘Your sexy time will come.’


Both of his mates’ texts came through

In dewdrop morning sun

Demanding knowledge of the deed

If he had had some fun

Jimmy only weakly grinned

Rid of pressure glad

He responded assuredly

That indeed he had


And so in people’s memories

That night forever stayed

The only evening to this day

Jimmy ever got laid

But every nightclub night out hence

In every weekend slum

Jimmy relaxed, remembering that one day,

His sexy time would come!


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