Larnelle’s sst6 poem

20 Dec

Not a complete poem. Please ask questions. And feedback will be much appreciated thanks you.

Possible piece -no name as yet

My early memories of paradise
last views of Plymouth’s serria sundown
first encounters of pyroclastic apocalyptic hammers. Thundering on Sinful. Desolate.
Dust masks and torches instead of break time cricket bat and ball.
tree climbs and foraging for Evacuation drills
My first day grade one kinsale school. Easy tropical breeze.
Second week grade two pressure.
Math problems become life or death right answer or wrong, the fear of wrong
Belts weren’t waisted, teacher swung them. Pains of wrong sparks
Third month grade three. Chaos
July 25th 1997
Chances peak’s spit leaked the mountains drooled.
Baked brimstones eject scud missiles
Ash clouds umbrellas
Didn’t shelter from the hail.
3pm Salem my reebok heigh tops screech to Scottie pipen type groves
Show and prove afternoon basketball.
The sky grew dark the sun didn’t shine
Evacuation alarms chimes deafened by the grim judgement of God’s fury.
5pm Salem school hall.
My heart was over ticking sweat and fear grip squeezed the storm is upon us.
The windy silence galling
The projectiles the sulphur the ash.
Dusk maskes
6pm cork hill.
My last memories of my childhood home. My first steps
My early words waves away by the silent wind

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3 Responses to “Larnelle’s sst6 poem”

  1. Ste December 23, 2013 at 6:54 pm #

    Alright there boss, as I said before I really like this. I think the imagery is really powerful in it’s simplicities – no need for metaphors or nowt cuz you’re hitting the nail perfect as is. I think even if the listener is unaware of Soufrière Hills they would still take a lot from this poem because you are building the image so well with the words (and your flow when you recite it). I do wonder whether or not including some sort of short introduction explaining events might be beneficial for the audience, but I dunno. Just something simple like a projection with two sentences perhaps. As I say I think it’s going good as is but I’m just trying to think of different ideas. Actually I now hate the idea of an introduction. Flippancy, I apologise. Although a background image with a Montserrat scene might be nice. Or is that smacking the audience over the head with what it’s about…I don’t know.

    As you know I wrote a poem on the same subject (without the personal experience obviously). Well done on fitting ‘pyroclastic’ in so quick haha – too good a word not to use (I did too). Actually, on that point maybe reword that line – the “pyroclastIC apocolyptIC” rolls a little clumsy for me, like you’re flogging the similarities of the words on me too overtly. Personally I’m not sure I like that. Off the top of my head, “first encounters of pyroclastic hammers. Apocalypse thundering Sinful” is an idea, that way the similarities of the words are more implied than throttled. Just a thought.

    Look forward to the next draft. Peace.

  2. anneholloway December 31, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

    So much in this, I can hear you speaking it, and I really want to hear you deliver it in a variety of different ways.
    I’m kind of with steve on the dilemma about an intro! it matters to me that the audience know where it is about and what it is about. You put so much into each sentence and the language is very evocative that I think that sometimes we don’t hear the meaning because it sounds so damn good!
    I wonder if there is a way of adding a stanza at the beginning to set the scene a bit before you launch into the action – I know the action itself is in slo-mo, which is really effective, so maybe there is something you can do with varying the pace? Maybe the scene setting of the idyllic island before the disaster could be fast moving, kids playing cricket, show me a bit about your life before it all got turned upside down? Then contrast it with the step by step depiction of the losing of that?

  3. Adam Broome January 10, 2014 at 1:49 pm #

    I would probably go for a vague intro – ‘this is a poem about an event during my school years that impacted me in ___ way’.’ Could hook the audience in as to what the poem is about, and engage them before the opening stanza.

    I really like the use of the numerical year grades going up as the time moves along. ‘Easy tropical breeze’ – LOVE that line! When talking about the maths problems, I’m not keen on the three uses of the word ‘wrong’ – perhaps have a look at other words, rhyming or otherwise (although this ultimately depends on how you plan to deliver it!)

    I think a ‘bassy’ ambience track could complement this as well, especially when you quote the date!

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