My ideas for say sumthin – Pegah :)

20 Dec

Hi so i have 2 poems that i’ve written that i would like to work on and perform on say sumthin but im not too sure which one 🙂

1)  Untitled:

I’m a kind of girl that gets attached easily, 

A type of girl that translate I love you to I like you, 

A type of girl that cry’s over a hi or a bye, 

A type of girl that would cover her self in paint to paint her dream, 

A girl with big dreams and an empty heart,

A girl whose always talking but shes never been heard, 

A girl with a direction of wind floating in the air,

A girl who never left her heart open because it hurt her too much to say goodbye. 

She never understood the ‘connection’ they had, 

She never misunderstand their ‘feelings’. 

Her memory was lost every time she didn’t speak up, 

Every time she tried to remember, 

Every time she had her eyes open like it was the sun blinding her every time she tried to look up. 

She was loosing hope, 

loosing him, 

loosing every memory of her and him. 

She felt like she was the one to blame. 

It cut her like a knife when he locked her out of his sight. 

He brought tornado and pain with his voice,

He brought life and death with his actions,

She was drowning in every breath in between,  

She was crying inside. 

She was the never endless heart beats that kept him alive. 

She was the one to blame.

 

2) Untitled:

I take it all back,

All that I said,

It came out too fast and meaningless.

I couldn’t help how I felt.

I kept it all in.

I never said anything about us.

I always faked a smile,

A laughter,

A joke,

A prank to cover up how I felt.

But last night wasn’t just an argument,

A disagreement,

It was all I had,

All the locked doors in my heart got broken in pieces,

My heart burst open, naked in front of you and you heard things that made no sense to you but to me they were my darkest secrets,

I couldn’t show or tell you how much you meant to me 

And how much I love you,

My tears were unexplainable ,

They stopped be seeing,

Hearing,

Speaking,

Even breathing.

The tears took away my voice to say I need you,

They stopped me,

Gasping for air like someone was pressing down on my chest like you were crushing down my presence.

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4 Responses to “My ideas for say sumthin – Pegah :)”

  1. mouthypoets December 22, 2013 at 12:31 am #

    I quite like both picies thought about possibly combining both ?.neal

  2. mouthypoets December 22, 2013 at 12:31 am #

    I quite like both picies thought about possibly combining both ?.neal

  3. anneholloway December 31, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

    I’d really like you to work more on the first poem, for me the second one can fall too easily into cliche. There seems to be a lot of contradictions in the first poem, so I’d like you to work more on that and also maybe free write about who she really is, so that you can work some specificity into the piece, at the moment I feel like you’re just brushing across the surface no I want to get inside her head. I like the shape of the poem and the pace of it.

  4. Adam Broome January 10, 2014 at 1:35 pm #

    I like both pieces, but I feel more drawn to the first one, as I really like the structure of ‘I’m a girl who ____ , I’m a girl who ____ . (You could get a really killer final line with this set up – one that could completely twist the audience’s perceptions of the poem!)
    Avoid repeating ‘bye’ in the first half, although it could definitely be fun to play with rhymes in a poem like this (dunno if that’s your thing, but never hurts to play about!) I think start with simple things, but then talk about more complex things later on, and make the contrast between the two halves clear. You could also perhaps incorporate the story you’re telling into separate individual lines?

    Eg:
    I’m the girl who loses hope
    I’m the girl who thinks she is to blame
    The girl who never understood the feelings they had
    Who misunderstood the connections they’d made

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