Ss6 draft repost

1 Jan

Been told to repost this as it apprently wouldn’t let anyone comment on it .

this is about a person very close to me well who was close to me its currnlty nameless hered a slightlyedited version  would love feedback will give it back thanks

 

Nea

I loved the way our hands perfectly fit in each others I loved that we could talk for hours about nothing or mainly about how alike JD i am and how alike Elliott you are how we used to just lay there listening to music in each other’s arms and skypeing each other doing funny faces mostly me putting my putting my tongue out being all grotesque and horrible I loved our trips to the zoo just to see the penguins spending hours just watching the penguins then walk to Camden market for Chinese In pouring rain shelterd underneath a shelter near the lock in the dark with with hoodies up .then back to yours to eat ice cream and watch scrubs and drink whisky like it was going out of fashion then decide to drunkenly go for a walk In the nearby park I will never forget that kiss on a bench in horrible march rain that kiss just tasted of whisky and longing for each other even we only met a month before this. we had so many trips and so many holidays planned like going to watch the northern lights go by and riding alongside huskies in the glorious Swedish coldness many where never going to happen it’s nice to dream sometimes I suppose .I miss your hair that changed from a light browny color that looked like lovely chocolate brownies to Hayley Williams like orange hair and the way you quoted paramore at me most days I’m our texts and phonecalls with quotes such as you are my only exception neal I love you more than anyone else I ever met and my heart only beats for you it’s a horrible cliche I really don’t want to use it but in this case love truly tore us apart or I tore us apart both of really you where always there for me even if I wasn’t always there for you yeah we had our ups and our downs was like a ride at Alton towers but in real life opening in 2014 the neal and Lu ride with more corkscrews and dips than you shake the worlds biggest stick at i loved most things about you mainly your caring loving nature and your love of music mainly heavy stuff and the way we constantly trolled each other calling each other’s music tastes of clothes I think one day you called me a hipster all day cause of my skinny jeans and brightly coloured hoody and I kept you calling you a moody goth .im sorry I had to end this I’m even more sorry you wanted to move up to be with me in Nottingham you where planning to move your whole life 200 miles away just to be with me I love you for that .we are intense people horribly intense so intense that when I go out I had to leave my phone at home or give it to a friend as it was like a angry snake In my pocket I felt guilty that I felt good when I didn’t talk to you but sometimes I needed to forget you just enjoy myself and dance somebody would break soon it was me sorry it was but I can barely cope with my own ailments mainly anxiousness and paranoia .I’m sorry some part of me still loves you I’m trying to forget you I don’t want to forget you but it might be easier if I do forget you

 

 

 

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One Response to “Ss6 draft repost”

  1. secondannene January 1, 2014 at 6:45 pm #

    I like the flow of this and you use repetition, ‘our trips to the zoo to see the penguins, spending hours just watching penguins’ I’d like more of this, I also think that would mirror the way you speak, so make your patterns of speech part of the poem, because the thing I like about your writing and performance is your determination to tell us what you want to tell us, to hell with a stutter, you just keep on at it, it also emphasises some of the words and feelings.
    I would prefer it if you simplified some of the description, so just say: Chocolate browny hair
    I don’t know who some of the people are that you reference which makes me go, “uh?” Can you change that, without losing the specificity?
    I really feel the intensity of feeling when you have to leave your phone at home so you can’t contact each other- could you start with this?
    I think it would be interesting to change the order of some of this to see how that works, so it’s not a straight forward chronological account.
    I also think that some of the detail is so personal to you, almost like a free write, maybe go back to it and see if you want all of this in here?
    But I like the feeling of you venting, it really comes across as full of feeling. I know you say, it’s such a cliche, but it still jars when I read it… maybe try it without or have a whole string of them in there?

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