Larnelle 1st edit ss6

10 Jan

My early memories of paradise
My First time at Surge park
School athletics championship
rival chants bomb blast across the stadium. Vendor’s queues spring up like boiling geysers. Drink stalls pour cherry red punches in all assortments of colours and flavours
The fresh scents of bustling shapes and vehicles slides to the rhythms and sounds of labour day madness. St Patricks it’s fertile land blossoms milk and honey. It’s Waterfalls and hot springs nestled under chance’s peaks mouth.
June 18th 1995
My first encounters of pyroclastic apocalyptic hammers. Thundering on Sinful. Desolate.
Dust masks and torches instead of break time cricket bat and ball.
tree climbs and foraging for Evacuation drills
My first day grade one kinsale school. Easy tropical breeze.
Second week grade two pressured gales.
Math problems become life or death right answer or wrong, the fear of wrong
Belts weren’t waisted, teacher swung them. Pains of wrong sparks
Third month grade three. Chaos
July 25th 1997
Chances peak’s spit leaked the mountains drooled.
Baked brimstones eject scud missiles
Ash clouds umbrellas
Didn’t shelter from the hail.
Earlier 12:30pm Salem school my reebok heigh tops screech to Scottie pipen type groves
Show and prove afternoon basketball.
out of bound play bounced to my pulse as…
Evacuation alarms chimes deafened by the grim judgement of God’s fury.
5pm on a grey and winding road between yesterday as somewhere else.

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2 Responses to “Larnelle 1st edit ss6”

  1. Anne January 11, 2014 at 10:30 am #

    There’s much more clarity to this for me now, a kind of chronology that helps me understand it more.
    I don’t quite get ‘belts weren’t waisted, teacher swung them’ I thought this was to do with escaping from the eruption, then I thought it was about the teacher taking the belt to the kids?
    I think now you’ve structured it the way you have people will realise what it’s about, so you won’t need an intro. They will I think be listening to the poem and the words and when you say the date it will all start to fall into place for them.

  2. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 8:02 pm #

    Hi Larnelle,

    It’s great to see you hitting (some) deadlines, would be great to see you a bit more in sessions so we can work on the performance side to. Especially keen to get a 1-1 with you – there is a doodle poll I the behind the scenes Facebook I would really like to see you fill out ASAP?

    On this poem – have you got an updated version you would like me to look at or is this it? As I am not sure where you are at on this piece, I will give you some very loose feedback encase I don’t get to look at it again. Also it would be worth reminding yourself of these key editing links when refining this piece, this info will also add more detail to the feedback I am giving you below… – https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/3-editing-exercises-for-stronger-poetry-2/ // https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/15-points-to-editing-success/

    LOVE
    -your uses of verbs in here, e.g.; bomb, boil, spring, bustling etc.

    -really flavoursome use of specificity, your objects are doing a lot of work to set the scene and that feels really sophisticated and concise, e.g.; St Patricks, June 18th 1995, cherry red punch etc.

    -I like the way you break up your intensely sensory description with steaks in the ground – concrete times and events e.g. June 18th or first day of primary.

    -really like the way the pace picks up in the grade section, really concrete and contrasting and then again cut it with a stake of a new date, maintaining a clear sense of progression in the narrative.


    QUESTION
    -I am not sure what this section means…

    My first encounters of pyroclastic apocalyptic hammers. Thundering on Sinful. Desolate.
    Dust masks and torches instead of break time cricket bat and ball.

    It sounds lovely! But from a meaning perspective, think about your reader, what are you giving the and in what order? What is actually happening? Make that clearer, challenge one below I think will help you to do that. I also think the last section is hard to follow, so ouuo could do with goi through the same process of imagining yourself as your reader and cleaning up the sense of movement- what is actually happening and is that or a sense of that clear?

    CHALLENGES
    Redundancies / form
    I feel like through a lot of this you use more words than you need to and this could be tackled by playing around with a more ridged stanza formation. Think of each stanza as a unit of meaning (this will help you work out the number of lines in each stanza you want to stick with) e.g:

    Early memories of paradise.

    First time at Surge park –
    school athletics championship;
    rival chants bomb across stadium,
    vendor queues boil up like geyser,
    stalls pour cherry red punch.

    Fresh bustling vehicles slide to rhythms
    of labour day madness. St Patricks
    blossoms milk, honey, waterfalls,
    hot springs, nestled under chance’s peaks.
    June 18th 1995.

    -Analyse this and notice the words I have cut, how I have reordered and condensed things so that you just give the reader/audience a sensory attack. This form pushes you to refine, I challenge you to edit the rest of this poem into 5 line stanzas; think about your line breaks, cut out unnecessary words/syllables/lines and think of each stanza as a new unit (image, action, person etc.)

    Hope this helps and I see you soon,
    Debris

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