This Is How The Night Was Made (Draft2) by Honey Williams (SST6, Commission Show)

18 Jan

This Is How The Night Was Made.

Poem/Song Written by Honey Williams

[THE NIGHT SECTION: 1]

The Lord of the night had the darkness wrapped in a handkerchief; this is how the night was made.

‘She invented the night by accident

When her press-studs could no longer contain her double ff’s

A handkerchief was laid across her chest mopping up her carnal desires & envious glares

The insatiable night grew from there

Night lit cityscapes sprouted from her bra straps

Electricity from the clasps

Distant DNB sub bass embroidered into the lace

Dreams now awake in the jet-black of her lingerie

Encrusted with stars, whispers, leather and other sexy things

Shadows of panthers in voodoo trances prowled around her areolas where bedtime stories used to lay.

First Monsters, then Criminals & nobheads and other reprobates later desecrated the sacrosanct of the night

Unmarked Blacked out Undercover BM’s lurking in beads of rain shimmered the floors sovereinity

Curses sullied the soul of her gusset,

Fox Howls of deceit switchbladed gashes down the silk of her hold ups

DAYLIGHT SECTION: Unwritten

The Day/Daylight (written from the perspective of The Lord of The Night) *Freewrite*:the day is hell

all my dreams are asleep in the day
i banished the day to reside in hell for all eternity but everyday it comes back to haunt me
today everything is falling down
i want to mow them all down
office workers white van men chavs
mow them all down
no no no no thats too quick
i want to track down all the culprits
i tried memorise a few number plates a few faces
round them up and have them not shot but humiliated
have their d*** sizes tattooed on their heads
every nook and cranny of my flaws are on display for all to see
the days sunbeams annoyingly beat me about the face and Im meant to be happy about this?

sung:

……Sometimes I cry

Sometimes I die for 12 hours

right now I am the lord of the night

[Note: I still wanna be Grace Jones and Eartha Kitt-like when performing the night part]

The feedback I’ve gotten thus far will be really helpful I just haven’t had time to implement it all.

Questions I know that I need to ask myself are.

  1. Why am I writing this song/poem?
  2. Write more possibly free write more about how nobheads actually make me feel ..like really
  3. Maybe I should just have 2 sections night & then day…. as it appears here?
  4. Maybe I should just turn the entire thing into a song?Image
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2 Responses to “This Is How The Night Was Made (Draft2) by Honey Williams (SST6, Commission Show)”

  1. mouthypoets January 19, 2014 at 12:26 am #

    Anne as I’ve said on my 1st draft, now I’ve seen your fantastic feedback today, I’ll give some of it a whirl now I’ve got abit of time. tar
    Honey

  2. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 8:32 pm #

    Hey Honey,

    Really enjoyed reading this especially as we spoke about it at Arvon and it is interesting to see how it has moved forward, I am interested to know how honest this feels to you as that felt like the topic around the dinner table that night but for now I have focused on the words, mostly how much I love them, with a challenge or two chucked in for good measure…

    LOVE
    -specificity; handkerchief,

    -really enjoyed the fantastical nature of the piece and the way you bring that in so confidently from the beginning,e.g. – she invented the night by accident, cityscapes from her bra straps, electricity from the clasps… A really interesting juxtaposition of the dark fairy tale and the erotic!

    -all the emotion is 100% there! not I want the concrete detail of it. It feels like you have opened the lid off the box and now you need to fight the shit that is coming out.

    -an amazing story.

    -it really is all there in terms of movement and emotion, and as it is I think it stands as a piece, but for me this is important, really important stuff to hear for your audience and you so I really want to push you with my challenges – get you thinking about what this poem means and is about and being honest about it if you can because the world needs to hear this story.

    QUESTIONS
    -I don’t know what press studs are, and I am probably not the only one so it might be good to try and use something a bit more universally understood especially as some people won’t understand what double ff’s are either.

    -I don’t understand these lines, and I am not sure if they are needed, check out my challenges for an example of that section with them removed…
    and other reprobates later desecrated the sacrosanct of the night
    Unmarked Blacked out Undercover BM’s lurking in beads of rain shimmered the floors sovereinity

    CHALLENGES
    Form/ concision:
    -look at every stanza as a unit of meaning; an image, an event, a tone – each new stanza changes the event, meaning, image or tone and looking at line breaks a highlighting elements on these. This enables you to cut out repetition, tighten up images, reorder sentences and ask yourself – what do I actually mean here or what is the most important point in this unit? Is this unit important at all. My example below should be interesting because I am editing it with my knowledge but being guided by what I think is happening – what you are currently telling me through the words…

    ‘She invented the night by accident
    When press-studs gave way to her double ff’s
    A handkerchief was laid on her chest
    Mopping carnal desires & envious glares.

    The insatiable night grew from there:
    Night lit cityscapes sprouted from bra straps,
    Electricity from the clasps, distant DNB sub bass
    embroidered into the lace dreams. Awoken

    In the jet-black of her lingerie. Encrusted with stars,
    whispers, leather and other sexy things. Shadows
    of panthers in voodoo trances prowled her areolas
    where bedtime stories used to lay. But later

    Her nights were desecrated; Monsters,
    Criminals & nobheads cursed and sullied
    the soul of her gusset. Fox Howls. Deceit
    switchbladed down the silk of her hold ups

    -hopefully if you analyse this you can see the key things this form has pushed me to do; keep only the strongest images and words and actually use punctuation and line breaks to give them space and emphasise them. The images are so strong you can afford to strip the less strong ones away and also, I think using punctuation this way will help you read and okay around with the performance of the piece. So I challenge you – edit this piece into 5 line stanzas with similar line breaks, feel free to start for where I have left or not 🙂

    2. Freewrite
    -you have eluded to wanting to to this but I thought I could give you a structure for the freewrite that could help you get some content. 5 minutes for each of the following titled free writes; 100 things people have said to try and destroy me, 100 things I have done to empower myself, why I cry, why the dark is sexy, why I am sexy, 10 things people don’t know about humans and how dickheaded they are, what I see as beautiful… I just want to encourage you to get some more blunt lines in there so that people can see the concrete details of what you are fighting, strip back some of this beautiful language and be blunt, make people sick with they way they can treat others and make people realise the damage it can do as well as pushing yourself to be vulnerable – to win, because you deserve to. Hug.

    I hope this helps,
    Debris

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