Jeiran – Scratch Show

22 Jan

-Morbid Letter to Yifan-

 

I fall asleep thinking of your

Forever gal.

Two sinners trapped between bed Sheets

Blood lust and

Low moans

Whimpers.

Love is spilt from hips

Blood drawn from lips

He chokes, bends and snaps at your will

 His body refuses to sit still

Twitches for your arms as an after math

Will you love him the tomorrow after that?

Like a moving porno in my mind

Shifts to my veins

a copper coil wire

So Integrated into my body

Often I feel the need

To rip and tear my skin

To claw out the blood red coil.

 

 

for now. I hope its not too late but I’m ok with thee stratch show if it is…

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One Response to “Jeiran – Scratch Show”

  1. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

    Hi Jeiran,

    It feels like your doing something really niche and specific here, imbedded in a world I have no knowledge of, but in a way, that’s good because probably most of your audience will be ignorant to this world, so rather than doing my usual questions loves and suggestions, I am just going to let you know what I get and what I don’t get in a bid to challenge you to retain the integrity of this story/world but also make it accessible and meaningful for those who have know knowledge or experience of it.

    Despite my lack of knowledge what I can see is that the dynamic of this piece is sound – the emotional movement is there, the story is there, it’s just about adding some detail and clearing up relationships to open that story up to a wider audience, basically the text feels 90% there…

    GOT IT
    -the title: a morbid letter to someone, line the tongue and cheek of the description and also the specificity and connotations of the name – the person it is being written to is from somewhere foreign. This is all setting me up with some important context to get into the poem.
    -I think it’s lusty teenage online letter between two people who want to know what closeness feels like?
    -the power and par of the ending, so emotional and intense and memorable image… I am just not sure what it is in this letter and who it is addressed too?

    DONT GET IT
    -what’s a forever gal?
    -who is the ‘you’ referred to in the poem?
    -who is writing to who and who are they referring to and why?

    THOUGHTS/ CHALLENGE…
    Sometimes I brainstorm the characters in my poem and write out the relationship between them and the purpose of them within the context of the overall aims of the poem and then return to editing the piece making sure this is clear and all the characters are needed- try it?
    So what? Why share this with a audience? For me, this is about young people not knowing how to be close to someone else and trying desperately till it destroys a part of them, If I am right it’s around fleshing out some of the details of the characters,m their relationships and feeling and making the clear in the letter both in your word choices, specific references and by cleaning up the relationship between all characters referenced.

    I hope this is helpful.

    Speak soon! debris

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